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to be annoyed with my mum??

(9 Posts)
macdoodle Mon 03-Aug-09 10:22:25

I know I probably am, I know lots of people wish their mums were about, I know lots of people wish their mums were involved, I know but am feeling so and annoyed!

Bit of background so as not to be accused of AIBU by stealth!
Had a difficult childhood, abusive father, scatty mother! Always loved us always knew that, but a bit mad to start and made worse by my dad, never protected us or did the responsible mum things
She finally left him when I was 15 and brother was 13, running away to another country with my little sis who was 6, and never coming back, I only saw them both again 3 years later when I could afford to get myself there

Over the years she has been completely barking at times, and not so bad at others, and seems to have mellowed as she has got older, she is now 62 and relatively fit (other than being overweight lazy smoker who is a bit of a hypochondriac), and I know she loves me and cares about me, and she adores my DD's (age 7 and 19 months).

She lives about a 3 hour drive away and we probably see her every few months or so, she doesnt do much to help!

My life is a mess at the moment, really hard, my abusive ex seems to get worse the longer we are apart, he is financially ruining me, and I can see the affect it is all having on DD1

Anyway, I ask her is she would mind coming down in the school holidays for a week to help me with childcare, but also to see us as we havent seen her for over 3 months!
So amidst much humming and haaing she agrees, she doesnt work and doesnt go out much and readily agrees she does nothing much at home, she has a cat who a friend looks after and brings her dog with her!

So she comes, and TBH I wish she hadnt, she has spent most of the week sat outside in the garden smoking and reading (no smoking in my house allowed), moaning as to how she tired she is (not sure why she hasnt got up early with kids once or done much to help TBH).

Unfortunately ex has really been playing up, he is always worse when I have someone here helping/supporting me,I only work 2 and a half days, the one day ex played up and came and got the kids depsite refusing to help previously, so she has really only had them one and a half days!

She hasnt done much to help in the house but lots of complaining and saying she wished she could help more hmm

Anyway have pretty much gritted my teeth, we had a lovely day out yesterday,she managed to upset DD1 by telling her not to be mean to mummy (which I was less than impressed by as DD1 is blaming herself for the marriage breakup, me and ex fighting in fact just about everything )

I somehow managed to mess my dates up and thought my best friend was off work this week, buyt she isnt so am now stuck for childcare for DD1 tomorrow, so asked mum if she would stay an extra day (she was going home today as ex has taken the girls off for the day)and maybe wed morning so I could pop into work and do some extra in the morning to try and boost my income a bit!
She was less than keen pulled a face and said she didnt like to leave the cat any longer I tend to get very defensive when I ask for help because I hate to do it, so just said not too bother and she would have to come to work with me then (a very long boring day for her)
SO I have now been phoning all DD1's friends I can think of to see if anyone can have her , DD2 CM cant as she is at her max numbers already, best friends mother may be able to help
And all she has done this morning is moan how she wishes she could help more (well she can if she stayed another night but seems her cat is more important than her grand daughter), and how long her drive home is (its not that long and she doesnt have to anything when she gets home)!

I know IABU to "expect" her to help, but I cant help feeling very disappointed sad and annoyed that she doesnt "want" to help more

girlywhirly Mon 03-Aug-09 13:08:28

Yanbu to wish your mum would help more, but I think she's depressed, (the apathy, tiredness, etc) So you could raise this with her, and then I'm afraid it's up to her what she does about it, seeking treatment. Or she might have a thyroid problem.

You are disappointed that she hasn't been a good mum to you, well, she has the chance to make up for it. If she adores the grandkids as much as that, she ought to get herself checked out and sorted. Don't bite your tongue, tell your mum how her behaviour affects you all. If she cares enough about you all, she'll change.

carocaro Mon 03-Aug-09 13:55:44

If it's too much hoo haa for her to help/not help, don't ask, regardless of all the previous life issues, you have to think about you and the NOW. Tell her she needs to get sorted.

minimu Mon 03-Aug-09 15:02:17

It does sound like your Mum has major issues and has always had them. Poor you though just when you could do with a hand and your Mum is not any help. Any consolation my Mum is the same - too tied up with her own issues to help anyone else. So I have to distance myself from her and look for support in other places. Not really fair but just the way it is at the moment. For your own survival I think you need to look for reliable support for you and not to take on your mothers issues. You have enough on your plate at the moment. Don't worry about asking anyone for help people usually want to help.

Feelingforty Mon 03-Aug-09 22:22:20

I agree with girlwhirly - tell her what you need her to do, etc etc.

keep that ex-p away from poor DD1, don't let history repeat itself.In fact, get rid of the ex full stop.

Good luck, hope you get somewhere with your mum.

macdoodle Mon 03-Aug-09 23:35:22

Trying feelingforty - trying really hard - have another thread on relationships at moment!
Cant keep him out of our lives much as I try, and its affecting DD1 And yes this is the generation when it needs to stop Just dont know how!

Silver1 Mon 03-Aug-09 23:44:44

It all sounds pants! YANBU to hope you can rely on your mum especially as she has let you down before- but the truth is that expecting her to be something for you that she has proven time and again she can't be is going to make life harder and sadder for you.

Can DD1 sit in your office for half a day? It might help you both to bond a bit, she can see where you go how you work etc?

macdoodle Tue 04-Aug-09 00:03:16

Ah well my wonderful best friends wonderful mother has come through - she will have her all day - my best friends DD3 is my DD1 best friend they are the same age - she will take the 2 girls swimming at her caravan - they were bubbling with excitement!
Am grateful, but it just paints quite how crap my own mother is, as she has run away when I need her the most and someone elses mum has saved the day
XH continues to be a tosser more tears from DD1 tonight

Feelingforty Tue 04-Aug-09 16:41:35

macdoodle, i had issues with my mother too (interestingly though, the complete opposite!)& was recommended a book about reinventing your life. It's quite american, but it was quite amazing to read similar situations to mine. Having read this, I seemed to understand my behaviour better & have (at times !) been able to address problems easier. I used it as a dip in type book, if you;re interested I'll dig it out & give you the proper title & author.

It's fine about your mum - you've given her an opportunity to help & she's let you down. What you need now is coping stratgies to help you deal with it & her in the future.

I'm off to read about the xh now....

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