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(28 Posts)
PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:11:48

Ds is 3 next week & we are having his party this weekend,lots of his friends from play group are coming to it,plus his cousins.

Well just to give you a bit of history so it doesnt turn into drip feeding,DH has a younger sister & she has 2 lo's.

In laws have done everything for sil & her lo's, they have them over to sleep,play etc & buy them toys to play with at their home.Our ds has never stayed at their house & they have only ever taken him to the shop once.

We have asked them to mind him for us on numerous occasions but there always seems to be a reason not to.

DH had a word with his Dad once about it, as he was sorting out the pics on in laws pc & there was not one pic of our ds but hundreds of sils lo's.FIL said 'oh we have to help sil out more cos she has a looser for a boyf'

Admittedly he is, but why should our ds miss out on a relationship with his gp's because of that?

Anyway, in 2 weeks we are going to a friends for a bar-b-q & a catch up as some mutual friends are also coming over from Italy so we asked in laws if they would mind our ds for 3 hrs for us,they hummed & haaed & then said no they couldnt as they were looking after sils lo's that day.

No problem cos she got there first,so yesterday i was sorting out the final list for ds's party & i rung in laws to ask if sils lo's were both coming & they said 'only X is coming, Y is not' OK i think, not sure why Y isnt coming so i asked mil who was going to watch Y whilst sil was at the party & she said 'oh we are'.

So i am really disappointed that none of his gp's are going to his birthday party & i dont know why sil isnt letting Y come to the party.

SIL's eldest child had their party last month & even though i was quite ill i still managed to attend that party as did the gp's.

Am i being unreasonable to expect them to come to his party? They only have 3 gc,so surely its not that hard to treat them all the same.

Depending on the advice i get on here determines if i say anything to them about it.

Oh & DH agrees with me & he is disappointed in them also.

ssd Wed 29-Jul-09 09:23:15

YANBU

very close minded and unreasonable of them

I'm glad your dh agrees with you, you should get him to have a word with his parents and sort this out before your ds is old enough to notice

FWIW my in laws ignore my kids even though they are the only kids in the family, and my 2 are old enough to notice (I sure noticeangry)

I think you've been very patient but enoughs enough

chickydee Wed 29-Jul-09 09:27:03

Families, esp inlaws, are the spwan of the devil.
My children are my parenst only grandchildren,but my mil has 2 others who she sees all the time and spoils rotten, my 2 can go (and have done this year) a whole year without even seeing her.
My dd has been extremely ill this year and has mil been round? Bothered to call her and ask how she is? Send a get well card? NO.
My son is her only grandson,and she reckons she dotes on him, yeah right, from afar.
My oh is totally pissed off with them all, and quite franky my attitude now is "if you cant be arsed, neither can i".
My parents give my kids all the love and attention a grandparent should give,and that is enough, for now, and my in laws can all ** off!!! Useless.

I have freinds who are better aunties etc to my kids than the actual aunt and uncle.
You can't choose your family, but you can choose your freinds!!

GoldenSnitch Wed 29-Jul-09 09:27:36

That's terrible! Your poor DS.

I feel like my DS has a different relationship with DH's parents to that of my 2 SIL's kids sometimes but I've always put that down to the fact that MIL and SIL's are very close and speak to each other multiple times a day and that both SIL's are happy to leave the children with MIL and FIL for whole weeks at a time while they go on holiday when I could never do that.

That being said, PIL are generally always happy to have DS to stay over or to babysit and include him as one of the grandchildren. MIL had DS for me on Monday while also having 2 other GC's at the same time. I think the most they've done at once was 6 GC's!! I actually think she'd love to have him more often if only I would leave him there.

Not coming to your DS's party because they're babysitting another GC is horrible. You need to find out why Y isn't coming. If it's just a grounding or something then I think it's totally unfair to punish your DS too by stopping his GP's coming to his party...

ssd Wed 29-Jul-09 09:29:51

chicky, is you in laws like mine - lots of photos around the house of your kids to show to visitors but they never phone to ask about them/never visit/don't have a clue where the kids school is, what class they are in, even though they live 20 mins away?

agree with you BTW

ssd Wed 29-Jul-09 09:31:28

sorry "are your"...

