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to say to family, if you dont visit us then we will stop visiting you?

(55 Posts)
cheekster Wed 29-Jul-09 00:57:11

I know, it sounds so petty doesnt it!

But Im just totally hacked off with family and many of our friends too just expecting us to go visit them! And if we dont we get the usual phone call of - when are you coming to visit us?

I wouldnt mind but the family in mind dont have children and have to work round the usual nap/feed/bed time. DS is almost 1 and I still find it a bind to pack up a bag for him evertime! It would just be nice if others made an effort to visit us once in a while.

Well today, the inlaws comments were the straw that broke the camels back! They commented that they hadnt seen us in a while (a week BTW). So I explained they are very welcome to come and visit us, they dont have to wait for us to come to see them. And the comment was
'Id rather not go out in the bad weather'

I bit my tongue, but I dont know how! I wouldnt mind but neither of them work either like me and DH do. FIL drives, I dont see the issue!

So yes I know I prob Am BU but you see my point dont you?

FAQtothefuture Wed 29-Jul-09 01:01:11

I think YABU

but I'm somewhat biased as I've currently got my FIL staying here - only the 2nd time I've seen him in nearly 10yrs, possibly the only time he'll see DS3, and only 2nd time of meeting DS1 and 2.

I'd go and visit him a 100 times over (if cost weren't such an issue) just to see him/my DS's developing a relationship.

raffyandted Wed 29-Jul-09 01:03:56

Oh no, YANBU. Can't stand people who expect you to go to them all the time & can't be bothered to come to you once in a while.

FAQtothefuture Wed 29-Jul-09 01:07:55

<<<<<decides to avoid the whole "at least they're interested" line of things>>>>>>>>> smile

Boys2mam Wed 29-Jul-09 06:44:01

I have asked this question re my DP's mum, she never ever comes to us and would never see our DS (11 mths) if we didn't go to her.


nooka Wed 29-Jul-09 06:57:35

I can see that this is irritating, but the trouble is that if you adopt a quid pro quo approach then it is quite possible to lose your relationship completely. dh is like this about his family. The outcome is that they rarely even talk to each other, let alone visit (and there is a fair bit of mutual resentment about this). I on the other hand ring my family regularly because I enjoy talking to them (we live in a different country now, so th ephone is a bit of a lifeline!). I don't really care that I usually initiate the call, so long as they seem pleased to hear my voice grin

lizmcfizz Wed 29-Jul-09 07:37:26

just tell them how you feel Why is it ok for you to come out in the bad weather?!

ErnestTheBavarian Wed 29-Jul-09 07:54:43

but if you're driving, you're not exactly out in the bad weather are you? (puzzled)

for me tbh, I'd rather do the visiting, then you can leave when you like rather than waiting for guests to get the hint and sling their hooks.

OP, I'd say you have 2 options
1. get over your annoyance and accept their foibles.
2. get your dh to directly say tot hem, no you come to us this time.

Fayrazzled Wed 29-Jul-09 07:59:24

YANBU, but I do feel you lost an opportunity to tell them how you feel. You should have responded to the comment about the bad weather by telling them (politely of course) that it works both ways and isn't much fun for you to take the children out in bad weather either. There's not point seething about something if you haven't told the people concerned what the issue is- they may have no idea. Perhaps they think you prefer to visit them?

Are your ILs nervous drivers? My FIL is now (at 70, he has some health issues and TBH I don't think he should be on the road now)and my MIL doesn't drive. As a result, the lion's share of the visiting falls to us.

lizziemun Wed 29-Jul-09 08:02:21


We rarely see inlaws because of this. They expect us to go to them all the time. And it doesn't matter how often we ask them to come over (Including SIL) there is always a reason as to why they can't.

Apparanty it easier for us (me,DH, DD1 5.6yrs, DD2 22mths and DS 18wks) to go to them although SIL children are 7 and 10.

Confuzzeled Wed 29-Jul-09 08:06:28


I have the same problem, not just with relatives but with friends too.

My IL's cannot physically come visit us and I know they resent the fact that my Dad can but we still spend time with him when we go up to visit. I have lived in the city for 10 years and my Dad has been to visit 3 times. He gets a special deal on the train for £15 because he's over 60 and he has a car he loves driving. I hate driving and the train costs me £40 but he expects me to travel.

I moved across the city last year and my friends expect me to drive over there and see them all the time. Even when I didn't have a car they expected me to get the bus and they don't see why they should. Now I'm heavily pregnant and not seen them in weeks because I'm finding it hard to drive and can't manage the bus at all.

It's sad that people have expectations of you in this way, but if you carry on nothing will change.

piscesmoon Wed 29-Jul-09 08:18:50

I wouldn't make a big thing of it-just as you go say breezily 'it's your turn to visit us-give a ring when you want to come'. Then leave it and when they eventually phone to see where you are act surprised and say 'it is your turn-would next xxxx be OK to come to us?'
If it doesn't get you anywhere, you probably just have to accept that is the way things are.
I think that you will find that as your DC gets mobile, or you have more than one, that they change their mind and find it easier to come to you than have to keep protecting TV buttons, keep crumbs off the floor etc!!

