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To be really cross that DP bought his dad a birthday present?

(45 Posts)
JustcallmeDog Thu 06-Aug-09 10:14:51

Message withdrawn

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 06-Aug-09 10:18:33

Yes you ABU inmho, its his dad and i'm sure he would never stop you from doing this for your family regardless of whether he thought they deserved it. (but i can understand why you feel this way)

LionstarBigPants Thu 06-Aug-09 10:20:00

YABU, his Dad, his decision. Also £20 not a jaw-dropping amount (though appreciate things are a bit tight). OK his Dad might be an arse and it sounds like you are better off without contact, but it's still his family.


MadameCastafiore Thu 06-Aug-09 10:22:20

Your DP is a grown up and if he decides regardless of whathis father has done that he wants to buy him a present then it is nothing to do with you.

LittleMissTuffet Thu 06-Aug-09 10:22:41

YANBU to be angry with FIL but YABU to be angry with DP.

I think yor DP has had enough troubles in his life without you givng him grief. If he wants to buy his arse of a father a gift then it's his right to do so. Try and put his dad out of your head and show some understanding of your DP

muddleduck Thu 06-Aug-09 10:23:09

Sounds like its a bloody miracle that your DP turned out such a thoughtful kind guy who is such a great role model to your dc.

(understand why you are annoyed though)

SerendipitousHarlot Thu 06-Aug-09 10:23:37

What MadameCastafiore said.


I can see why you would feel protective, but it's not your decision I'm afraid.

posieparkerinChina Thu 06-Aug-09 10:23:51

I think you support your DP, hard as it is when you think he's been and being treated so poorly, but perhaps buying his Dad a girft is more about DP's feelings than his Dads. The value is another thing, but I would let this one go (well I wouldn't because I am a full on nightmare, but you shouldgrinwink)

electra Thu 06-Aug-09 10:26:42

I can understand you feeling resentful but I don't think you should get involved. However awful our parents are to us, we ultimately want their acceptance and sometimes relationships with parents can be very complex. Don't be too hard on your DH...

emruss Thu 06-Aug-09 10:26:55

YABU perhaps buying his Dad a birthday gift was his way of trying to bring them closer together. Relationships are so complex but we are talking about a birthday gift for his Father. Regardless of the situation if your DP wants to buy a gift for his Father he should be able to with your support.

JustcallmeDog Thu 06-Aug-09 10:27:40

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muddleduck Thu 06-Aug-09 10:28:53

He's not condoning the behaviour, he's just treating people as he'd like them to treat him sad

electra Thu 06-Aug-09 10:30:44

Agree, muddleduck.

JustcallmeDog Thu 06-Aug-09 10:39:38

Message withdrawn

posieparkerinChina Thu 06-Aug-09 10:47:20

I think most of us wouldbe angry but if you really do feel sad for your dh you have to direct it elsewhere.

gingerbunny Thu 06-Aug-09 10:50:53

yanbu, i would be annoyed too.
my dh parents are the same, they never make any effort. it drives me mad.

beanieb Thu 06-Aug-09 10:53:38


minxofmancunia Thu 06-Aug-09 11:09:07

yanbu to be annoyed but yabu re the present it's your dps decision.

My FiL has seen dd (she's 2.11) once opportunistically since she was born. he sends the odd 20 euro note over from ireland. he's a strange and emotionally warped man.

but despite this dh and bil send him presents and cards devotedly. Dh spent ages putting all best pictures of dd on a memory stick and sent it over to him for fathers day. We get cards at xmas and birthdays from FiLs partner signed by her on his behalf in his Christian name not even Dad or grandad.

Lifelong emotional abuse from FiL to dh has really affected his self-esteem tbh and it breaks my heart a bit how dh and his brother keep trying but at least they're kind and thoughtful and not like him sad

simplesusan Thu 06-Aug-09 11:15:18

YANBU to be angry with his dad who sounds a complete shit.
However your dp is doing what he believes to be right so try not to let your anger at his dad fester into your relationship.
Take solace in the notion that your dp will never be the crap dad to your children that his dad was to him.

ginnny Thu 06-Aug-09 11:25:47

Do you have a good relationship with your own parents.
I ask because my Dad was a complete and utter shit to me, my Mum and my brother, but I always bought presents for his birthday, Fathers Day & Christmas. I don't know why myself, maybe I wanted acceptance but it just felt like the right thing to do. My ex dp who had fantastic parents could never understand why I made such an effort for someone who had treated me so badly (and he didn't know the half of it!).
I think you should just let it go. I understand it must be hard for you to see why he wanted to buy the present, but it really is up to him.
Sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean to but I kind of understand your DP.

elkiedee Thu 06-Aug-09 13:49:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset but I can also see why your dp wanted to buy his dad a nice present. Sorry if that's not helpful.

stripeywoollenhat Thu 06-Aug-09 16:00:48

i think yanbu but i don't really think reason comes into this one, so it might be better to think of dp's present buying as a sign of the ways in which he does not resemble his father and let it go.

MummyDragon Thu 06-Aug-09 18:08:00

What a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. I understand why you are angry with your ILs - what bastards thoughtless people. I understand why you're angry with DP for buying his dad a present, and I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel this way but at the end of the day it's his dad, not yours, and he is entitled to buy him a present, no matter how badly he treats him. Nightmare situation for you though, and certainly no need for DP to sign the birthday card on your behalf ...

KIMItheThreadSlayer Thu 06-Aug-09 18:26:45


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