AIBU to be really really angry to come home and find my baby crying and my DH asleep

[pissyknickers]

I've just been out for my first night out since having our baby 6 months ago. I went to a local restaurant (5 min walk away) with my NCT friends for dinner to celebrate my 40th birthday. I got home at 11.30 to find my baby screaming and my husband asleep in bed. I called him a despicable human being and fed her back to sleep. I went into his room (we sleep in seperate rooms as he has sleep apnoea and i can't sleep through the noise of his CPAP machine) to get the monitor thinking he'd slept through her crying which i was already fuming about (although i thought at that stage did prove what i'd always said about his ability to look after her if he sleeps through her crying) to find that he hadn't even taken the monitor upstairs with him.

He says he's only been in bed for about 20 mins, but i don't care whether that's true or not (and unlikely given he normally goes to bed at 10.30) as i'm just so upset that she's been left on her own crying. I've never left her to cry and it's been a concious decision not to. I feel like he's really let me down and can't be held resposible for her, i also feel really angry that he's spoiled my first night out.

I told him if she woke up anytime after 10.30 (the earliest she would have been due her next feed) that he could ring me and i'd come down. I hummed and hahed about ringing home all eveing but decided not to as i should trust him to look after her properly and i just feel absolutely furious that he didn't.

He says he's sick of me having a go at him, but i feel like there's just no excuse for going to bed without the monitor and leaving her to cry for god knows how long.

Am i being unreasonable to feel this angry. Can i trust him to ever look after properly again?

thanks for your advice

[zazen]

Humm... don't know what to say except that if he has a sleep disorder, then perhaps you can't leave him with your DD at night time again.

My Dh could and did sleep through earthquakes, so I do know how it feels to be constantly 'on call' without a break. Have you got good smoke alarms installed etc etc?

In order that I get out to see my pals, I take a long lunch now, and that suits everyone. I get back about 6pm in time for the witching hours of bath and bed, and then I get to have an early night. Which is just magic having had most of the day off!

Happy birthday BTW

[skybright]

Happy Birthday.

I would be fuming,he has a lot of making up to do IMO.

[bumpybecky]

YANBU to feel angry

I think you need to calm down a bit before you say anything else though. I'm not surprised you're angry, I would have been too. But your daughter is OK. I understand about not letting her cry normally, but as a one off it won't have caused her any lasting damage.

I think you need a serious discussion with your (not so D)H in the morning about how crap he was.

[choosyfloosy]

Unreasonable to feel that angry? No - he should have done better than that. But unreasonable to 'always say' that he can't look after her, to call him despicable... it does sound like there is not a lot of kindness going on in your relationship at the moment, and a lot of undermining that will not help him be a good dad. It's so tough in the first few years... is there a way to get back towards feeling as if you are in this together?

So sorry your birthday and precious night out feel spoilt. Do you ever have other babysitters?

[gillybeanie]

YANBU

[Niecie]

No YANBU to be angry. He knows he has a sleep disorder and should have got himself organised so he could hear your DD when she cried. 11.30 isn't late - he even have stayed up just this once if he thought he wouldn't wake to hear her.

I think you have to let it go though, for both your sakes. If you go on too much he won't take responsibility for your DD again and although I imagine you can't think about trusting him again for a while, at some point you will want to go out again and you will need his cooperation and help.

Plus, I suspect he knows he is in the wrong but is unlikely to apologise if he feels under attack. You won't get a chance to talk properly about this you don't both stay calm. You made your point, he knows you are angry but now you both have to put things right by discussing what to do to avoid it happening again and to rebuild your faith in his ability to cope with your DD if you aren't there.

[sunnydelight]

He should have brought the monitor up, but stop being so precious. I understand you're angry but you are not the only parent here, he has an equal right to make whatever decision he likes about whether he leaves her to cry or not. I appreciate that 99% of people on here will give you tons of sympathy but I'm trying to give you some long term relationship advice . It's a really slippery slope when mums get convinced that they are the only ones capable of looking after their children, very often it comes back to bite you on the bum. Have a rational discussion in the morning about what you didn't like about what happened but try not to get into "my way is the only way".

[franklymydear]

well said sunnydelight

[gingerbunny]

sunny delight, there is a huge difference between minor niggles between two people in how to raise thier child and being neglectful!
A child of that age should never be left to cry. Especially given that she was probably wondering where her mummy was as she never been left to cry before and no child should ever be left for 20 mins to cry.
he went to sleep while looking after his child, without being able to hear her! She was upset, she could have had a coughing fit, she could have vomited, she could have etc etc.
You need to talk about it in the morning, but he needs to understand the consquences of what could have happened. He probabley just didn't think!

