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just need a rant. forgot to add title on other thread so reposted it.

(12 Posts)
FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 14:14:15

dp and i have had another row, he was meant to be off work this weekend and now he is working. he and i are spending less and less time together, we are disagreeing on everything and i have now told him i have had enough! i spend all my time looking after ds1 and ds2, when dp is off work he has a tendancy to recline his chair sit on his arse and watch tv. then moans when he is at work and i have not managed to get everything done he expects me to do. the flat is untidy but i cannot keep it spotless, deal with a 22m old who does not give me 30 seconds to do something for myself, deal with ds1 and his behaviour (although last 2 days he been good) do the shopping, get dinner on and everything else like looking for a flat, packing to move and bh i am f*ing knackered. i am not sleeping, i am so down it is unbelievable, i love him dearly and he is a good guy but he has no idea how to be a parent...to him it is just making sure there is money, he is good with ds1 but ds2 well thats a different story.

there are times like today when i feel like standing up and walking away from everyone because i need some time for me...and because i feel like that i end up crying because i love my 2 boys dearly and could not walk away from them but just the fact that the feeling is there upsets me.
i am worn out with it all i have never even been for a quick drink without the boys in the last 22m's i have ds2 with me all the time and dp cannot see why i am feeling down. he says things like, you are a brilliant mum, i love watching the way ds2 is with you. he doesn't understand that something as simple as having a bubble bath all for me would work wonders, but it has got to the point that i don;'t tell him anymore. the other week i had to take a buggy back to argos my mum came with me and i left both the boys with dp. we were out 30 minutes and good job ds1 was here as dp fell asleep ok i know he had been working but all the same!! he denies he was asleep but he didn't hear his phone ringing, he didn't hear us knock on the window and only heard the second time we knocked on the door.

tomorrow i have an appointment at the hospital with ds1 for his behaviour with a child psychologist, i feel like i have failed him by needing this, i snap at ds1 for the silliest of things because i am so stressed out. ds2 i have to say holds me together...as much as a 22m old can. i try to explain to dp that yes i am hard on ds1 because he needs it but nothing will ever change the fact that ds1 and i have a special bond, one i will never have with ds2 because i was single with ds1 for so long.
i feel so crap atm and am sat here in tears well i have stopped now but have cried for over an hour solidly, so dp walked out and went to work 2 hours early....
sorry ladies i needed a rant, i feel like a crap mum atm because of all this.

FloriaTosca Thu 30-Jul-09 17:46:23

I know how hard it is feeling like a single parent when you are actually in a relationship.. it sometimes feels like your job is the 24/7 one without let up, while their work at least has some respite if only by way of a change of scenery/faces... it is particularly difficult for you as Ds1 is not your partners child and is at a trying age/stage, (btw you are not failing him by needing professional help for him, you would have been failing as a mother if you had ignored it and hoped it would sort itself out)...but...

...how would things improve if you took the boys and walked away? All the housework/cooking/childcare would still be on your shoulders. Only the expectation of higher standards from your partner would be missing, along with the security of his presence and the big issue of the wage he is bringing in.

He is a "a good guy" and you "love him dearly"...tell him!!!! He isnt abusive or adulterous, he's not even boring when he isnt tired after work. He just sees you as sole care provider for the children (it is the role you were in when you met and it has transferred to the child you have together) and sees his role a finance provider.
I had a similar problem with my Dh, he only agreed to a child because he felt my need for one was greater than his lack of need for one...when I miscarried he was relievedsad... when I finally had Ds he was frightened of his new role, a problem compounded by the fact that he works away a lot and I was left as sole parent a lot of the time... it has taken 22 months for him to grow into being a father ...I didnt help because I didnt leave him in sole charge of his son until 4 months ago and yes, he was a little irresponsible and yes ds did get a bit hurt (bounced on the bed and fell against the wooden headboard cutting his lip) but Dh got a taste of the overwheming sense of responsibility and guilt that is the exhausting part of the mix of parenthood, he started to understand the pressure I was under and now tries to help in little ways...giving me time to walk the dog on my own, spend a little time in my greenhouse, have a relaxing bath, gives me a lay in on one morning a weekend or simply making me a cuppa instead of expecting me to manage those things single handed with a tear away toddler at my side.
I have to say that at times in the past (though usually under the influence of pmt)I have wondered if it would be easier on my own ... the simple fact is, NO, it would make things much, much worse...financial constraints aside, I'd still have to share custody and worry if ds was being cared for properly out of my sight.
Rows always make me over react... I hope a few hours apart has helped you find some equilibrium ... your dh is trying to provide for you as best he can .. perhaps a 'short' list of little things that he could help with (your 'long' list can be held in reserve for laterwink) i.e. taking Ds2 out to give you 1 to 1 time with Ds1? or entertaining both boys while you have a pedicure?...little things add up and are a big help in the long run.
I hope you find a solution that works for you.

