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To not wait 2 years?

(74 Posts)
frizzee Mon 03-Aug-09 23:01:20

DH and I have been married for 4 years we have a 3yo DD and DH has 2 teens from previous marriage. I moved into ex-marital home and have never felt at home here. We have tried to sell but no takers. DH has agreed to move to coast (about 40 miles from here) but wants to wait 2 years until youngest teen has finished school (they live with us 50/50). I don't want to wait as DD will then have done a year at school. I want to go before next September so she won't have to switch schools after a year.

If I could afford to I would do it now TBH, what I'm afraid of is DD becoming settled here and then me being trapped (and living my mother's life of never liking where she lived). Also ex lives way too close and has been a thorn in our side since I met DH (I am only serious relationship since she left so copped for all the jealousy cr@p), still tries to turn kids against us etc.

Would you put step-kids before your own and stay or would you go and hope DH follows? If I go alone I have no idea how I would afford it but that doesn't seem to put me off!

thisisyesterday Mon 03-Aug-09 23:06:28

hmm i am not sure it's an issue of putting step kids before your own is it??

this has to be a joint decision, and those children are your DH;s, not his step-kids, but his actual children. he feels as strongly about them as you do about your dd.

i think he is right actually because his youngests last year in school is far more important that your dd's first.
it isn't ideal, but your dd will be fine.

Quattrocento Mon 03-Aug-09 23:12:50

Looking at this entirely rationally, the first year of school is not a big deal, but switching schools later on is a massive issue. So I'd agree with your DH.

hambler Mon 03-Aug-09 23:16:21

agree with your dh. Switching for the last year of secondary school is a masive deal.

In the earlier years, far less so.

You seem to view your Dhs older kids as less important than his youngest

Piglett Mon 03-Aug-09 23:17:06

Ohh I don't usually post on these. Presumably you knew about his kids when you met your DH and married him. They are his kids as much as your DD and existed before she came on the scene. Yes it may be unsettling for a child to move schools at the end of reception but not nearly as much for a teen to (if they are moving with you) or for a teen to commute for 40 miles whilst at a crucially important time of schooling. The offshot of moving may well mean that your DH doesn't get to spend as much time with his teenage children. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable in the matrimonial home which presumably you have lived there for at least 4 years. I know ex partners can be a nightmare but you must have known what you were getting yourself into. Basically I think you are unreasonable if you think your wishes should be more important than those of your husband's kids and he should put you before them - the kids come first whichever relationship they resulted from. I can't see that staying will affect your DD but moving your husband - or giving your husband an ultimatum which is basically "me or your kids" is likely to hurt your daughter as it is likely to hurt your relationship with your husband who is her father.

frizzee Mon 03-Aug-09 23:17:08

I think it is the issue because all the decisions (or dare I say sacrifices) we have made up until now have ensured that the kids come first which is what parenting is about right? But now DD is another part of the equation so the dynamic has changed.

pollyblue Mon 03-Aug-09 23:19:46

I can understand how you feel, I lived in the house my previous partner had been born and bought up in and for various reasons never settled there. He always flatly refused to move and it was one of the reasons we ended up separating. Not that i'm recommending that!

Your Dh has agreed to move so you're half way there. Don't let your memories of your mother's experience cloud your mind. TBH i think his reasons for delaying 2 years are valid, the last couple of years at school are pretty crucial and a move and change of school will affect his dd more (in my experience) that your dd who'll just be a year into school.

If a big part of the problem is his ex, could your dh do something about that? You shouldn't feel like you need to move away now because she's making your life difficult.

flockwallpaper Mon 03-Aug-09 23:22:40

I see why you are worried, but I also think your DH is right tbh.

frizzee Mon 03-Aug-09 23:26:47

I feel I've struck a raw nerve here with some of you. It's my first time on here and was looking for constructive opinions not bitchiness.

Piglett I can see why you wouldn't 'usually post on these'! Every new wife knows about their husbands kids before she marries him but they don't necessarily know that the old wife is bonkers {wink}

When DH told youngest teen that we are looking to move when he leaves school he said 'why not now'. He's excited about the move and he's a big boy so seeing DH at weekends instead of every other week would hardly have him in therapy.

frizzee Mon 03-Aug-09 23:31:09

pollyblue thankyou!