[sleeplessinstretford]

i am with sunnyd here.
There is more than one way to skin a cat-
and yes,the baby may have been upset but no harm done.
none of us have any idea how long she'd been crying, she might have just started to cry.
it's not worth destroying your marriage/husband-child relationship over one night.
My dp is crap in some ways-but you know what? dressing her like a refugee is something i don't do but he doesn't care,sometimes she likes waffles and fish fingers for tea-it wont kill her.
It's unlikely he'll do it again-please resist the temptation to go overboard and tell him you were upset that she was upset-and that in future it's not unreasonable to expect him to stay awake (or is it unreasonable with sleep aopnea?)until you get back.

[sunnydelight]

Sorry gingerbunny, but I think talking about this constituting neglect is exactly that kind of "sympathy" that doesn't do the OP any favours. We can all agree to disagree about how to raise our children, but leaving a baby to cry for 20 minutes doesn't constitute neglect. I'm not saying it's good, I'm not saying you have to like it but get real - there are plenty of examples of proper neglect all around us.

[revgreen]

My ds sometimes takes ages to wake me at night. I'm sure he has cried for 20mins on more than 1 occasion and he sleeps right next to me. There is no way that this makes me a negletful parent and I would be very pissed off if my dh called me a despicable human being because of it.

I can understand that you are angry because he should have taken the monitor up, he could have tried to stay awake or called you to come home and feed her but I think that your fury is out of proportion. I do understand how precious nights out are, I have been out 4 times in the last 6 years and I know that you would want everything to go well but to be cross with someone for being asleep at night time is a bit unreasonable imo.

[pissyknickers]

thanks for your responses, it's good to get a variety of views. Unfortunatly i didn't see him this morning as he left for work before we woke up.

I have calmed down a bit from my level of fury last night, but am still angry about it to be honest. I agree that despicable human may have been a bit strong, but it was just what popped out of my mouth in the heat of the moment.

I had always been worried about him hearing her crying at night given his sleep issues, so if she had been crying and he'd have been asleep i would have been cross but not furious (as long as he had the volume turned to max). It was the fact that he didn't take the monitor to bed or even leave the door open so that he could hear her that made me so angry - it just showed no planning/thought and unfortunatley is fairly typical of him.

You're right about there being not a lot of love at the moment, i feel very much on my own with looking after her at the moment as he's never done any of the night stuff and works really long hours. He then moans about not seeing her (which i agree must be really hard, as i'd absolutely hate it), but then when he does get the chance to have some time with her at the weekend, he sticks her on the floor and watches TV, which has caused lots of arguments.

I also think you're right to say that i need to put the relationship into perspective and have a discussion about why i was so pissed of and upset but then move on (that's the bit i find difficult!)

DH just rang and we've had a discussion about it. He's apologised and understands why i was so mad. He says he thought he was going to stay awake, we've agreed that's silly given the apnoea (once he's going to sleep there's no stopping him) and he says he thought he heard me come home. He agrees that he needs to forward plan better next time. I will be nervous but have to trust that he won't do it again.

Reading your replies before talking to him really helped, particularly as it's the first time i've posted after lurking for ages.

[cornflakegirl]

When my DS was little, he was napping in his room while I had lunch in the garden with a friend. I hadn't taken the monitor because I thought I could hear him fine from the garden (small house). But when I went into the kitchen when we'd finished eating, I heard DS crying - really shouting, like he'd been doing it a while. I felt really bad, but it wasn't neglect, and DS is fine.

You're not unreasonable to be angry, but you are if you hold a grudge and especially if you tell your DH that you can't trust him to look after your DD. Have a calm conversation with him about how you can both make sure that your family is safe at night.

[cornflakegirl]

Sorry - xpost. Glad you sorted it!

[AuntieMaggie]

Glad to see you seem to be working this out.

None of us know how long she was crying for before you came home - she may even have heard you come home and just started crying. I don't think he'd have consciously gone to bed if she wasn't settled.

He made a mistake but he shouldn't be dragged over the coals for it.

I hope you both manage to sort stuff out - it can't be easy having to sleep apart and deal with his sleep apnea.

