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to be annoyed at my mum?

(18 Posts)
bratley Thu 30-Jul-09 10:41:40

First the background info:
My 19yr old sister found out she's pregnant last night, she's only been with her boyfriend for a couple of months, they've been careful but obv not that careful, never planned or even considered having a baby yet.
She called me last night as she did the test (we live 300 miles away) so I was the first person to know.
My mum drinks a bottle of wine every night, she doesn't eat properly and is a bit of a nutter to be honest. My sister and I are forever mopping her up, very 'roles-reversed'.

Anyway last night after I'd spoken to her my sister went to her friends house, I know it was cos my mum was drunk and she couldn't cope with her while she was trying to deal with the shock of the test result.
Mum called me at 11.30pm in tears saying can I help her, she doesn't know what to do, she's never been through anything like this before, she doesn't know what to do, I've 'obviously got more understanding of how this stuff works', can I call sister and make sure she is at friends house, and on and on and on.... then when I wasn't all 'there, there, you'll be fine' (I was talking matter of factly about being there for sister), she said 'oh I shouldn't have bothered you, I should have called (my aunty)'

AIBU to be pissed off that my mum has, once again, made someone elses situation about her? She's always the 'pity me' whenever anything happens.
And that she has called me and asked me to deal with it.
I was really short with her on the phone, thinking 'oh here we go again'.
She always phones me saying '(sister) is really upset, can you talk to her?' or 'this has happened, can you deal with it?'
If my teenage daughter was pregnant I wouldn't be expecting anyone else to be there for her, I'd want to be there.

Now I feel bad for not doing 'tea and sympathy' but I just don't see that this is about her, is that awful?

Sorry its so long, I can't talk to anyone else about it, I haven't even told DH yet!

Supercherry Thu 30-Jul-09 12:14:28

YANBU, of course you're not. Relationships with people like your mum are emotionally draining, they're all take, take, take and no give.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on though and you did the right thing by not giving her the attention she clearly wanted.

As hard as it is, try and let it wash over you, your sister needs you at the moment.

I hope everything works out OK for your sister.

randomtask Thu 30-Jul-09 12:18:14

You sound like you did the right thing. You were an amazing sister and helped the right person. As for your Mum, she needs to know that she won't get attention when it's not her situation. So, you've dealt with her perfectly. Tell your Mum, you're helping your sister and she can do what she likes. Otherwise, try dealing with her like you would a child.

Hope your sister is okay and that it doesn't put too much strain on you having to help out (I know that whenever anything isn't right with my sister I turn into a nervous emotional wreck)....

bratley Thu 30-Jul-09 13:08:00

My sister just called me, she's been to Drs, my mum went with her and when they came out mum announced 'oh well, looks like I'll have to start working full time again now then!'
Apparently my step dad is going nuts now aswell.
She knows its not ideal, she knows she's been stupid, she knows its going to change her life completely, she certainly doesn't need him banging on about it.
Of all the parents to have in a crisis....! grin

My sister and I have always looked out for each other, always stood together, I think my mum knows that aswell, sister said 'mums just annoyed cos I told you first', which speaks volumes. Definitely think she's spitting her dummy out and you're right, I'm just gonna have to deal with her like a child.
I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake all the 'slightly-nuts' out of her and get her to carry out life like a well adjusted adult! grin

You know the best bit? My mum was 16 when she fell pregnant with me and my stepdad had a son when he was 17....

randomtask Thu 30-Jul-09 13:18:03

So they'll tell you it's because they didn't want the same for your sister? My sister's MIL is like that-conveniently forgets that she got pregnant at 16 and also that after the birth of my BIL (and his brother) her DH left her for 'tricking her' into having twins hmm.

My MIL is a bit of a nightmare anyway (lots of history and good reasons why but DH tells me she was like this before anyway) and if you tell anyone else something first she takes it as a personal insult. If you do tell her first, she'll tell everyone else, tell you what you should do (never asks what you'll do) and then fusses so much you wish you hadn't mentioned it. She used to call DH and check if DSS's other grandparents had seen him more than her then turn up. From 400 miles away.

I think you do just have to humour her and stay being supportive for your sister. Oh and of course have a laugh with your sister about how daft your Mum and Step Dad are. grin

bratley Thu 30-Jul-09 13:37:21

Yeah, they'll say they don't want her to go through what they went through. But she's a lot more mature than either of them at her age. She's so headstrong she'll achieve whatever she sets her mind to.
Hopefully things will settle down over the next few days/weeks, once the initial shock wears off!

Oh me and sister regularly dissect the parents! (not literally!)
If anything they've made me and my sister closer so can't really complain.
Would just like them to be a bit normal for a while, especially for sisters sake now.

I just wish I was closer so I could give her a hug sad

randomtask Thu 30-Jul-09 14:28:58

I can understand your need to give her a hug but I'm sure she feels loved enough with your support.

