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to ask DH to have a vasectomy so that we can move on even though I might like another baby

(15 Posts)
depressednamechanger Tue 04-Aug-09 21:27:36

My youngest child is a few months old, I have 2 other DC. We had decided that we were not having anymore after DC3 because of recurrent miscarriages, money, difficult pregnancies,PND, the extra strain another baby would put on the family etc

But I keep thinking about having another one because I want one - maybe selfishly blush,DH would have one if I would, because we have very little family and would like our DC to be part of a big family, am worried about middle child syndrome.

If my DH has a vasectomy then there is nothing to think about and we can get on with our lives. WWYD

catsmother Tue 04-Aug-09 21:31:28

I don't know how old you are but rather than putting the kybosh on the possibility of another baby well and truly, couldn't you perhaps both agree to review the situation, say, in 3 or 4 years' time ?? You never know what's round the corner, or how your feelings might alter.

depressednamechanger Tue 04-Aug-09 21:34:11

CM Problem is that I can't stop thinking about it - think is part of PND, ecapism IYSWIM.

onepieceoflollipop Tue 04-Aug-09 21:35:14

Could you consider taking contraceptive precautions that are almost 100% - such as a depo-provera injection AND condoms?

(ask your GP or go to family planning clinic to see what might suit you?)

My dh has had a vasectomy, but we were both absolutely sure that dd2 would be our last. Be aware that some vasectomies are less reversible than they used to be. My dh was cauterised rather than "snipped" iykwim which is more final and almost irreversible.

myredcardigan Tue 04-Aug-09 21:37:32

I don't think you should do anything final whilst you are feeling this way.

It may be the right thing to do for so many reasons but having children is such an emotional decision that you need to wait until you are more emotionally stable before you make it.

I would wait until this time next year and review the situation. Your youngest is obviously still very young and now is not the time. Wait until your hormones have settled and that baby is at least a year old then make whatever seems like the right decision at that time.
Good Luck!

cancantcan Tue 04-Aug-09 21:37:38

I would definately NOT ask him to have a vasectomy. we decided after our second child we werent having any more because I got PND quite badly both times, and we really couldnt afford it. A year on from the op,I now bitterly regret it as I have totally changed my mind and desperately want another child, and the agony of seeing other women pregnant or with babies is worse than the PND ever was.

depressednamechanger Tue 04-Aug-09 21:42:00

cancantcan I am sorry that you feel this way. sad

MmeLindt Tue 04-Aug-09 21:46:20

My gynae would not even refer me to a urologist to find out about a vasectomy after DS was born as I had PND.

Talk to the family planning clinic about an implant or other longterm solution to give yourself a bit of time to recover from the pregnancy/birth/PND.

Depending on your age, you could review the situation in a couple of years and then decide if you would like another child.

depressednamechanger Tue 04-Aug-09 21:50:16

I was hoping you were all going to tell me IWNBU but prehaps my foggy brain needs more time. DH is used to me changing my mind. hmm

LilTulip Wed 05-Aug-09 09:38:54

I think to rush into anything right now would be a huge mistake. Especially as you do want another baby. Like others said take extra care with contraception and wait a couple of years to review again. situations and feeling change.

I myself know i absolutelty do not want any more DC's i had my last, DD 6 years ago and i knew the day she was born that i didn't want anymore but did not do anything...just in case, i still havent changed my mind so all we need to do it make that permanant.

LilTulip Wed 05-Aug-09 09:50:17

Also i know of somene who had a DD from a previous and met and married her DH. She got PG with a DS and her DHs mother talked her DH into not having any more DC's as they were having a carry on the family buisness. DH Agreed and his mum booked him in privately to have a vasectomy on the day the DS was born. And from what i gather this decision was made between him and his mother without much input from DW.

She turned out to be very bitter and insecure, Also this may have contributed to her becoming an alcoholic, as deep down she wanted another but this decision was taken away from her.

Harimosmummy Wed 05-Aug-09 09:56:28

I def. don't think you should do anything too quickly.

When my DS was born, we both said NO MORE, but I had this underlying urge... I couldn't imagine not having another.

Now I have DD too.. I can't imagine EVER doing it again (PG / birth / newborn)

This is it for us. It feels right and DH will have 'the snip'. But it is something we both agree on whoheartedly.
If you can't honestly say that, then I think something so permanent is not the right thing for you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 05-Aug-09 09:57:18

Why don't you try larc? (long acting reversible contraception) so that you have to shelve the baby idea for a while but not permanently? If your finances etc improve in 4 years or so, it's not very fair to your poor DH to have him try to reverse a vasectomy that he didn't need to have. The implant lasts a couple of years, the IUD about 5 years (but both can be taken out). That way you know you can't decide on another baby for x amount of time and it should go out of your mind.

FimbleHobbs Wed 05-Aug-09 10:23:56

YANBU to think about it, but as others have said, it doesn't sound like the right time for you to be making such big decisions.

I can totally understand you wanting the decision just to be taken away so you can get on with your life.

We have 2 DCs and DH is adament he doesn't want any more. I am 98% certain that I don't either, but I do have that nagging broodiness sometimes - I suspect its just hormones as emotionally, financially and logistically we couldn't cope with another child. And I love the family dynamic as it is, I would be hesitant to change it. I think DH being certain makes it easier for me, there is no decision for me to make, and I really do feel for you in your position and I think I understand how you feel.

FWIW I am a middle child (have 2 brothers) and never really suffered from middle child syndrome. Maybe because I'm the only girl, more likely because there are a million other things that matter more re. upbringing anyway. It is a handy excuse sometimes though! so an advantage for your middle child perhaps wink

Good luck with dealing with it - I hope your PND improves and that you have got some support in place, its the pits I know.

Acinonyx Wed 05-Aug-09 10:28:50

I think that would be very unfair to your dh. We have one dd via ICSI/IVF which we needed following the poor outcome of dh's vasectomy reversal. I can't even count the number of people I know in a similar position. It has to be his decision because he is certain he would never want any more dc.

I think a long-acting contraceptive is a good idea instead.

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