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To think my DH is being an arse?

(32 Posts)
hanaflower Wed 05-Aug-09 12:29:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 05-Aug-09 12:33:02

How many times a week does he go out after work? Once-twice, fine IMO, more than that not ok. Also you need one-two nights out to match his, then 3-5 nights in together. About right I think.

But no - YANBU about going for drinks after work with a woman then back to hers for dinner. I wouldn't like that much, even if I knew she wasn't interested in him. It's just a bit weird.

roulade Wed 05-Aug-09 12:33:30

YANBU he is an ARSE!

MoonIsATiredSlayer Wed 05-Aug-09 12:33:34

YANBU

He is being a twat. I'm sorry but my reaction would be that this is not all innocent. Just because she is married doesn't mean she isn't stringing him a merry dance.

Say no and get the chicken back out.

mayorquimby Wed 05-Aug-09 12:39:40

depends on how often he goes out.
if it's rarely then i don't think being out after 9 and going for a drink with a friend is taking the piss.
so would say yabu and he's not being an arse.

if you are worried about infidelity then thats another issue.

TheCrackFox Wed 05-Aug-09 12:40:24

YANBU.

What does her new DH think of all this?

allaboutme Wed 05-Aug-09 12:43:12

If he's going to be out till 9 then whats the difference honestly between that and him staying out later?
If you dont mind him having a night out (and everyone needs a night out regularly!) then let him make the most of it and not be clock watching all night and then home to a cross wife as he's past the deadline.

How often does he go out? Once a week with young baby is fine.
My DH goes out once or twice a week and he just comes home whatever time the get together ends. Any more than this and I would say no. I also dont like it on a weekend as thats family time.
DH is more than happy for me to go out each week too, so it all evens out.

MoonIsATiredSlayer Wed 05-Aug-09 13:00:50

I think its the specific situation rather than not being allowed to go out generally.

allaboutme Wed 05-Aug-09 13:02:25

I thought it sounded more like a general thing where OP feels her DH 'doesnt get family life'

ScaredOfCows Wed 05-Aug-09 13:09:23

I think its more about her DH enjoying the company of this woman more than the OP is happy with.

OP - does he do similar things with you ie nights out and meals?

hanaflower Wed 05-Aug-09 13:11:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 05-Aug-09 13:13:11

her getting married is irrelevant. sounds fishy to me.

YANBU

woozlet Wed 05-Aug-09 13:16:14

how old is he?

posieparkerinChina Wed 05-Aug-09 13:19:30

I'm 10 years in and we still have the same rows, although he would never go out with a woman alone. As for drinks after work or not coming in when he says only 4 weeks ago he came home at 4.50am when I had to drive to London at 5am.

hanaflower Wed 05-Aug-09 13:30:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 05-Aug-09 13:42:26

Talk to him.

Tell him how you feel.

Rollergirl1 Wed 05-Aug-09 13:48:46

What is wrong with him getting back at 7.30pm last night? That is the earliest my DH is ever home.

And why do you need to know the exact time if he's going to be back too late to help with getting the kids to bed? DOes it make a difference if he's back at 9.00 or 9.30 or 10.00?

And if he goes back to hers for supper then surely wont the husband be there?

I have to sat my DH never asks me if he can go out and I wouldn't expect him to. Although he does tell me, and I prefer if he tells me a day or so in advance just so I can sort out dinner for myself etc.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 05-Aug-09 13:53:08

I am the same rollergirl1. I would get myself a prepared salad or ready meal if DH was going to be later home as I wouldn't cook just for me.

ScaredOfCows Wed 05-Aug-09 14:12:14

Could you invite her and her husband (to be?) around to yours, so that you and her hubby start to be included in their friendship?

rookiemater Wed 05-Aug-09 14:20:23

Actually I have to break a trend here and say YABU.

I must admit I wouldn't be frightfully keen if DH wanted to go out drinking with a female colleague, but as you have said you aren't worried about the infidelity thing then put that to one side.

If he is going out, unless he is planning a mega drinking session, then why does he have to be home by 9.30pm ? To me if DH is going to be out for bed time then thats the important part so he may as well stay out as late as he wants ( unless he arrives home late, stumbles drunkenly on the doorstep, makes a huge racket, plays Call of Duty 3862 really loudly, then mauls me with cold hands when he finally gets to bed). But anyway I digress. If he doesn't go out that often and you are keen for him to get a social life, then let him go with good grace. Dh "asks" me as well before he goes out but to be honest I think both of us would be surpised if I said no.

hanaflower Wed 05-Aug-09 14:27:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rollergirl1 Wed 05-Aug-09 15:15:01

It's the same for me. My DH works in East London and has a heck of a commute. Therefore he's out of the house by 7.15 and not usually back untill 7.30. Even if he stays for just one drink after work it means that he probably wouldn't be home until 8.30/9.00 and will have already missed the kids so I always encourage him to make the most of it.

I actually quite look forward to having a night of eating whatever I feel like and watching a crap sky movie that I wouldn't usually watch when he's around.

Do you think that you're perhaps just a wee bit resentful of the fact that he can go out? When I was still BF DS and felt quite chained to the home (which it sounds like you are) we definitely argued a lot more about him drinking/going out (not that he did do excessively). But I think this was more to do with me being a bit envious than anything else. Once I stopped I felt like things were alot more even between us. I am not suggesting that you stop breastfeeding but just suggesting that this could be contributing to you feeling like he is being unreasonable when perhaps you're just a little over-sensitive about things at the moment?

ceebie Wed 05-Aug-09 15:49:24

Would you be willing to invite her (and her fiance) around to yours for dinner? That way you could benefit from some adult conversation too, and perhaps find a friend in her at the same time? If he has nothing to hide then I can't see how he could have a problem with this suggestion. And if it's a genuine friendship, it bodes much better for the long-term future of the friendship if you all get to know each other as couples.

However I suspect your DH's main goal is running away from home commitment. You may want to think about how best to address this, if it is indeed the case - perhaps even think about a counselling session together to discuss whether both/either of you are happy with your home lives and if not, what you can do to change things?

MoonIsATiredSlayer Wed 05-Aug-09 16:41:39

I agree ceebie, it does sound like he is avoiding things at home. I think my DH did this when DS2 was born. I was having a hard time, third degree tears and nasty infections, incredibly down and tired, both parents in hospital, Dad then died, family feuding to deal with so I was not a bundle of joy to be with and resented how much time Dh was out of the house. His response was to stay away even longer. Neither of us dealt with it very well. Much better if you can find out if there is an issue and talk about it.

Still think he's being a bit of an arse though (as was my DH!)

allaboutme Wed 05-Aug-09 16:42:37

If he very rarely goes out and complains that he doesnt have a social life then its no wonder he reacted badly to you saying he needs to commit to a time to be home by!
You are having a rare night out tomorrow - how would you feel if he said 'what time will you be back, I need an exact time and want you in by 9pm ideally' ?

I'm not sure what your other issues are, but it does sound like they are clouding this issue.
Perhaps if he is starting to see bath time etc as a chore then it might be a good thing for him to get out more to break the monotony
You too of course need a night out here and there to stop you getting dragged down by day to day things.

Can you get a friend to babysit and the two of you have a night out together child free? Sounds like it would do you the world of good. Even if you go for a drink very locally so you can pop back and feed baby if necessary.

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