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to be desperately upset over this or am i just over reacting?

(104 Posts)
notsurewhattobelieve Thu 30-Jul-09 13:19:24

ok im a reg who's namechanged. some of you will probably guess its me but Dp knows my sign in so didn't want him finding this.

ok, been with DP almost 10 months but we met some 6 months before and had chatted building up to actually taking the step into a relationship from then.

I love him to bits and have been blissfully happy. my kdis adore him and he practically lives here. He tells me he loves me constantly and has never given me any reason to doubt that he does.

here's the bit thats torn my world apart. I have an old friend that found me on facebook. he is a computer hacker as a bit of a hobby and whilst we were joking about and he was teasing me for being so loved up (very out of character) he bascially hacked into Dp's facebook account to try and freak me out with loads of silly details about him. sort of "yeah i know, his birthday is in xx and he drives a xx" sort of thing.
all a bit funny (but yes even though it was meant as a joke i fully appreciate how very wrong this was and said friend and I have already had words)
anyway, joking about was fine but he then stopped and was very serious and told me i needed to speak to Dp about a few things. he wouldn't go into details at first he just said thatthere was something about his recebnt trip abroad ( a stag weekend) that i should know.

After me threatening him with violance he finally told me that there were messages from DP to some woman who lived where teh sdtag do went and he had arranged to meet up with her.

I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not and had decided to just ask Dp if there was anything i should know about the stag.

But the more i thought about it the more it niggled me.

Old friend had always had a bit of a crush on me so (as big headed as it sounds) i thought maybe he was doing thsi to try and split us up?
I managed to send a text to dp by mistake so he got the gist of our conversation and offered up his sign in deatils anyway.

I resisted the urge to look for ages but eventually i did the worst and looked.

I sooo wish i hadn't.

There was indeed a conversation with the woman and he had arranged to meet her when they were away. then another when he got home apologising for not getting the chance to see her. lots of "im so gutted i missed you" "don't worry i'll get back out again soon enough" " i want you to sing for me again"

Ok so he didn't actually meet her but he wanted to and was gutted he didn't.

His side is that she is an old school friend (further checks reveal this to be true) who has lived over there for years so obvioulsy when he went over he wanted to trya nd meet up. fair enough. but why wouldn't he tell me about it first? I know given this thread it'll be hard to believe but i truely am not at all jealous. its just not part of my make up. if he had told me i wouldn't have worried a single bit.

I believe that people only keep something a secret if they know its wrong.

Anyway, next i find a load of messages from an old work colleague. very chatting semi flirty..nothing too out of the ordinary. Until i get to one where she adds an X to the end of a message. he replies " is that big kiss all for me? when do i get it "
her reply is whenever you want it "right now would be good. it's been ages though so i might take the top of your head off"

WE'd been together 6 months at the date of this message and we have the best sex life of anyone i know!!!

more reading and she menations seeing a photo of us together at NYE. she basically implies that im no supermodel and he giggles along. then admits that he "did shag her that night though" and makes out like i was just a one night stand!

He says that it was just office banter and he didn't want them all knowing about me so he didnt tell them anything.
it was all innocent as they both worked with her partner and it was all just a bullshit game of who can go the furthest.

but why deny i exist? why make me out to be some cheap one nighter? why allow her to take the piss out of me like that?

But here's the bit i am most devestated by.

a month or so before we finally got together but we were speaking constantly on the phone, we chatted for literally HOURS every day and texted constantly.
It was clear we both liked each other.

there was a conversation with one of his friends. they were chatting about going up to meet up with some girl freinds they knew for a weekend or coming down to where i live to meet back up with me and my friends again (we met them all on holiday)

anyway, conversation is typical lad stuff nothing that i'd want my mum reading but nothing that worries me too much until we get to the very last message.
they were discussing the fgact that some girl he was trying his luck wth had blown him out. he goes on to say that this is why he doesn't really bother chasing women anymore as its too much hassle.
and that
"at this rate i'll end up with Gigantaur xx from xx" ME!

so he has settled with me. the joke freaky bird they all laugh about. he couldn't get anyone else so i'll do until he does?

he says that it was pride and machismo. he didnt want to say thathe liked me in case it didnt work out and he'd look a fool.
So why mention me at all? and why be so fucking horrid?

I love him sooo much and most of me believes him about the first two incidents but the last set of messages have just totally devesated me.
i feel humiliated.

So please. MN jury. am i over reacting or is he actually scum?

notsurewhattobelieve Thu 30-Jul-09 13:19:39

oh gosh,. it is very long, sorry

Tidey Thu 30-Jul-09 13:23:01

He sounds like a prick. I wouldn't be able to forgive that 'Gigantor' message.

differentID Thu 30-Jul-09 13:26:16

This is where you kick him out.

He has no respect for you at all and it might be better long term to be the one to ditch him and now, before it gets any further.

He's going to look a right tit.

AstronomyDomine Thu 30-Jul-09 13:28:28

You're not over-reacting at all notsure. Agree with "Tidley" - the gigantor comment is unforgiveable along with the suggestion that he's only with you until something better comes along.
I'd get rid - yes I know, very easy for me to say as an outsider, but I would!

crazylizzy Thu 30-Jul-09 13:28:59

I'd leave him. He sounds a royal arse hole.

HighOnDieselAndGasoline Thu 30-Jul-09 13:29:00

"Scum" is a bit strong, but he sounds very immature.