I was beginning to feel attacked. I think I needed to hear 'I can understand'. I agree that the reasons for waiting are valid I think I'm scared that if we don't do it soon it won't happen.

lockets Mon 03-Aug-09 23:32:16

Message withdrawn

Silver1 Mon 03-Aug-09 23:32:42

YABU it's about the relationship your DH wants with his children, he wants to be around for the tough final years of school. He wants to see his son every other week. You knew the arrangement when you married him-and I would say it is a given that most ex wives are bonkers- you also seem quite tied up in not being your mum without due thought to your husband's feelings just your own.
No one on here seemed bitchy to me-and I am sorry that their constructive suggestions weren't what you wanted to read.

frizzee Mon 03-Aug-09 23:41:23

Silver1 - ok maybe bitchy was the wrong word perhaps I should have said passive aggressive. I didn't come on here expecting everyone to say 'yeah go for it' but I didn't expect the attacking tone either.

Just grown-up conversation is all I require.

lockets - If I was DH I would put the kids first. That's why I've been thinking of going ahead because I don't want to take their Dad away from them but I don't want DD to have an unhappy mother either. It's not easy either way and I've been tearing myself up over this for months sad

Silver1 Mon 03-Aug-09 23:47:07

Message withdrawn

frizzee Mon 03-Aug-09 23:49:08

Silver1 - have you read the note at the top it clearly states
Note: Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you. That said, in line with our Talk policy elsewhere, we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ.

Therefore consider yourself reported. That childish and depressed enough for you?

skybright Mon 03-Aug-09 23:49:54

When you were trying to sell your home were you planning to move to another house in the same area?

I can understand not wanting to stay in the house..could you rent it out and move fairly close by?

I can also understand your DH's thoughts on his older kids schooling,they are very important exams and it would perhaps be very hard for them to form close bonds.

For your DD i think it is much easier to make new friends and adjust to new situations.

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 03-Aug-09 23:50:01

Message withdrawn

Merrylegs Mon 03-Aug-09 23:50:24

Look, you asked a pretty full on serious question of a bunch of random strangers on t'interweb. And you posted in Am I Being Unreasonable. Most would conclude that you are being a little U, but understand your frustration too.

All have spoken kindly of your DD, reassuring you she will be fine.

There has been no bitchiness, rather people have perhaps not told you what you wanted to hear.

I am sorry your DH's ex is 'bonkers', but I am guessing she is also the mother of his children? In which case, she is their 'bonkers' mother and is likely to continue to be a 'thorn in your side' if you remain with your DH, no matter how far away you move.

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 03-Aug-09 23:51:21

Message withdrawn

Silver1 Tue 04-Aug-09 00:00:39

Now now shineoncrazydiamond don't be childish! grin

BTW Frizzee Childish is hardly a personal attack and Depressed isnot an insult it's an illness which requires help, which is what I would hope you would seek if you did have depression .

BitOfFun Tue 04-Aug-09 00:06:02

OP, I am passing you this. It is the hide of a rhino. You will need it for AIBU (which you are, btw), and for the rest of the site too at times...but it is good fun here if you get used to it smile

frizzee Tue 04-Aug-09 00:10:59

Skybright - when we first were trying to sell we were going to move closer to their school - not that we wanted to live there but it was a compromise - a fresh start away from here and not disrupting for the teens. It would have also been 10 miles closer to my family.

When we couldn't sell DH suggested waiting 2 years and moving where we really wanted to be.

If we did move to the coast next year we wouldn't expect DS to change school. They would be with their mother during term time which may not be a bad thing for them as switching every other week is beginning to take it's toll on them.

That wasn't the case when I met DH we've had to establish that as they have gotten older and their mother not being able to cope with them both together. However she has assured DH that she has changed so it should work.

pigsinmud Tue 04-Aug-09 00:17:20

I think yabu as you're asking your dh to give up looking after his son every other week to just every other weekend. He might seem a big boy, but I can imagine he still wants his dad around especially at such a big time educationally.

frizzee Tue 04-Aug-09 00:19:07

BitOfFun - thanks for that I think I could use one. I had no idea of the significance of posting in AIBU I just couldn't find where else to put it. Also I've only ever posted on one other site (an American one) and the posters there are just normal so I was a little taken aback by some of these on here - c'est la vie!

BitOfFun Tue 04-Aug-09 00:23:23

Normal this place aint grin

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