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FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 14:11:25

dp and i have had another row, he was meant to be off work this weekend and now he is working. he and i are spending less and less time together, we are disagreeing on everything and i have now told him i have had enough! i spend all my time looking after ds1 and ds2, when dp is off work he has a tendancy to recline his chair sit on his arse and watch tv. then moans when he is at work and i have not managed to get everything done he expects me to do. the flat is untidy but i cannot keep it spotless, deal with a 22m old who does not give me 30 seconds to do something for myself, deal with ds1 and his behaviour (although last 2 days he been good) do the shopping, get dinner on and everything else like looking for a flat, packing to move and bh i am f*ing knackered. i am not sleeping, i am so down it is unbelievable, i love him dearly and he is a good guy but he has no idea how to be a parent...to him it is just making sure there is money, he is good with ds1 but ds2 well thats a different story.

there are times like today when i feel like standing up and walking away from everyone because i need some time for me...and because i feel like that i end up crying because i love my 2 boys dearly and could not walk away from them but just the fact that the feeling is there upsets me.
i am worn out with it all i have never even been for a quick drink without the boys in the last 22m's i have ds2 with me all the time and dp cannot see why i am feeling down. he says things like, you are a brilliant mum, i love watching the way ds2 is with you. he doesn't understand that something as simple as having a bubble bath all for me would work wonders, but it has got to the point that i don;'t tell him anymore. the other week i had to take a buggy back to argos my mum came with me and i left both the boys with dp. we were out 30 minutes and good job ds1 was here as dp fell asleep ok i know he had been working but all the same!! he denies he was asleep but he didn't hear his phone ringing, he didn't hear us knock on the window and only heard the second time we knocked on the door.

tomorrow i have an appointment at the hospital with ds1 for his behaviour with a child psychologist, i feel like i have failed him by needing this, i snap at ds1 for the silliest of things because i am so stressed out. ds2 i have to say holds me together...as much as a 22m old can. i try to explain to dp that yes i am hard on ds1 because he needs it but nothing will ever change the fact that ds1 and i have a special bond, one i will never have with ds2 because i was single with ds1 for so long.
i feel so crap atm and am sat here in tears well i have stopped now but have cried for over an hour solidly, so dp walked out and went to work 2 hours early....
sorry ladies i needed a rant, i feel like a crap mum atm because of all this.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 30-Jul-09 14:14:00

You are not a crap mum.

Is your P father to both boys?

You need a break and your p has to give you one. Have him make the tea and put the boys to bed while you have a bubble bath. He has to start living in the real world.

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 14:15:11

Fab, he is ds2's father but dad to both iyswim?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 30-Jul-09 14:15:52

Could ds1's dad not take him to give you a break?

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 14:19:44

he has not seen him in 4 years he doesn't want to know him and vice versa. DP takes ds1 out weekly on "boys" fishing trips which means i get a break from the behaviour but i just really need a bit of me time iyswim?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 30-Jul-09 14:26:32

Then you need to tell him.

I need time alone too and DH has the kids whenever I need it and encourages me to take time out. It is how it should be.

motherbeyond Thu 30-Jul-09 14:37:56

it sounds like you're exactly the opposite of a crap mum.you've got it tough at the moment,but you're doing a great job with them..more or less on your own..that makes you a fab mum ikmo smile hope things get resolved asap

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 20:10:10

I tried time and again to explain the muddle i am in personally to him and then he does something like fall asleep while looking after ds1 and ds2.

But maybe someone here can help me with this...
I know a lot of the problem with needing time but not having it lays with me. ds2 was born at home and then spent 5 days in SCBU during this time i was not allowed to hold him or anything cos hosp staff were being funny to me. Anyway on the friday night (had had him tuesday) i went loopy in hosp and they relented and let me feed him, he had not been drinking formula so was not getting any better, in less than 24hrs of me feeding him he was well and i was told i could bring him home. I had known he needed BF'ing and they didn't listen otherwise i would have had him home sooner. So now i still can't leave him too long as he sobs and i panic. I don't feel anyone can care for him like i can...sounds screwed up i know!

So him falling asleep just backed up my issues with someone else not being able to look after him iyswim?

lizziemun Thu 30-Jul-09 21:07:05

You don't sound like a crap mum to me, you sound like a very tired mum.

Have you spoken to any one in connection to your sons birth to help you come to terms with what happened.

Do you have PND can i ask.

FeelLikeWalkingAway Thu 30-Jul-09 21:31:24

Lizzie, I have not spoken to anyone as tbh i have always felt silly bringing it up. I have just put it down to me being over protective.

I am very tired, DS1 has been hard work for the last 6 years and I was on my own with him until 4 years ago.

I have wondered if i have PND and then rubbished the idea as ds2 is now 22m and i figured if i did have i would have known before now. TBH I have only ever heard tales of how mums with it cannot bond with their babies whereas i am not like that, if anything i am closer to ds2 than anyone...but maybe thats because he is like me lol to look at and temperament.

ineedalifelaundry Thu 30-Jul-09 21:34:48

Sorry you're feeling so down. Can your mum look after the DC for an afternoon so you can have some time off? Or maybe she could have DS2 while your DP is on one of his fishing trips with DS1?

My DH sometimes doesn't understand that I need time away too. I think he assumes that I should be the perfect parent (he says similar things to yours, "you're such a great mum" etc) and can't see why I would want a break, even though he can't cope with DD by himself for long periods by himself. So your DP isn't unusual I think. You just need to tell him, very clearly, what you intend to do, such as spend an hour in the bathroom without interruption. He may even need detailed instructions of what to do while you are absent.

You are not a crap mum just because your DS has behavioural problems. If he had problems and you weren't worried or weren't doing anything about it, then you would be a crap mum.

Also agree with the other post that you should seek counselling about your birth experience with DS2.

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