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I am confused

(14 Posts)
Sheena01 Tue 28-Jul-09 20:19:31

Hi posted in the relationship topics but got no responses
This is my thread...

I like to be lovey dovey with my DH and show him my feelings.
I've recently been getting over PND and found that with my new found happiness i felt like i was falling in love with him again. we've been togateher for 11 years (married 9 years this sept).
I therefore started expressing my love towards him. However he one day made it clear that he was uncomfortable with my comments of affection and i think he feels comfortable if i didn't say soppy stuff.
I said that it was fine but the truth is i'm hurt. I've totally stopped saying anything nice now to thew point i don't even want to say i love you.
we discussed again a few days ago and he said he feels uncomfortable because it sometimes sound like i don't mean the things!
He did say that he still would like cuddles though but i can't bring myself to do this. I feel rejected and so lonely now.

Am i being too sensitive? Should i respect his feelings more.
I'm surprised at how hard i am taking this and cry whenever i think about it.

K999 Tue 28-Jul-09 20:22:51

Has DH ever been soppy with you?? Before the PND?

ABetaDad Tue 28-Jul-09 20:23:27

I think he is not happy with you saying I love you but then you will not touch him. In the same situation, I would thnk you did not mean it.

Why will you not touch him?

scottishmummy Tue 28-Jul-09 20:26:31

is this out of character,is he usually demonstrative.

maybe he too suffered or felt scared and isolated when you had PND. after all a partner with depression is akin berevement.they have lost the woman they know in a dark depression

couples therapy may help,or glass of wine and ask him how this has been for him

hope this resolves ok

theyoungvisiter Tue 28-Jul-09 20:31:08

It sounds like he is just not very good at dealing with verbal displays of affection.

I have to say, I love my partner very very dearly, but if he started enumerating my wonderfulness over dinner I would be a bit taken aback too. I am naturally quite a reserved person and although I feel things for him very deeply, I would probably feel uncomfortable with "lovey dovey" comments, to use your phrase.

I would try not to be hurt by this - nothing about what you've said indicates (to me at least) that your DH is rejecting you - he just sounds a bit reserved and a bit tactless. Also I think you have to appreciate that while you have obviously gone through a sea-change recently, he is probably just bumbling along in the same old groove and a bit confused as to why everything's suddenly changed.

Enjoy the cuddles, and tell him that you love him smile

theyoungvisiter Tue 28-Jul-09 20:33:34

abetadad - I think from what the OP has said, it is only since her DH said he felt uncomfortable that Sheena has been reluctant to touch him.

Apols if I have read this wrong though.

Elliemama Tue 28-Jul-09 20:39:37

Ah bless you!!! YANBU and I don't think there's such a thing as being too sensitive! (had that one thrown at me quite a few times TBH)
Are you feeling upset and hurt because after everything you've been through you want to feel reassured that he still loves you and feels connected to you? I think that your feelings are perfectly resonable with regard to this.
However do you think that maybe he's a little confused or thrown by the fact that now you're better you're acting differently towards him. Even tho this is a positive mood change for you maybe it feels weird to your husband and he might find it hard to trust this is the real you again. Maybe also he has some hurt feelings from when you were ill!!
(I feel very sorry for my husband sometimes, I know he finds it hard dealing with my different moods... God sometimes I think blokes have to put up with so much emotional stuff from us its hardly surprising they get a little confused sometimes!) wink
Maybe you just need to give him a little time to adjust to the new you.
Try to chill out about it and enjoy the cuddles he does want and maybe chat to him some more about it if the opportunity arises.
You have beaten PND! And that takes a lot of strength and courage. This must be hard to accept when you must feel like you have only just got your life back but I am sure things will all fall back into place quicker than you think! Good luck and take care x smile

pamelat Tue 28-Jul-09 20:41:40

It does not sound like you are being unreasonable. However, you say your partner thinks that you sound insincere (or maybe not like "yourself"???) what sort of things have you said, can you see how they may have been interpreted like that?

ps) glad you are feeling happier anyway.

Sheena01 Tue 28-Jul-09 21:15:28

Ahh Thank you for all your comments. i have a lot there to think about.
He has always been slightly iggy about emotional comments, for example i would say how gorgeous he is to me( he feels overweight and unattractive). Or I would let him know how much i appreciate and love him.
It is only since he made the statement that i felt i needed to stop everything ie the cuddles as i am confued as to what he is comfortable with. After a couple of weeks of this he did ask for a cuddle and said that he has never refused cuddles- it's just the words he finds hard to believe.

He probably only truly says what he feels in greeting cards and finds it hard to express his love verbally.

He does seem like the odd cuddle.

Part of me thinks he is being selfish and wants it all on his terms.

He is away at the moment and so i think i do need to talk to him when he gets back (easier said then done as I find it very hard to open up to my own hurt emotions IYSWIM)

PS I too do feel sorry for him for having to handle all my mood swings!

ABetaDad Tue 28-Jul-09 21:37:15

Sheena01 - much apologies. I clearly misread your post. blush

For a long time, I certainly felt more comfortable expressing my love to DW in writing than saying it and also felt uncomfortable with her being very expressive. I am not a verbal person as discussed on another thread today.

Maybe he does nice things for you and expresses his love that way? when he has had a few drinks does he express his true feelings?

I think you both need to have a long talk and get all the issues in the open. It sounds like you have been through a rough time with PND and that has surely put a strain on your relationship.

theyoungvisiter Tue 28-Jul-09 22:29:38

re wanting it all on his terms - this is a tough one. I can TOTALLY see your point of view but the trouble is, if he's not comfortable with verbal displays of affection then he's not comfortable with it - he can't change that part of his essential nature.

I'm not sure what the alternative is, would you prefer that he sits through them inwardly cringing but putting on a brave face? I doubt that would be better from your POV.

Can you find a means of expressing your affection that you are both comfortable with - perhaps a small romantic gesture like a note or flowers once a week? Or saying affectionate things but in a less "soppy" way? (to use your description)? Since I'm not sure what you've been saying it's hard to quantify that though!

Good luck, if you have beaten PND I am sure you can sort this smile

Sheena01 Tue 28-Jul-09 22:35:34

Thank you again

ABetaDad - It's good to hear from a male perspective. Thank you. DH isn't a drinker! That's half the problem! I'd love to see him open up and be honest after a few! (sad but true)

theyoungvisiter - i like how you have thought of alternatives. I guess being in the situation i haven't been able to think objectively - thank you too.

Sheena01 Tue 28-Jul-09 22:40:53

Elliemama - just read through your post again - very insightful and again great suggestions. Are you a counsellor by any chance or work in that kind of field? thank you

Elliemama Wed 29-Jul-09 14:55:27

Sheena01 - No I just really related to your post because I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since my baby was born and it has had a massive effect on my relatinship too. I'm glad that you posted and it seems to me that you do feel happier about your situation now. It also strangely helped me to feel more positive for myself too. Thank you!! Good luck []

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