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to want a bit of support from DH in this shitty awful situation?

(43 Posts)
LittleBottle Thu 30-Jul-09 11:27:21

I am using an old name for this in case of Rl recognition etc.

Backstory: my DH suffers from severe depression and has done for a long time. We have a (planned) DS who is 2. He was taking antidepressants but recently stopped as he didn't like the 'numbness' they give him.

Up until a few weeks ago I was on the minipill. I stopped to get an IUD fitted, and managed to get pregnant in the two weeks between the last pill and the IUD appointment.

I cancelled the appt, and told DH, who said straight away that he wanted rid, as if we had another baby he would leave. He said that he would rather be dead than have another baby!

I know this is dramatic but it doesn't really leave much room for my feelings, does it? I am frankly terrified as I only ever saw myself with one DC and I love him to bits - really not sure I am capable of caring for another one as well. (issues with my own PND)

I thought I could be rational about it, but as the days pass I am finding it impssible to imagine myself being able to physically go through with a termination. I can make the appointment, fine, but I just can't imagine it happening sad

Whenever I try to talk to DH about it he tells me how utterly miserable it would make him, and how it is hard enough for him to be responsible for one child, and how - this is the worst bit - if it wasn't for DS he would leave/kill himself.

Frankly I was too shocked to process this comment at the time, but thinking about it this monring had made me SO angry. He is basically telling me that he doesn't give a shit about me, isn't he? My feelings count for nothing - my job is to 'sort it out' and pretend like ti never happened.

I could go on, but this is long enough as it is, Thanks for reading.

LittleBottle Thu 30-Jul-09 11:28:21

PS excuse spelling errors - I have to leave for Nursery shortly so no time to spellcheck etc.

goingslowlyroundthebend Thu 30-Jul-09 11:32:57

He obviously has big problems, however you both knew you were having unprotected sex. Perhaps you could go see a counseller together to discuss it.
If your DH is that bad with his depression he is at risk and the GP should know about it and change his anti-depressant.

bumpybecky Thu 30-Jul-09 11:34:33

I think you need to try and work out whether you want this baby. You cannot control what your DH does (i.e. leaving or worse) but you have complete control over what you do to your body. If you decide that a termination is the best course of action for you then go ahead, but if there is a chance you want this baby then please think again.

I had PND with my second child, but not with the 3rd or 4th, just because you had it before does not automatically mean you'll have it again. If you have another child there will be enough love for them both

Do you have anyone is real life you can talk to? hope so...

beanieb Thu 30-Jul-09 11:34:39

I think, if you are having doubts about being able to go through a ion then you termination then you really mustn't allow him to emotionally blackmail.

Perhaps his feelings are directly related to him stopping his anti-depressants? Is there anyone you can talk to about this, anyone who can talk to him about his medication?

I think though that you might need to get away and make your decision without this pressure from him. Can you do this?

HuffySpice Thu 30-Jul-09 11:35:12

What a horrible situation. You definitely do need some support, and it's not at all unreasonable of you to want to find some from your DP.

There are lots of different things to sort out here, and I think you need to separate them.

The most pressing is what to do about your pregnancy. If your husband were being supportive (either way), would that change how you felt about having a termination?

Forget dh. What do you want to do?

beanieb Thu 30-Jul-09 11:36:43

sorry, Was supposed to read "if you are having doubts about being able to go through with a termination then you really mustn't allow him to emotionally blackmail you into one."

SleepyCaz Thu 30-Jul-09 11:38:09

You poor thing. How awful for you. Will he not talk about thinhgs at all? This is extremely unfair on you and whether he has depression or not, he is a human being who should be capable of realising that others have feelings too.

Have you thought about leaving yourself? Just take DS away for a few days, to thi k it all through. Even if it's only to grandparents. Will give you both breathing space.

Termination-wise, i don't know what to say. It sounds like you def don't want to have another baby. Are you just afraid of the procedure? Or having second thoughts.

You are NOT being unreasonable, your DH is being selfish.

LittleBottle Thu 30-Jul-09 11:39:39

My family all live at the other end of the country, as do his - we've ended up a bit isolated.

If he was supportive then I would keep it, absolutely. But I don't think it's fair or right to bring a child into the world whose parent feels so strongly about not wanting him/her.

I am quite sure it is the depression causing him to be like this, but he won't go back to the doctor. Short of dragging him there, I'm at a loss what to do.

As for the unprotected sex - we tried for over a year for DS and suffered 2 mcs, so really thought the chances of getting PG from one night were slim. Stupid stupid stupid.

LuluMaman Thu 30-Jul-09 11:40:23

YANBU

of course you are not

unfortunately your DHs depression is totally clouding his ability to support and help you

he contributed to this pregnancy.

it did not happen in a vacuum

i think the crux of it is, will you regret a termination at his behest, rather than a pregnancy that continues at your own?

if he is essentially opting out , then you should make the decision based on what is right and best for you

DH is in a very bad place right now if he thinks death is preferable to living ..

you cannot have a termination that will make your emotional issues worse, because he can;t engage with you

LittleBottle Thu 30-Jul-09 11:41:43

I have offered to send him away to his mum's house - not really practical for me to go anywhere as I work PT and can't take any time off at the moment. Currently off work with hideous morning sickness - had to tell my boss about pg but he knows it's all up in the air (am very lucky with work colleagues etc, thankfully)

randomtask Thu 30-Jul-09 11:42:44

I'd talk to his doctor-he shouldn't have come off the anti-depressants without talking to his GP. Did he lower the dosage or just stop? If he just stopped, I know that can cause major problems.

