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To confront DH over unfaithfulness?

(163 Posts)
printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 16:47:10

Ok, I'm an idiot and am regretting my actions hugely.
I have been married to DH for 6 years, love him to death and am pretty sure that he feels the same and we have two great kids. Today I stupidly decided to log in to his facebook account and see who he's been chatting too. It's not a trust issue, I was genuinely just being nosy. Anyway, I found an old email between him and a mate when they were both in the US on business arranging to meet up etc. In the email there is banter about a prostitute that DH booked.
I feel sick, humiliated and violated and am going to have to confront him about it as I cannot get it out of my head.
Funnily enough we had a drunken conversation last night about being unfaithful, him swearing blind that he has never cheated on me.
I know I am totally unreasonable for checking his FB messages, and I genuinely regret doing it now, so I know I can't tell him that I have done this. I can make up a story about hints being dropped that he might have been unfaithful by mutual friends etc. But do you think I'm being unreasonable in confronting him over it, or do you think I should just let it go.
By the way, I hate this friend of his and know that he is constantly unfaithful to his wife and DH knows I hate them hanging around together as I feel he's a bad influence.
It could be that this was just a case of boys banter and that he didn't really sleep with her, but I need to know either way.
So go on...give it to me...

Pheebe Sun 02-Aug-09 16:50:23

Quite apart from the FB issue, how do you know it was something that happended and wasn't just blokey banter. I'd need to the v v sure before bringing this into the relationship.

MsPunch Sun 02-Aug-09 16:54:42

You are not unreasonable for checking his facebook messages. There was something there to find. If there hadn't been then yes, invasion of privacy etc, etc.

How old is the email? While you were together etc? Don't make up any story just let him have it. You do need to confront him and I would just tell him how I found out. Be honest, there has already been enough dishonesty if he did this and don't let him turn it onto you re you looking at his private messages etc. Btw with regards to friends being bad influences I think that is utter crap. People will do what they want to do, if he has done this the only one to blame is your dh.

Feel for you have been hurt by something similar.

printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 16:55:46

I know, and I can't be sure, but the messages went something like this: "LOL Just spent my last cash on a ho, she'd better be worth it"
Then the next day:
"Last night was interesting, they are never what they seem".
I agree that he may well have just said this to 'impress' his mate, but I think I really need to know either way as I am in pieces.

SecretNinjaChipmunk Sun 02-Aug-09 16:57:19

sounds like you could be stepping of the edge of a rather big cliff to me. you don't know he's done it so you either need to fess up and admit sneaking a peek at his fb and ask him outright if anything did happen and accept the consequences or drop it. how would he take it if you fessed up to looking at fb?

printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 16:58:55

The email is from about a year and a half ago, we were together and in the middle of trying for our second baby, following two miscarriages. He was only in the states for a week, so it'snot asif he must have been 'desperate' for sex. I wonder if I'm being a bit naive and this is just something that men do?

printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 17:01:31

Oh God, I don't know how he'd take it. I'd rather not 'fess up. There were also some rather 'intimate' messages with another girl who is an old friend of his that although didn't say anything specific, make me a bit suspicious.

SecretNinjaChipmunk Sun 02-Aug-09 17:03:27

could you broach the prossie subject in a different way? maybe a 'would you ever...'random conversation?

Molesworth Sun 02-Aug-09 17:04:22

You don't want to fess up, but can you really carry on as normal without this eating away at you?

MsPunch Sun 02-Aug-09 17:04:48

Personally I am of the opinion that the majority of men do this stuff if they can get away with it. I will probably be flamed for that but nearly every man I have ever known, and I have know a fair few, not just as relationships but friends too are guilty of this sort of thing.

Frankly I feel it is to be expected but if you can catch it early you can make it clear in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable in your relationship. Yes they do it but you don't have to accept it.

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:06:42

What do you want to happen?

If it were me I'd have no problem admitting I'd logged into his account, considering what you found. But if it were me I'd be questioning my future if I didn't get reassurance that it was just banter (and I don't know what would convince me really)

but if you are not contemplating your future then I'm not sure I'd do anything.

printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 17:07:10

I guess. I'm pretty good at telling when he's lying as well, but not really sure how that would 'come up' in conversation! I was thinking of saying that I'd heard from friends of ours and this mates that xx and DH behaved badly together in the US, and see what he says, or do you think the whole FB thing really has to come out?
This has made me physically sick.

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:09:15

MsPunch you say 'frankly I feel it is to be expected' - what is? A husband sleeping with a prostitute? Or have I misunderstood?

MsPunch Sun 02-Aug-09 17:09:18

He will never tell you if you skirt around the houses, I speak from bitter experience. You have to tell them straight out that you know if you want the details or a confession.

Molesworth Sun 02-Aug-09 17:10:30

Why did you sign into his Facebook account in the first place? You say it was pure nosiness and not a trust issue, but I wonder if there was a suspicion there, deep down?

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:10:31

Why don't you want to admit that you looked?

MsPunch Sun 02-Aug-09 17:11:01

No, just generaly dallying around, I was referring more to the "intimate" messages to another woman on the FB account as well that the OP mentioned.

However I have also known many who used prostitutes, especially on trips away etc. Personally I know two couples besides myself and ex who split for this very reason.

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:11:52

Agree with MsPunch the only way to find out the truth is to be upfront.

A dishonest person would have no reason to confess anything if just in a round-about kind of a conversation.

printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 17:13:20

I just wish that I had never looked at his bloody emails, but I am going to have to confront it as there is no way I can just carry on as normal.
I love him very much and have always made it very clear that unfaithfulness is not an option, and I count sleeping with a prostitute as cheating. Up until today I honestly believed that he was totally faithful, and I am not really willing to consider the possibility of leaving him over this. However I want him to know that I know, and that this can NEVER happen again.

wingandprayer Sun 02-Aug-09 17:14:12

How on earth can he get on his high horse about you looking at FB given that, of this does turn out to be true, what he has done is a far greater breach of your trust?

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:15:30

Do you really wish you hadn't looked? even if he has cheated on you?

Of course sleeping with a prostitute is cheating.

I am not saying you should think of this as a deal-breaker but I will tell you this: if a man does not respect his partner enough to not sleep with other people, and has no incentive not to, he will probably relish the opportunity to do it again.

printererror Sun 02-Aug-09 17:16:09

True, but it will make him alot more careful in the future and I'm not sure that's what I want.

Nancy66 Sun 02-Aug-09 17:17:34

I would just tell him you logged onto his Facebook account, read the email and it's upset you. Can he explain.

The thing is that even if he did pay for a hooker he's not going to tell you anyway so you're not going to be any further forward. But - if you're good at reading him you might get an idea of whether he is being truthful or not.

Plus there is a very good chance this was just all blokey banter. So, so easy to misinterpret an email or text.

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:18:18

Exactly wingandprayer.

I once checked my DP's email on a whim. I saw something that he had lied about it and phoned him right away. I said I've checked your email which I know is shit but hey, this is what I've found and I'm fucking pissed off. He said nothing about me checking his mail and too bloody right.

PrincessToadstool Sun 02-Aug-09 17:20:15

More careful with what?

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