My parents were nuts when I was young (not so now, in fact very supportive to me but mainly because I ask for it) and we're sure that's why my sister, brother and I are close. In some ways it's nice, in other ways it's a shame. If they become 'normal' she'll panic. My Mum got maternal a few years ago after I'd had a minor op and I remember being very nervous. I even phoned my sister happily when they'd gone out without leaving any food I could eat at home (I wasn't allowed out for two weeks)! grin

bratley Thu 30-Jul-09 22:10:20

I get what you mean about her panicking if they become 'normal'!
DH hasn't mentioned anything about sister being pregnant, not a thing since I told him earlier.
I left it for a bit then while I was tidying up after DS went to bed I brought the subject up and he said 'so she's keeping it?' I said yes, tht was her decision and he made a comment that really cut deep, 'Is she mad? Raising a baby in that house with those 2? Poor little bugger'
Its ok for me to say they're nuts and crap parents but when someone else says it it really hits home that its true, IYSWIM??
Wish I could move her down here with us!

There's never any food in my mums house, fridge and freezer packed to explode but absolutely nothing worth eating, so I can sympathise with that one!

Bloody families eh!? grin

randomtask Fri 31-Jul-09 09:33:46

My DH and I regularly agree that we can be rude about our families but not each others! Weirdly, since moving out, we both think my parents are great (in their little way) as they're actually helpful and supportive. We now both have problems with DH's parents and I regularly remind him that although I'm frustrated by them, I know it's not his fault.

Maybe this will mean she moves out? She can probably get help from the council with her housing and although it's not ideal, it'll give her some independence. It could mean she gets to lead a 'normal' life and your parents can become grandparents who are slightly wacky, not parents who are nuts. Incidentally, if she wanted to live near you, she'd have to move near (or in with) you to get housed locally.

Stigaloid Fri 31-Jul-09 11:52:41

YANBU but your mum clearly has a problem with alcohol and alcholism is a very selfish disease. Everything becomes about the drinker and they can't see past that. You dealt with it fine - she needs to get help but only when she is ready to help herself. You can pass her the details of AA and local alcohol support groups and you can also contact Al-Anon for yourself and your sister.

bratley Sun 02-Aug-09 20:59:01

I think I may have to puff out my chest, take a deep breath and risk my mum blowing her top and never speaking to me again and just tell her, face to face, that she needs to stop drinking if she wants my sister and the baby to stay.
Its bad enough when we visit them and she's a liability but if she's going to be around my niece/nephew full time, she can't carry on like she is.

I spoke to my sister about moving out a few days ago, and asked if she's considered it and she said no, she'll move out eventually but she doesn't want to be on her own with a newborn straight away. Think once she gets her confidence up after having the baby she'll move out, I'd love her to move down here near us but she's got more family up north to support her, down here there'd judt be us, she's probablt better off there really sad

girlsyearapart Sun 02-Aug-09 21:10:20

yanbu but some people make everything all about them. 8 years ago when my sister who was well into her 30s announced pregnancy of her 1st dc with her long term partner my mum had a total freak out about being a gtandparent and spoiled it utterly for my lovely lovely sister. Bearing in mind my mum was a teenager when she had my sister and could have become a grandparent years earlier if my sis had followed same path.
8 years and 5 grandchildren later she has accepted the title of Grandma (almost) graciously..

bratley Sun 02-Aug-09 21:17:51

My dad finds it really hard to be a 'Grandad', it really hurts me when he says 'don't call me that, I'm too young!'
Families eh!? Friends are much easier! grin

KIMItheThreadSlayer Sun 02-Aug-09 21:21:51

Bratley are we related?

Hope you sister is doing ok and looking at all her options, she is lucky to have you x

bratley Sun 02-Aug-09 21:30:10

Thanks Lady!
I always try and do what I would like others to do for me, even if that means a lot of work.
Shame other people don't always return the effort!
Wouldn't surprise me if we were related, got family everywhere, seem to find people I know or who know me everywhere I go!

She seems to be ok, can well believe that whats going on in her head isn't what she's telling us, I know her too well, but 'm not gonna push her, she knows where I am if she needs anything. I'm just trying to treat her as normal now the excitement has died down, will do what I can when she needs me to.

juicyjolly Sun 02-Aug-09 21:37:31

it sounds to me like you should try and get used to the way your mum is, you do say that there is a bit of role reversal anyway.
Point is, you know your mum has always been like this so dont let it get to you.

bratley Sun 02-Aug-09 21:41:35

I know juicy, you think I'd have learned to get on with it by now, I've known how she is for long enough!
But I just feel so sorry for my sister, and hugely a bit protective, she's my baby sister! grin

juicyjolly Sun 02-Aug-09 21:54:54

It does seem like your sister also treats you a bit like the parent, so I think if your sister needs any emotional support (or any other support) then she knows who to contact.
Remember, your mum is always going to be this way so the only way to deal with it is the way you always have. Thats why your sister phoned you first and your mum phoned for your help and advice after.
You'll be fine.

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