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annoyed at arrangements for MIL's funeral

(29 Posts)
pinkthechaffinch Wed 29-Jul-09 19:34:42

My MIL has recently died of cancer. She had 3 sons, 2 of whom did not spend much time with her in her final months or visited her during the final horrific days in hospital. But my DH did. He stroked her hand and was there for her at the end, and has also done more than anyone for his grieving DAD.
Which is why I am really hacked off to find out that there is 'not room' for him in the funeral cortege. He says he is happy to travel with me and dC's but i know this is because he hates causing a fuss. There is room for the other 2 brothers.
AIBU or am i over reacting-it is after all a short trip to the crematorium.

Grammaticus Wed 29-Jul-09 19:35:46

They should all be together. All the three sons.

K999 Wed 29-Jul-09 19:36:19

YANBU...who decided on who was travelling in the cars? could you order another one?

poopscoop Wed 29-Jul-09 19:36:35

Not overacting in the least. that is terrible and firstly i am sorry for his/your loss.

He must insist that he goes in the funeral car. Whatever are they thinking by even considering not putting all the children together. His Mum would not want that either.

oldraver Wed 29-Jul-09 19:36:50

Why is there no room ?? Its is mother FFS. I thought funeral cars could hold at least five people

PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 19:38:01

They should all be together,when my Nana & Grandad died we all walked behind the hearse to the graveyard (only about 1/2 mile walk).

They should bloody well find room,its only right all her sons should be together.

Condolences to btw.

TheCrackFox Wed 29-Jul-09 19:38:28

He should be with his brothers. Why is there no room? And who decided all this?

YANBU

wahwahwah Wed 29-Jul-09 19:39:14

Says who? I assume there are partners and kids of the other brothers in the car too. These cars are huge (too many trips in these I'm afraid) and you can definately get 5 adults in them.

TheProfiteroleThief Wed 29-Jul-09 19:42:57

It seems very common, for those who do least, to be most dramatic in their griving ime.

Apparntly lots of vicars/celbrants recognise the guilt grieving that goes on. SOunds like a prime example.

TBH, when we had parents funerals, the cortege car was usually half empty as we all had small children in car seats and wanted the support of our partners.

A second car would be a compromise.
Sorry for your loss

pinkthechaffinch Wed 29-Jul-09 19:44:39

Thanks for your comments, have been reading them out to DH. i think a lot of it is guilt grieving, don't know what the outcome will be, Dh says he is going to talk to his dad again sad

TheProfiteroleThief Wed 29-Jul-09 19:55:14

Guilt grievers are awful. They seem to forget that it is better to love someone when they are alive.

KIMItheThreadSlayer Wed 29-Jul-09 20:04:24

DH1 had this when his dad died, his half sister who was not his dads child shoved her fat ares in the funeral cars, FILs brother in law stuck himself in too.

Vile people IMO

Fizzylemonade Wed 29-Jul-09 20:04:32

All 3 sons should be in the car and then partners/wives/children go separately.

It would look very odd for only 2 sons to get out of the car, it would cause a lot of questions which is not what you want people focusing on the day of the funeral.

Condolences btw.

BlueSmarties Wed 29-Jul-09 20:05:20

I guilt grieved the house down at the last funerals I went to. At other funerals of loved ones I barely shed a tear coz I had been with them a lot during painful final months, days etc and was just relieved for me and them that it was all over. But at aunties funeral I was a wreck - was once v.close, lived with her while I was at uni and loved her to bits but she was alcoholic who I hadn't seen for four years coz didn't want to take my kids to that environment. It was pretty obvious I was the guilt griever - all other close friends and family strong and silent - me blubbing uncontrollably on way there, in funeral on way back etc etc. blush

itchyandscratchy Wed 29-Jul-09 20:06:50

Presume the main car will be for your dad and your dh's brothers and their partners?

Tbh I'd be tempted to just go along with the arrangements and your dh go along with the people he loves best - you and your dcs (if they're going). If it helps his brothers to attempt to absolve their guilt by travelling in the fanciest car, then let them. Doesn't change the reality of the situation and really, the only person that it affectes was his mum. He knows he was there for her and that will be consolation for him in the times to come.

Don't let this sad time which should be to reflect and celebrate what she was to your you all become an opportunity for the others to point-score and competitively grieve.

I would imagine the whole day will be pretty hard to swallow anyway, what with the genuine grief mingling with guilt and high emotions. Let it go.

TheProfiteroleThief Wed 29-Jul-09 20:07:38

If a second car is a problem, it might be worth considering other things - eg if there is a wake somewhere other than home.

It can be easier to travel under your own steam than to have to organise taxis etc (esp with car seats). Of course, he may not feel up to driving.

It would be inconvenient if the guilt grievers were stuck at a remote venue for a wake.

itchyandscratchy Wed 29-Jul-09 20:08:28

sorry, that should have said affected

edam Wed 29-Jul-09 20:13:15

Oh I recognise this one - my EX stepmother forced her way into the funeral car with us at my Grandmother's funeral. Ex-step had been divorced from my Dad for a decade! And she shoved her way into our wedding car (admittedly not to the ceremony, the day after when we were setting off for our honeymoon).

Your dh should stand up for himself - but more importantly his brothers should not be trying to shut him out. Appalling behaviour on their part.

famishedass Wed 29-Jul-09 20:17:05

that's a really mean thing for your dh's family to do to him. I wouldn't cause a fuss. I'd accept it with dignity.

Itchyandscratchy is right, nothing changes the fact that your dh was there for his mother when it mattered.

carocaro Wed 29-Jul-09 20:17:07

He should just do what he wants. when my Dad died I just could not face going in the car behind the coffin, I went with my husband in our car. It was just all too too much to bear at the time, my grandparents were really cross about it and so was my uncle, like I needed that shit about fucking trasport on the day of his funeral, people are such tossers. it's bloody detail and why others get so obsessed about it is beyind me. do what you want!

onepieceoflollipop Wed 29-Jul-09 20:20:26

I agree with itchy. You and your dh know the truth

Best wishes to your family at this time, especially you and your lovely dh.

CyradisTheSeer Wed 29-Jul-09 20:33:34

Message withdrawn

salbysea Wed 29-Jul-09 20:37:24

same rubbish with who went in the limos at a funeral in my family angry (and who there "wasnt room for"

no advise, just letting ya know you're not alone

cat64 Wed 29-Jul-09 20:38:26

Message withdrawn

KIMItheThreadSlayer Wed 29-Jul-09 20:47:06

A typical funeral limo can take 6 people and it is custom for the spouse and children of the person to travel in the only/first car

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