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to think its rude to ask if im having more children??

(87 Posts)
lisad123 Tue 04-Aug-09 20:49:35

Maybe its me, but think its rude to ask this question especially of someone you dont know that well.

nickytwotimes Tue 04-Aug-09 20:50:58

Yes, I htink it is rude.
Pisses me off.
I frequentlwant to tell people to mind their own business.
Very upsetting question for some, like my friend whose second (and final) child was still born.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Tue 04-Aug-09 20:51:08

I get asked it a lot too!

If I say that we're not sure, everybody says,"oooh, that means yes then!", errr no - it means we're undecided at the moment!

CMOTdibbler Tue 04-Aug-09 20:53:01

Its very rude to ask anyone about their reproductive plans, especially if you don't know them that well

lisad123 Tue 04-Aug-09 20:53:53

thought it was just me being sensitive

littleducks Tue 04-Aug-09 20:59:15

asked all the time here too, is very awkward

Portofino Tue 04-Aug-09 20:59:28

I get asked this a lot, after a sly glance at my post cs saggy, fat tummy. I have the impression they think I LOOK pg and this is the more polite alternative to asking outright. . I just say "Oh no - one is enough for me!" in a cheery voice and vow again to go on a diet, do crunches, drink less wine....

MrsTittleMouse Tue 04-Aug-09 21:00:56

Not just you.

It was very hurtful for us as we had needed lots of fertility treatment to have DD1. We thought that there was no hope of another. Plus I was still having loads of trouble with my fanjo and couldn't face the thought of childbirth again. None of which we had told even close friends.

We did pluck up the courage to try treatment again and we feel like we've won the lottery to have DD2.

sleepychunky Tue 04-Aug-09 21:07:28

That's lovely MrsTM smile

I'm being asked that at the moment (22 weeks pg with no.2). I would have thought people realise we have other things on our mind at the moment than considering a third, and anyway, it's none of their business!

ZZZenAgain Tue 04-Aug-09 21:10:06

I don't think it 's rude, wouldn't bother me tbh but I suppose if it bothers you, you could turn it around and ask: "Why? why did you want to know?" Not nastily, just calm and looking a bit puzzled

Spidermama Tue 04-Aug-09 21:11:31

I don't mind at all.

I ask people freely too. It didn't occur to me it might be rude or they might be in some way sensitive about it.

Even if you have had fertility treatment or difficult times, surely it's easy enough to say 'We don't know yet' and leave it at that.

For me it's such a basic question that I would feel someone wasn't really a friend, more of an aquaintance, if we hadn't asked each other this. It comes along with information like where you live, how many kids you have, are you married and what is your job if you have one. All pretty crucial to getting to know someone and without which only the pettiest of small talk would be allowed.

lisad123 Tue 04-Aug-09 21:11:58

I guess unless its a real struggle for you, maybe its not rude.

Mumcentreplus Tue 04-Aug-09 21:12:41

I get asked all the time..especially since I have 2 DDs ..'when are you having the boy?'..'erm NEVER' 'Are you having anymore'..'Hell NO!'<<always gets a laugh..I sometimes ask people myself..but usually someone I know quite well so I am guilty as charged <<hands up>> grin

onepieceoflollipop Tue 04-Aug-09 21:14:53

Thing is, for lots of people it is a real struggle. I would always err on the side of caution and not ask - tbh if they are close friends/family they may confide in you. If they are not close to you then really it is not your business. (imo)

We had a big gap between dd1 and dd2. When people asked, I used to say rather evasively/coyly that we had had problems first time round - that generally shut people up. (all but the most nosey/unpleasant anyway)

In reality the problems were due to a difficult pg/sickness rather than more serious problems, but people who knew us well knew this already.

LovingtheSilverFox Tue 04-Aug-09 21:17:29

I get annoyed at the assumption that I WON'T have any more children, just because I have DD1 (3 yo) and DTs (8 months). People say "so you won't have anymore" or "at least that's you finished!", when I mention that we haven't completely ruled it out they looked shocked. As though we couldn't possibly want more children. Why? What business is it of theirs?

And I agree, whilst you are pregnant there are other things to be thinking about!

LovingtheSilverFox Tue 04-Aug-09 21:19:30

Oops, forgot to mention the all three los are girls, so then they assume we MUST want a boy., just another child. Because I don't feel that my family is finished yet. (Because they often ask why)

MorrisZapp Tue 04-Aug-09 21:20:55

If people you don't know ask you questions that you feel are too personal, then you don't owe them any more than cursory politeness in return.

So if they ask you about your plans to have kids, just say you don't know yet. They aren't asking about your problems, they're probably just making small talk.

I don't like to see small talk classed as rudeness on AIBU as it's small talk that greases the social wheels and without it we'd all feel isolated and ignored.

If we considered all the multifarious ways that our words could offend before we spoke, we'd never ask anybody anything.

lisad123 Tue 04-Aug-09 21:21:57

yes love the "you going to try for a boy" comment hmm I didnt know you could choose grin

MrsTittleMouse Tue 04-Aug-09 21:21:59

Oh, I would lie through my teeth and say that we didn't want any children/that I had my hands full enough with DD1. It still hurt though. I hated having to lie about something so important to me. I think partly because a lot of people have the attitude that the first child needs a sibling and that it's cruel not to provide one. hmm

My Mum is of the "everyone is fertile unless they have specifically told me otherwise" school of thought, which just makes me cringe. There are several friends that we have wondered about, but to be frank it's just none of our business. I certainly don't think that it's a necessary part of normal conversation, unless you think that we actually have no friends at all, as we haven't shared our infertility with them.

I don't mind half as much if it's a general conversation amongst a larger group where it's possible to lie low and say nothing. But a direct question I find very nosey and quite hurtful.

hambo Tue 04-Aug-09 21:24:50


I agree with MorrisZapp. Very well put.!!

lisad123 Tue 04-Aug-09 21:26:30

I cant seem to do the lying bit but then have to put up with more questions when i tell the truth.

ThingOne Tue 04-Aug-09 21:35:59

I don't think it's a rude question but it can be a little insensitive.

rookiemater Tue 04-Aug-09 21:45:37

It's not a question that I feel overly comfortable with and I certainly wouldn't ask anyone else unless they were very close friends, but if asked will explain that we would like more than one but there have been a few complications so it may not happen.

It's not so bad if its another woman but I do have a friend who is lovely but doesn't tend to read nuances very well and bungles into conversations, it is not his fault and as no offense is meant I try not to take any, but having to give a detailed explanation of my endometriosis diagnosis and subsequent medical treatment is not a topic for light hearted conversation and I can be a bit short if pressed.

paisleyleaf Tue 04-Aug-09 21:48:02

It's only since having problems getting pregnant myself that I've learnt it is rude to ask.

frasersmummy Tue 04-Aug-09 21:48:31

My first ds was stillborn, and now have ds2 (4)

I dont mind people asking if we will have anymore, its a normal everyday question

Its the follow up of oh why not that I find hard, some days I can smile and tell the story other days I want to snap .. its none of your business!!

But then I think that says more about me than them...

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