I'm not Ali G!

LynetteScavo Wed 29-Jul-09 09:31:59

YANBU - are the other grand children girls?

Just trying to figure what this is about.

LynetteScavo Wed 29-Jul-09 09:33:02

I have noticed (in my family) tend to favour the daughters DC's to the sons. It's as if they feel more conected with them.

PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:34:17

Thankyou for your replies,its good for me to know that i am not being unreasonable cos i am sometimes guilty of over thinking things.

GoldenSnitch - its not through a grounding that Y isnt coming to the party as all the children are under 4 & Y is actually 2.

I am going to say that we were all very disappointed that they werent at ds' party,he is starting to notice that he is being treated differently & i am not having that.

If all the gc are at in laws house sil's lo's always sidle up to 'grandad' & say to our ds 'this is MY gd'.

PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:35:17

LS - yes the other children are both girls.

blinks Wed 29-Jul-09 09:40:02

this is horribly similar to how my DH and his family have fallen out. now only some people are speaking to others.

my MIL said on she was coming to our DD1's birthday party, not FIL, although he would have been at home, not 2 minutes away.

i questioned this as was surprised and apparently that was enough to warrant being ignored for months, treated to the silent treatment by 2 of DH's brothers. my kids birthday was ignored by all but one of his family members.

eventually DH called them and had it out with them over the phone, asking why they showed such obvious favouritism towards her other grandchild, remarking that this was very hurtful for us.

he was thoroughly rounded on and as a result he doesn't speak to his parents and most of his brothers. i only see my MIL very occassionally and she doesn't seem in any way bothered about not seeing the kids regularly.

i can't be fucked with them really as they have no regard for anyone else's feelings and they add NOTHING to our lives.

it's their problem and they're the ones missing out so MORE FOOL THEM.

my advice would be keep a healthy distance and invest nothing in them.

ssd Wed 29-Jul-09 09:41:47

it won't be long before this upsets you ds and he won't want to go and visit them! not that I blame him.......

agree with the girl thing, I have 2 ds's and MIL said when ds2 was due "oh I hope its a girl, I'm surrounded by boys", when she had her 30 yr old daughter still living at home....

PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:43:20

'my advice would be keep a healthy distance and invest nothing in them.'

Thanks Blinks that sounds like the best thing that can happen now.

Like you say they are so missing out on him,their loss not ours,but i do think it sad that our ds wont have a close relationship with his gp's.

Knickers0nMaHead Wed 29-Jul-09 09:44:40

i would say something to them. It isnt fair on your ds at all. Has your dh said anything properly? I mean had a proper convo with them? Yanbu at all.

Knickers0nMaHead Wed 29-Jul-09 09:44:56

i would say something to them. It isnt fair on your ds at all. Has your dh said anything properly? I mean had a proper convo with them? Yanbu at all.

twinmam Wed 29-Jul-09 09:45:35

PM73 I really feel for you. This is so hurtful and unbelievable that they can't see it.

I wonder if some gps have a closer relationship with their DD's children than their Ds's? That seems to be the case amongst many of my friends. That said, you have obviously tried to include them with DS and have given them no reason to behave in this way. Maybe they feel like your SIL needs them more if her DP is indeed useless and that in turn has created a closer relationship.

Anyway, whatever their reasons this does nothing for you and your poor DS sad YANBU at all and I think it is time for your DH to sit and have a proper chat with them about this. Perhaps he needs to make time to go round one evening with no distractions and tell them how their behaviour is making you both feel and how you are concerned that this favouritism will hurt your DS. Done in a very diplomatic way, of course!