The difficulty of your situation is you have to decide if he loves you or just your DS. I know that will be horrible but if it is just for your DS it's not fair on you and TBH, (having a MIL who depends on my DSS for her emotional security) it's not fair on DS.

I can understand about the logic/emotion of a termination. Have you tried talking to a Marie Stopes type person or even your own GP? They are trained to help you and not just to tell you to terminate/keep your baby. I know it's a horrible thing to have to consider. Also, have you got help from anybody like Home Start with DS? If you suffered from PND you will need more support than most.

I'm not sure if your DH is being unreasonable or just being depressed but, it sounds like he's trying to use his feelings/depression to make you do what he wants. I know you're worried about him (and rightly so) but quite frankly, there are two of you in your marriage and two who made the baby. You should tell him to man up a bit-it might be the making of him.

LuluMaman Thu 30-Jul-09 11:43:44

do you want this baby?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 30-Jul-09 11:44:02

I truly believe that fathers have as much right as mothers to their child but when the baby hasn't been born yet it has to be the mothers decision.

You both took a risk so you both have to deal with it.

You need to talk, maybe with someone else there.

Is a termination a 100% no to you?

Is the baby a 100% no to him?

You might have to chose between having the baby and risking him leaving you or have a termination and then risk hating him for making you - if you feel bullied.

There is no real compromise as you can#t have half a baby.

A hard lesson - sex + no contraception can = a baby.

Good luck.

ineedalifelaundry Thu 30-Jul-09 11:44:44

So sorry for this awful situation sad

It seems like your DH isn't considering your feelings in this one little bit - and that would make me angry in your shoes. Every concern he has seems to be about himself, which seems like a very selfish attitude. I understand he's battling mental health issues but that doesn't give him carte blanche to ignore your feelings.

You say you can't cope with another DC yourself but you also can't imagine having a termination. Your feelings are mixed and you need to be totally sure before you make your decision.

I would also be worried about his comment that he would leave / kill himself if it wasn't for his son. He sounds very unstable - is it because he's stopped his medication? Is he doing this on advice from his doctor? Does he talk so freely about death / suicide when he's on the meds?

Really feel for you. Make him see his doctor and don't make any rash decisions re your pregnancy.

GypsyMoth Thu 30-Jul-09 11:44:58

how many weeks are you now?

bad situation,but he's no real partner is he? i think you can do better for yourself than this.

LuluMaman Thu 30-Jul-09 11:48:16

stopping ADs 'cold turkey' is a very , very bad idea

expatinscotland Thu 30-Jul-09 11:49:06

If he'd rather be dead than have another baby, then he should have had a vasectomy.

If you don't want an abortion, because it is your body and your choice, then don't.

Certainly don't do it for him.

Because he's not a partner, he's a psychic vampire and a drain on your energy.

LittleBottle Thu 30-Jul-09 11:49:34

I spoke to a lovely woman at a clinic this morning - have an appt next Tuesday evening for a consultation etc. so have the weekend to decide.

I genuinely don't know if I want another baby, or if it's just primal instinct/hormones/etc making me consider it. I think deep down I will be OK with a termination but made the mistake of reading about the procedures on the clinic website, and have given myself the fear/doubt again.

When he is taking his tablets he is just fine! He loves DS so much, plays with him, puts him to bed every other night, has him all day on a Saturday when I am working...but I think the tablets might be masking his real feelings.

He has said recently that he wouldn't leave us, as he has nowhere else to go hmm but I just put up with it for DS's sake/because I love him.

expatinscotland Thu 30-Jul-09 11:50:22

I'm depressed big time, doped up on A-Ds because it is my responsibility to keep my moods in check for the sake of my family.

Depression is not a get-out-of-life free card.

It does not excuse you from not having any consideration for your other half's feelings and your childrens' feelings.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 30-Jul-09 11:50:57

Please don't anymore

MamaKaty Thu 30-Jul-09 11:51:47

What a horrible situation to be in.
First of all, there is already excellent advice on here, I just wanted to add my support to it.
Take some time to figure out what you want for yourself, your child and your unborn baby. It sounds like you would be wise to get some support - have you spoken to your GP or district nurse? They might be able to refer you to someone who can support your family and help you look at your options.
Your OH is (probably un-intentionally) emotionally blackmailing you. Depression makes you selfish, and he probably doesn't realise the awful position he's putting you in. You can't change someone else unless they want to change themselves and no matter how much you care for him you will only ever lose if you take responsibility for his happiness. Make your choices for you and your babies. Kindest thoughts with you.

expatinscotland Thu 30-Jul-09 11:52:32

Do a search on termination threads on here.

You'll see a pattern immediately.

Any one who wasn't 100% sure they wanted the termination regrets it.

jemart Thu 30-Jul-09 11:53:11

Have you discussed with your family? What do they think about it?

growingout Thu 30-Jul-09 11:53:50

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