[bubblagirl]

to be honest i can see why your cross but you got a night out and he was parenting to pick at how they parent will always hurt if she had been crying ages you would have seen that she would have probably been sick and in a right state

you too one day may doze and not hear her crying quite possible you have done already without knowing to be nasty is not right

you need to be kind to each other my dp worked long hrs still does and works away at times and the resentment i felt nearly tore us apart but his working to provide for the family not out clubbing with friends so to be so resentful isnt really fair

what got me was when my dp came home once and said i dont feel its my home any more i never do any thing right you always correct me when i have ds and i feel im not welcome that was the turning point for me

he will parent differently and quite right so its his child and things wont go how you always want them too but as long as child is in no danger then you have to let them do what they do with the child

you have made your point now about the sleep and his well aware but any feelings of resentment or help you may need talk dont just resent each other your both working hard get some quality time of an evening and bite your tongue if his doing something how you wouldn't do it, its healthy to have two people parent differently

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

That sounds like a really positive discussion.

I understand your general background annoyance about your DH not getting involved. Can you have a chat with him and see if you can structure something? For example, my DH plays with DS for half an hour before his bath, and then gives him his bath while I have 45 mins to myself. Now very often I spend this time sorting out laundry and tidying up, but at least it gets done and then once DS is asleep then I can relax too.
DH does this part of the routine every day, unless he is working late. Because he knows it's coming, every day, it's automatic with him now. I have to say that it's got easier as DS has got older (he is 12 months) because DH feels that he can be more useful.
I stay away during this time and let DH get on with it. He doesn't do things quite how I would, but I just let him get on with it.

[mayorquimby]

yabvu. completely precious and over-reacting by calling him a despicable human being.

[pissyknickers]

yes it is difficult to deal with the sleep thing, it can make you feel very seperate if you're already feeling like that. He's trying to lose weight at the moment to see if it helps. We've got used to having our own space, but it would be nice to have the option to sleep together. Whereas we used to always have a cuddle before he went to sleep and before he went to work, we tend not to at the moment as the baby is in bed with me in the morning and the evening is the only time i get to myself so i tend to catch up on stuff.

No he definitely didn't go to bed while she was awake, she would have made it very obvious. I could hear her crying when i opened the door so i think she had been awake for a while, and she had been sick although i didn't realise until this morning (but that could have been earlier in the evening), so yes i appreciate that i don't know how long she'd been crying. But it broke my heart to think it might be ages, as i always go to her straight away when i hear her.

I also freely admit to being a bit of a control freak and thinking that i look after her better than anyone else, but then i do do it 24 hours a day so it would be a bit rubbish if i didn't. My DH is also very stubborn and won't take advice, even though i try very hard to give it in a calm and not naggy way (not always sucessfully!). I feel like i am the expert at the moment, in the same way i wouldn't go to his workplace and presume i knew how to do his job. But i do see that he has to learn to trust his instincts in how to look after her and i need to back off sometimes. But i also want her to have some positive interaction with her dad actually playing together (with the TV off!) and i don't want to let that drop.

Unfortunately he often doesn't get home in time to bath her or if he does not for any play time before bathing, which is why i want them to play at the weekend.

[bubblagirl]

you have just hit nail on head you wouldn't go to his job and tell him how to do it there's a difference you didnt make his job lovingly between the 2 of you yes its your job of a day but your parents you made this child together and he needs to find his own way to parent to find himself without being judged let him make little mistakes its how he'll learn no parent would put there child in danger so let him find his feet back off and he may be more comfortable doing more with your dd

my dp didnt do much with ds and when i asked i was told because you always tell me what to do how to do it correct what im doing etc and i dont feel comfortable so im not saying it because im picking on you i lived it my poor dp

i backed off he relaxed and although parented different to me no damage was done ds thrived still and dp was more comfortable doing more its ok to be protective around dc with strangers but not with own parent

your doing a great job but no parent is an expert your comfortable with how your doing things and dont want it done any different but your child is both of yours and both should parent how they feel best support each other

also advise can sound like criticism let him do what he feels best and how he feels best dont offer advise just tell him to ask you if he needs help with anything

[Morloth]

You can't control their relationship, you just need to leave them too it. When I stagger out of bed o a weekend morning DH & DS are usually watching TV/playing x-box. That is quality time to them.

[pissyknickers]

i know that's quality time for an older child but not for a an active 6 month old

[bubblagirl]

if it helps its not unusual for men to not know how to amuse a baby you will find when she moves around more and becomes more active men know there role dp didnt have a clue how to entertain a baby but when ds got older he was fab

my dad admitted the same my fil admitted the same every man i know has no idea how to amuse a baby some do i suppose but not in my circle of people all couldn't wait for active child

give a book and tell him to cuddle up and read book while you have bath and leave him to parent how he feels best

maybe tell him what to do and leave him alone while his doing it so you dont feel the need to interfere the more confident he gets the more he will want to do