How did he react when you confronted him with it - was he mortified and upset, or did he try to laugh it off and imply that you were being unreasonable? If the latter, then he is a total dickhead.

motherbeyond Thu 30-Jul-09 13:29:05

cut your losses and run like the wind!!
he sounds like an imature wanker.the gigantor thing would be the deal breaker

AstronomyDomine Thu 30-Jul-09 13:29:17

blush - message to self, preview posts before posting...
Agree with Tidley

notsurewhattobelieve Thu 30-Jul-09 13:29:26

thats the part im struggling with. I genuinly do not believe he would ever cheat on me. i think he was playng jack the lad within the confines of an office flirt he knew he was safe with.

But the gigantaur has hurt me terribly.

this is a man i wanted to marry and have children with. two things i have never ever even contemplated before with anyone else (both my children were unplanned but happy accidents)

I saw him in every moment of my future. and yet now i find out that im merely a stop gap until someone better comes along?

he denies this. he has promised me he loves me and couldn't bear being without me blah blah blah.

I just don't know anymore. the thought of being without him is causing my actual physical pain but i just keep seeing those words in my head.
how can we have any future when his friends know that im just the runner up prize. something to be mocked and made fun of?

sorry. Im not looking for the answer, just need to try and sort my head out.

notsurewhattobelieve Thu 30-Jul-09 13:31:07

he was ultra apologetic. most of the ce=nversation happened over text because i simply couldn't speak to him. he was saying that he couldn't eat or sleep and that he was as upset as i was.

MagNacarta Thu 30-Jul-09 13:31:33

Hmm, I'm sorry, but I think this is the beginning of the end. My dh is far from perfect, but there's no way he'd of talked about me like this when we first met. I want to be with a man who'se proud to be with me, if not then he's just not worth it. How has he reacted to you on this? I know he's given you answers, but he should be devastated and completely understand why you're upset.

shavenhaven Thu 30-Jul-09 13:31:51

what does gigantor mean? is it some character i am not familiar with?

even taking that part out he sounds terrible, how dare he put you down so much to other people. he has no respect for you at all.

LoveMyGirls Thu 30-Jul-09 13:32:15

Sounds like a right charmer! Maybe he thinks of himself as a ladies man?

Only you know him and can work out if it was all meant as bravado or if he was serious.

He'd def be in my bad books for a while until he really tried to make it up to me I think, not sure I'd end it though but I'd make sure he knew I wasn't to be treated that way by him again.

The way he's behaved is disrepectful joking or not so he ought to be extrememly sorry for hurting you like he has. If he doesn't understand that then I'd bin him.

Tidey Thu 30-Jul-09 13:34:00

TBH, it doesn't matter how nice he is to your face, the way he talks about you to others is still important. If he shows you no respect and makes jokes at your expense when he thinks you're not aware of it, clearly his feelings are not as strong as yours. He should be happy and proud to be in a relationship, not slagging you off to his friends and telling them you'll do until he finds someone better.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours Thu 30-Jul-09 13:35:32

TBH he sounds like a bit of a pratt to me. Also, am I reading it right that you've been together 10mths but you weren't on his facebook? I find that a bit odd - obviously hiding things IMO.

melmog Thu 30-Jul-09 13:36:37

I wouldn't be able to move on from this I'm afraid. There are too many hurtful comments and lies.

The stuff he said before he was with you I could try and get my head around, but the arranging to meet up with someone and lying about it that would get me.

If what was genuinely innocent he should have told you.

prettyfly1 Thu 30-Jul-09 13:38:52

nope - scum get rid. I would be bloody furious and so incredibly painfully hurt. Big hugs to you but you really are best off without.

stressed2007 Thu 30-Jul-09 13:39:09

If you don't get rid keep a very close eye on what he does....I would find it difficult to trust him.

He should be on for some major grovelling

notsurewhattobelieve Thu 30-Jul-09 13:40:06

MyCAt - i was on his facebook. I didn't have his log in detals though. these were messages to his inbox so not on public display

Stretch Thu 30-Jul-09 13:40:59

I think I know who you are and 'get' the gigantor commentsad How awful! I'm so sorry! sad
Not telling people that you are a serious item for privacy is one thing, making fun of you to people is completely different! You know you'll have to get rid of him. I certainly wouldn't be able to get the comments out of my head.

Sorry. sad

MadameCastafiore Thu 30-Jul-09 13:42:38

He loves you, wants to spend the rest of his life with you but not that much that he isn't rude and insulting about you!

If you don't have enough respect for yourself to get rid of him after seeing what he wrote about you and what he has done how the hell do you expect him to respect you?

Ealingkate Thu 30-Jul-09 13:43:05

Is the relationship worth it??
Is he the kind of guy who is quite proud??
Has he been badly hurt by another woman??
The fact that he called you Gigantaur will be very hard to forget, especially when you're naked, or on those days you're feeling a bit self conscious.
Do you think you could be happy whilst feeling he has settled for you??

bratley Thu 30-Jul-09 13:48:44


Walk away now, he sounds like he's grovelling and scraping and saying anything that'll make you stay.
You'll forever think about those messages and everytime something happens in the future your mind will magnify each detail and you'll never be truely happy with him.

notsurewhattobelieve Thu 30-Jul-09 13:52:13

His ex wife cheated on him. trust and honesty are big things for him which is why i can't believe he would do this.

He keeps saying that it was before we got together and that he was just messing about. that all his freinds know we are together and that he loves me. he says he never says anything about me that isn't complementary.

But surely they haven't forgotten that he used to (if not still) reffer to me as gigantaur?

I always figured i was a relativly confident person and this really has made me feel more self conscious than i think i ever have before.

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