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to feel upset my mum and dad are not the grandparents I want for my dc

(16 Posts)
Kayugaduck Tue 04-Aug-09 23:40:51

Dc have only my mum and dad as grandparents. They do not see them very often, we are not invited to visit them as dad was in the National Service and got very upset when 3 y.o forgot to put toothpaste lid back on. Also, when dd wanted to cry had to run to car and let them cry there as gps do not tolerate crying children.

Recently gps visited us but they upset dd by tut tutting dd when she accidently spilled some water carrying a cup to give to her gd. They belittled her and shouted at her. I saw my dd who is 8 crying silently so I grabbed her and gave her a hug and sweet to make her feel better.

Am I alone in feeling bereft that my dc do not have loving gps? Are anybody else's parents as intolerant as mine?

hayes Tue 04-Aug-09 23:42:25

what were they like as parents when you were little?

booyhoo Tue 04-Aug-09 23:43:04

very sad that your children arent allowed to cry infront of gps. i wouldnt want my dcs there if that was the case. clearly not child friendly people.

skybright Tue 04-Aug-09 23:45:34

I said aww before i even opened your thread Kayugaduck.

They sound awful TBH,i don't envy your childhood.

Uriel Tue 04-Aug-09 23:46:11

Sounds like their expectations are too high. Are they getting on a bit?

hayes Tue 04-Aug-09 23:47:31

my dh parents not the best .... children should be seen and not heard in their eyes....we dont visit often and when they come to us they drive 30 miles round trip but stay for half an hour. Tnis suits me. They were abusive to dh when he was child...they dont deserve to be parents never mind grandparents

Momdeguerre Tue 04-Aug-09 23:47:46

YANBU. Sounds like they do not have any understanding of how small children can be. A shame, they will miss so much and sad for you too.

Do you have any great aunts/uncles of GP substitues in close friends/family?

Kayugaduck Tue 04-Aug-09 23:49:50

Highly critical, mum is/was depressed most of her life, dad very supportive of her but was like walking on eggshells for the all of us.

Mum was highly practical, not loving but would help out making curtains etc.

Dad loving, also very helpful but both of them opinionated to the point only they are right.

They make my dc miserable because they are so so critical of them. But they do try and everyone else thinks they are helpful and considerate dc.

I don't want to cause a rift in the family, parents are in 70s now. They have got worse with age.

Kayugaduck Wed 05-Aug-09 00:00:50

Don't really have any substitute but at one point did look online for an adopt a granny scheme, there were only ones abroad not here. Anyway, it is not the same.

They have missed out terribly as hardly saw them at all when dc were babies as they disapproved of everything dh and I did.

I feel like crying now for this huge loss in their lives and in mine.

hambler Wed 05-Aug-09 00:24:19

ocht, that is a shame.
My dad can be a bit of an intolerant PITA about his grandkids. Really upsets my sisters. I just shrug and ignore him

marenmj Wed 05-Aug-09 01:02:06

Can one volunteer to be an adopted gran [please?]

I am 27 but will happily be somebody's granny! Being granny is all the fun of kids without the responsibility grin

IsItMeOr Wed 05-Aug-09 09:10:15

That is such a shame. Must have been hard for you as a child, even if they have got worse with age.

You are doing really well to keep them in your lives, and a little contact will presumably help your DCs understand that not everybody in the world is as lovely as you and DH. I'm no expert, but I think it sounds as if you are doing the right thing to make it clear to your DCs that you don't agree with what GPs are saying when criticising them.

I think Help the Aged/Age Concern run befriending schemes for older people. Might be worth looking into if you want to be sure DCs know that all old people aren't grumpy. Based on the reception DS and I get from older ladies in particular when we're out and about, I suspect that there are many lonely older people who would adore a visit from you and your little ones.

babyignoramus Wed 05-Aug-09 09:16:53

Do you have any elderly neighbours who might be glad to have help around the house/with shopping etc.? You might find if you befriend someone like that they become the substitute grandparent you are looking for. Plus, it would be a really good example for your children to see you helping someone out.

deaddei Wed 05-Aug-09 09:51:17

I am in a similar parents are both dead but dh's very much alive and kicking. They have never been welcoming- when they visited us after birth of dd1 mil said "I don't do babies- don't ask me to help". Husband fell out with them when dd1 was 3 months old- there was no contact then for a year.
We visit twice a year, and it is such a strain as dh has no relationship with them, and they constantly snipe about our children. They had 9 ffs, but there was no love/affection in that family.
My parents were really good grandarents, and I resent it that they're not here to enjoy their grandchildren.
I think adopt a granny sounds great!!

Kayugaduck Wed 05-Aug-09 10:07:12

Maren that is so sweet of you!

I have befriended an elderly lady and we help her take her dog for a walk, she lives nearby but is moving soon unfortunately.

I had a couple of older neighbours too who knew about my situation and who also moved a few years ago but they keep in contact and are generous at christmas, never forget a birthday etc.

The help the aged idea is a good one and I will look into that. But there are some lovely older people I know through a village club who I think I could get to know better when I meet up with them next (once a month).

Also I give a lift to a lady in her 90s but never thought of turning these people into 'surrogate grannies' so will take it step by step and invite them round for tea first to see how it goes.

It only dawned on me that my dc are getting a raw deal when we had some older friends of my dh to stay who were so impressed when my dc helped lay then clear the table and the next day my parents came to stay and they just grumbled nonstop at how moody dc were (forgetting that they had made fun, complained at them, shouted at them, made them cry then expected them to be talkative and pleased to have them around).

The contrast in how they were treated was so striking that I realise I should not hope to encourage a better relationship between gps and them.

In fact when my mum made my ds cry by scolding him sharply for wanting to play a game with her made me realise just how insensitive she really is.

IsItMeOr Wed 05-Aug-09 10:46:05

Kayugaduck - now you and your dcs sound even lovelier with your last post. I am sure you will do such a good job of bringing them up to be absolutely nothing like your parents, but keeping in touch with them because they are family, after all. I'm not sure I could cope with parents making my ds cry sad.

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