Tortington Wed 29-Jul-09 09:47:12

my pil are the same regarding favourites.

rarely interested in my kids

so consequently - my kids now 16 & 19 are not interested in them - when they come to visit BIL ( as he has the favourite kids but moved 300 miles to be near us) they comment on not seeing the twins - and i think well what do you expect?

out kids were always the ones without presents becuase pil were skint and bil was less well off than us - so that meant that they bought his kids mahoosive expensive pressies - and mine got fuck all. just one example. a token - something to unwrap from nanna and grandad would have ben appreciated - instead my kids saw their cousins (who lived on the same street two doors away) get pressies of nan and g/dad and saw the favouritism for themselves.

now my kids aren't bothered if they see them or not - <shrug> not my making.

PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:49:37

Thankyou all,it helps knowing we are not alone.

Just off out to the shops now so not ignoring you.

Thanks again.

GoldenSnitch Wed 29-Jul-09 09:50:42

I would definitely say DH's parents are closer with thier daughters kids than with our DS.

If Y is 2 then she'd have to be very ill to have a good excuse for not coming and keeping both GP's away in the process!!

ssd Wed 29-Jul-09 09:53:11

agree re sons and daughters

when me and dh got married we got a £20 voucher, when SIL got married she got £1000

what can you say about that other than shaking your head?

positiveattitudeonly Wed 29-Jul-09 10:05:37

So similar to my IL treatment of DC's and SIL DCs. sad
I used to get really upset by it, especially when DH worked away and I was on my own 24/7 with young DCs and SIL had DH at home and IL always helped her and put her DCs before ours. DH has always been treated like this by them, so he was never shocked, but i was!

As our DCs (5 of them) have got old enough to understand they see it all for themselves without me saying a thing. They have been hurt by it, but the ones who have missed out the most are the GP who do now not even recognise their own GCs in town. sad

In case anyone says that it was because we had so many, they were like it from day 1 with DD1. When we told them we were expecting No 3 the response I got was "You've made your bed, you lie in it" For the rest of the 9 months the fact I was pregnant was ignored. The day I was due I was told to get off my fat bottom and go and play in the garden, my kids needed me! (while they sat and played with other GC.! angry)

DC5 has never been to their house. I had given up by then!!

I never had GP as mine were all dead before I was born so I really wanted my DCs to have the loving relationship that I always feel I missed out on. sad My parents are brill though!! smile

prettyfly1 Wed 29-Jul-09 10:21:07

whoever said inlaws are the spawn of satan has it right. My sons grandmother doesnt just treat the grandchildren differently to different families - she deliberately and repeatedly favours my exes other son over mine - even going as far as o ignore exes request not to do it and phoning the boys mother to ask to have him for a week through the summer and completely ignoring my son who adores her. She asked to take the other boy to a theme park at a weekend when he was staying with us also ignoring mine and even forgot my ds birthday. She really is a gem. Last week for the scan of my new baby she informed us she was disappointed as it was another boy and she wanted a girl. I just follow this mantra. DETACH, DETACH DETACH. I cant be bothered with her and just wont allow myself to get angry over it any more.

Itsnotalwaysstraightforward Wed 29-Jul-09 10:39:09

.

GoldenSnitch Wed 29-Jul-09 12:38:50

When we announced I was pregnant was DS, MIL said "Oh but I'm not ready for number 6" (GC5 was 6 months old) and this time we got a half-hearted "congratulations" closely followed by "Terrible timing though" (DC2 is due at christmas). I'm betting my SIL's got a better reaction.

Also, the house is coated in pics of the other 5 and both SIL's weddings whereas DS and our wedding hardly feature - apparently because we haven't had enough "proper" (read, professional and expensive) pics of DS done.

Need to stop reading this thread. I started off feeling OK with my in-laws and I keep getting madder and madder as I realise how different things are just cause he's thier son's child not thier daughters...

<<<mental note never to do this to my DS>>>

PM73 Wed 29-Jul-09 13:07:11

{{Virtual hugs}} to GoldenSnitch, i too have made a vow never to treat my ds like they are treating their ds & gs.

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