Dalrymps Thu 30-Jul-09 20:11:27

Hi there, I agree with Floria... One thing I will say is that he won't 'get' what your role is like unless you make him do it on a regular basis. Make sure he watches ds2 for an hour here and there and build up.

I understand how you feel, dh was working for 3 weeks straight recently and I was about to go crazy by the end of it. I think we've all felt like you do at some point.

Does your dp work long hours when he works or just a lot of days per week? Dh and I share chores and the care of ds when he gets home of an evening. If one of us is unusually tired we give the other one chance to rest or sometimes dh will pop to the shop and take ds with him just to give me a mental break, these tiny things help a lot!

Of course sometimes it gets a bit off balance and one of us feels we are doing more and arguments happpen but thats life I guess.

I think it's best for you guys to have a long chat, when you're both feeling relaxed. Maybe explain to him you really appreciate him working so hard as he does. Tell him you just need some time here and there where you can be 'you' and just not feel so utterly responsible for a while.

You are not a bad mum, you're a great mum, these thoughts and feelings are totally normal, I know exactly how you feel.

I often say to dh to not worry about doing too much overtime as i'd would take extra time with him against extra money any day. As long as we can pay the bills i'm good.

I'm sure this is just a bad patch, you have a lot of stresses at the moment and it all seems to have come to a head (((hugs)))

Mine Thu 30-Jul-09 21:23:30

Feellikewalkingaway............. in so many ways you are or should i say were me a few weeks ago.

Like you i was doing EVERYTHING. Dal is right, until your DH takes care of one or both children on his own for a while it won't truly understand what you are going through.

You are doing too much and carrying a hugh weight on your shoulders.

I did the same thing for a long time. We argued all the time, i cried all the time. On top of it all, i started a full time job in a completely new career. It was just all too much. On the outside i looked as though i was handling it but slowly it all started to surface and things got very difficult. We became very close to splitting up. Like you, i too felt i would be better off on my own...... but thats not the answer at all.

You both love each other, you have 2 amazing boys. Like FT said, he is a good man in many respects. he just doesn;t live your day!!

What worked for us was an evening where we both sat down and just really talked. We were brutally honest with each other. We said what we really thought, and what had been brewing for a long time (since DS was born really). Airing out our deepest insecurities and promising to appreciate each other more and make more of an effort to help and support each other, changed things.

We talked about real solutions like, if DH gets DS ready in the mornings before we go to work, i can get breakie ready and we can all sit together then rush off and start the day. Or he takes DS shopping whilst i do whatever i want for an hour or so.

You are NOT a bad mum at all. By taking DS1 to a psychologist, you are trying to help him. Thats what a mother does. You are a great mum.

Is there anyone else that can help look after the kids while you have some time for yourself..?

Things will get better... but i does take a little while.

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 21:41:09

Mine, FT and Dal, thankyou ladies, you have all made me cry telling me I am a great mum.

Mine Thu 30-Jul-09 21:46:56

thats because you are, you bloomin moo!!!

I always feel better after a good cry and a very very large slice of cake!!

Is your Dh back from work yet??

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 21:54:32

No he doesn't finish until 1.20am

Mine Thu 30-Jul-09 22:01:04

I hope you get a chance to talk things through very soon.

{{hugs}}

x

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 22:03:22

thanks ladies, i am so glad i have you all xx

Dalrymps Thu 30-Jul-09 22:05:22

Try and relax and chill and have some time for you before he gets back (if that's possible). Things can only get better x

Mine Fri 31-Jul-09 20:48:31

How are you doing today??

Jux Fri 31-Jul-09 21:31:38

I remember feeling like this. I'd had over a year without a break and only been criticised and moaned at for my pains. I burst into tears and walked out. It practically killed me leaving dd like that. I only went to see my brother on the other side of London for the day and I did tell dh that, but it scared him so badly that he became a bit more helpful after that.

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