Tillyscoutsmum Wed 29-Jul-09 08:22:34

YANBU - my mother is exactly the same. We have been in our house over 3 years and I reckon she's visited less than 5 times. Her excuse ? Its quite a long drive .... Well - its approx 12 miles and 40 mins away and believe it or not, its exactly the same distance for us to get to them hmm

Blardy annoying

pleasechange Wed 29-Jul-09 08:24:56

YANBU - but I do agree with Ernest's point that at least it is easier to leave when you want when you're the ones visiting. My MIL/BIL never know when to leave - even me starting to tidy up and getting DS to bed doesn't move them

ErnestTheBavarian Wed 29-Jul-09 08:26:18

some people are just like that though.

my mum prefers we visit her - ie me drive 12 hours or so with a 13 month old, 5,8 & 9 year old, 12 or 13 hours across europe, make the channel crossing, then a further 3 or 4 hours down to dorset, my aunty expecty me to drive up to calais then drive the 5 or so hours up to great yarmouth.

My mum's a short drive from Bournmouth airport, about 2 hours from Gatwick. She could hop on a flight any time she wanted. But apparently me driving with 3 children and a baby halfway across europe on my own is more convenient. Needless to say, we don't see each other too much, and I haven't seen my aunty for years. She doesn't understand I can't and won't do that journey. She keeps repeating the invite, but won't make the effort to come to us. (she will drive all the way down to spain, so long journey aren't a problem for her)

so you either dig your heels in and risk not seeing them, or you accept it and get on wth it, and look at the positives in being the guest. Packing a bag for a 1 year old isn't that complcated is it? (I have a 13month old, and can't think I actually pack a bag - have a couple of nappies and wiped permanently in my bag. what is there to pack for a few hours visit?

LoveBeingAMummy Wed 29-Jul-09 08:32:01

Its an age thing I think and then for some its just the expectation thats been set.

I can remember being taken to visit grandparents and they very rarely came to my parents house.

Even now when my parents live 3 mins walk around the corner my mum will call and say we haven't seen GD are you going to bring her round today, when I've said yes, will thn say well i said to your dad that if you didn't come round we'd have to come round to you but said almost like a threat!?!

LoveBeingAMummy Wed 29-Jul-09 08:32:49

PS totally agree re the leave when you want thing, unless your parent are like my mum who will delibratly start doing something else as soon as you say time we got going sad

WoTmania Wed 29-Jul-09 08:35:40

Well, I think YANBU, I can certainly see your point but We always go see my family (bigger house, bigger garden, my granparents also live next door). This works for me as my mother judges my housework and has brought round cleaning stuff in the past angry (my house by the way is not a complete tip just not quite attaining her standards of bland cold tidy cleanliness)
Also, I get made cups of tea when I go to their houses .

plimple Wed 29-Jul-09 08:41:34

Some people need a proper invite e.g. can you make it for Sunday lunch? Try that approach.
Also if you are the visitor don't you get to take it a bit easier?
Personally I love visiting my DPs family as they cook for me, play with DD and I can watch tv and read magazines!
I visit my family far more than they visit me as they live 5 hours drive away. I see it as a holiday so don't really mind.

fartmeistergeneral Wed 29-Jul-09 08:47:48

If I didn't drive one hour to see my family I would never see them again. In the 13 years since I moved (one measly hour!) away from my family they have never ONCE said 'when can we see you' it's always me making arrangements. My sister has never once asked me to her house, couldn't even tell you where it is. I always ask them here or go to my folks and see her there. I just accept it. It's weird but then so are they. I'm kinda glad I live here and don't have to deal with it on a day to day basis, although I do make the effort to go through once a week, sometimes once a fortnight.

pleasechange Wed 29-Jul-09 08:52:18

ernest when visiting my MIL we have to pack the highchair as my MIL who is loaded can't be bothered to buy a booster seat although she wants us to visit all the time. It's a complete PITA

ilovemydogandmrobama Wed 29-Jul-09 08:56:38

Sympathies. Think it may be a generation thing. My mom is happy enough to come to us (from California) but always remember going to older relative's houses as a child, and asking why they never came to us, and was told, 'that's just how it works...' hmm hmm

The advantage of visiting others is that you can just pick up and go, whereas if they came to you, especially if they are older, then they may expect to stay overnight shock and then there's always having to cook etc.

Much better to visit. smile

lizziemun Wed 29-Jul-09 08:57:58


I've tried the would like to come sunday lunch (giving then a months notice) still no.

I think what pisses me off anoyes me the most is they can visit both SIL and BIL when on holiday. SIL has an apartment in Spain and goes for 3wks each summer and They will drive over and BIL lives in Germany and they will go there, but can't drive the 10miles to us once in a blue moon.

ErnestTheBavarian Wed 29-Jul-09 09:00:52

but if you go somewhere "all he time" why not leave spares already there, buying them yourself if they won't? I only go to pil say 2x per year, but there we have a travel cot, high chair, baby cups & cutlery & nappies. all the essentials. Genuine? It's not so hard is it? at least it shouldn't be. if you're only there for a day, a few nappies and a travel booster seat, kept in car if she can't find a little bit of space on a shelf. not soemthing to get stressed about imo

FAQtothefuture Wed 29-Jul-09 09:05:51

or why not buy a booster seat to take with you? You don't need to pack up the whole highchair!

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