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AIBU?

AIBU to want to spend my one child free week a year without children at home?

25 replies

emsylou · 29/07/2009 19:47

I think I know the answer to this and I think Im probably being very unreasonable but I need to check as feel like Im going a little mad. Here goes...My ex husband has my children one weekend a month and one week a year. I know that this is good and I am grateful that I get a break sometimes. My eleven year old son has aspergers so it is nice to recharge my batteries occassionally. I am a few months into a new relationship. My partner also has two children.

He has them most weeks for a couple of days and lots more in the holidays. As I have the biggest house we all stay at mine and have lots of fun and do childfriendly stuff together and its great.

He did not want to go for a week without seeing his children which is great and I love him for being so hands on but he invited them to my house while my children were away without discussing it with me first. I had made arrangements to see my friends for some of the time during this week and the rest of it his children are at my house so still no quality time!! I know this sounds really awful but I struggle to connect with children properly when I have time off from my own. I love his kids, they are great. I am feeling really horrible and selfish. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable to want some adult time?

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HumphreyCobbler · 29/07/2009 19:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Can't you ask you dp to go to his house while you have a little break?

poopscoop · 29/07/2009 19:50

YABU sorry but i think you are. Kids are part and parcel of your relationship. You knew he had dc when you got together.

Most people don't get any child free weeks anyway.

CyradisTheSeer · 29/07/2009 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CarGirl · 29/07/2009 19:53

No YANBU having been in step family set up it's your 1 week per year. You don't live together yet, you're not asking him to not see & have his dc your just saying for that week only to have them at his house.

I would tell him very nicely that you'd already mentally made plans for those days that do not involve having children in your house. Obviously if you lived together it would be different.

HighOnDieselAndGasoline · 29/07/2009 19:55

I think YANBU - it is tough being a single mum, and it doesn't sound like you get much of a break.

You have only been seeing your new man a few months, it is not as if his children already have the status of DSS/DSD.

Have a chat to him and explain that you would like a few days to spring clean your house and do all sorts of boring jobs while the kids are away. I am not normally one for white lies in relationships, but I think in this case it's justified. You need some time to recharge your batteries.

You and he sound very nice btw. Hope you can find a solution that everybody's happy with.

Nappyzoneisabeetrootrunner · 29/07/2009 19:58

I agree YANBU - i would tell a little porker or just be honest .

emsylou · 29/07/2009 20:00

Hi humphreycobbler, his house consists of a one bedroom flat that his ex girlfriend is still living in until the middle of august so a bit difficult. I know I am lucky to get a week off a year and i do appreciate it loads. Just wanted to spend some with my dp, or at least him to want to plan to do something with me for some of the time.

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emsylou · 29/07/2009 20:06

Thanks so much guys....I have been feeling really guilty about how I have been feeling, I know that the dc's have to come first but we havent made house together yet and I just wanted to be responsibility free for a few days. We will sort it out I know, he is a lovely reasonable man, just a little thoughtless at times!

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MrsGuyofGisbourne · 29/07/2009 20:15

yanbu - you are a saint!
you DESREVE your one week off, to be toally child free - but you have been so lovely to his his he hasn't understood. Just gently let him know for next year....

hercules1 · 29/07/2009 20:18

If I am out in public without my own children I avoid other peoples children like the plague (apart from when I'm teaching ).

Yanbu. I think a white lie as someone suggested is in order.

emsylou · 29/07/2009 20:25

not so sure about the saint part but yes, maybe I should have discussed this issue with him long before the event so we could have planned some nice time for us and some for him and his dcs while i was away with friends. Im really not sure why i feel so angry about this.

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emsylou · 29/07/2009 20:31

I am so glad to hear you say that Hercules. I love my kids and everyone elses but when I havent got mine I do become a bit adult focused I suppose. I had them in my early twenties and like being able to be a little bit selfish sometimes. My friends and I that are in similar position have an unwritten rule about such things as visiting with children when the owner of the house is without.. te he. Works well!

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Boys2mam · 29/07/2009 20:37

YANBU

BUT if you are intending on making this a lasting relationship, which if you are vested in the kids so far must be on the cards (?) then you should start thinking about what his commitments to his kids means when yours are with their Daddy.

My DS spends 1 wk with his father 4 times per year and my DP and I make sure we have some child free time during those periods (he has 2 DS's with his ex and we have one DS together). You are completely entitled to time with your DP, and of course time to yourself, but he also has his commitments which cannot be cancelled when you have no children to entertain. You mention lovely child-friendly stuff you do, they can't be pushed aside so you have all free time.

I don't mean that to be harsh, I know its early days in your relationship, I'm just urging you to think how things may change in the future.

emsylou · 29/07/2009 20:50

yes I know you are right, just wanted to be included in making plans for the week together, thanks for the comments, I need to hear this. Its all new territory for me. I havent been in a relationship with children before. Thanks

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raffyandted · 29/07/2009 22:07

YANBU, If I got a week without my DS then I wouldn't be keen to have someone elses's children staying with me, no matter who's they were & how lovely they usually are.

It's your one and only week to yourself & you deserve to spend it your way.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/07/2009 22:15

YANBU

And why does your ex only have his child for 1 week a year?

Your new man might not be being deliberately thoughtless, it might not have registered what normally happens and doesn't appreciate you need your week.

TBH if it is good enough to sleep with him it should be good enough to be honest with him.

moomaa · 29/07/2009 22:22

YANBU, it's your time and your house. He needs to make his own arrangements for that week, same as he would have to if he was going out with someone who also had a one bed flat that they shared with their ex!

simplesusan · 29/07/2009 23:21

YANBU We all deserve our "Me Time"

BitOfFun · 29/07/2009 23:27

YANBU. I have a similar situation, and we try to co-ordinate as much child-free time as possible. It does you the power of good.

SoccerMum · 29/07/2009 23:30

YANBU

Go and stay in his house and let him have his kids at your place if its space that is the issue.

curiositykilled · 29/07/2009 23:47

He should really have asked but he might just have assumed it'd be OK which is not a capital offence. Try not to be too cross but make sure you discuss it with him so he knows next time (if there is one).

MissSunny · 30/07/2009 01:38

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hayes · 30/07/2009 01:44

I would say enjoy a week on your own recharge your batteries I would love to do this if I could, speaking as a mum of 3 and stepmum to 2 xx

sunnydelight · 30/07/2009 08:40

No YANBU, you don't live together so I would expect him to realise that if your kids aren't there that maybe you might like some child free time. I'm not being nasty, but it sounds like it's convenient for him to be at yours with his kids so he really hasn't thought about what you might want.

emsylou · 30/07/2009 09:46

dp stays with me most of the time, him and ex gf are sorting out new flats separately and moving out into them next week, so is all a bit of a logistical nightmare at the moment. I have a three bedroomed house so it is nicer and easier to have them at mine so I do understand how difficult it is at the moment for him. I think he struggles to see the situation through my eyes as I am the main carer for my children and have been on my own with that responsibility for a long time and he is the weekend dad. The bits of time I get to myself are so precious, so sure he realises quite how precious .

This time I am going to get on with my stuff, have the kids over and make sure we communicate better next time. I have got nice times planned with my girlfriends during the week as well so should be fun. Thanx for your responses. I feel less mad now then when posted.

just to clarify, the ex gf is not mother of children. She dosent have any children of her own.

And my ex has my children one weekend a month as well as one week a year. i dont feel quite so precious about the weekends!

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