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To be at the end of my tether with Ds and on occasion to be embarrassed for him (long sorry)

(44 Posts)
Notalone Tue 28-Jul-09 16:07:06

DS is 8 and lately and I am finding him more and more infuriating. He talks incessantly which would be fine if everything he said made sense but he asks questions he already knows the answer to, talks constantly about computer games when he knows that not everyone had played these games or has any interest in them and often talks without having anything planned to say. For example a lot of his conversations start with "What if erm erm how about erm could I erm and erm well..." until he thinks of something to say. He has admitted he often makes up conversations as he goes along and asks silly questions because he likes to talk / likes attention.

He interrupts conversations constantly and I can never have a conversation with anyone without him butting in every minute or so. Most people are understanding and I always tell him to wait but he keeps doing it. If I bump into someone I know but he doesn't eg old work colleagues, he will still interrupt to ask them ridiculous questions like "Why is your hair red?" etc etc. He bombards them with talk when often it is obvious they are only after a quick conversation.

He NEVER listens and it has got so bad that I have been called into school to see his teacher twice about this. When people ask him a question he often ignores it because he is so intent on talking about things that he wants to talk about or just says "Yep" quickly before going back to HIS chosen topic of conversation

I am relatively new to where I live and a few months ago I met a new group of friends. Before I met them I was very lonely and I have been so much happier since I met them. Yesterday Ds and I went round to one of these friends houses and for no reason DS interrupts our conversation to say that I had been saying I was fed up with another of our mutual friends. The woman in question is probably the nicest out of all of them and I know 110% that I have never said anything of the sort. I got a stilted reply from the friend I was with and I am now terrified this is going to affect my friendship with this group of women. No matter how much I protest in the future that this was not said by me, they are probably not going to believe me and I do not want to be the lonely person I was last year. This is the final straw for me and I am seething at DS. He has lied for no reason other than to get a minute of attention yet this could affect me in a big way. I feel like screaming at him and I hate feeling like this.

Ds is an only child and I have always tried to give him the childhood I never had. I spend a lot of time with him, we have our special saturdays where we always do something nice together just me and him and I always encourage him to have friends over so he is not lonely. I have talked and talked with him about how he should talk about things that others are interested in too, how it is rude to interrupt and how he should think about what he is going to say before he says it. I have spent hours discussing how important listening skills are but he does not take a blind bit of notice. I often see him when he goes into school or comes out of school with the other kids and I can see that many of them are exasperated with him which makes my heart break for him. He is a lovely child at heart but he is not doing himself any favours and does not seem to realise the damage he is doing to himself and others around him.

Any ideas because yesterday I don't think I have ever been as mad at him as I was then sad

VelvetPlum Tue 28-Jul-09 16:18:20

Oh dear, I really feel for you.
What does he say when you have explained about common ground and listening?
What do you say to him when it happens - for instance when he interrupts or yesterday with your friend?

VelvetPlum Tue 28-Jul-09 16:21:12

...meant to add that I dont think this sounds totallyout of the ordinary for kids this sort of age, maybe a little bit more pronounced but nothing totally weird.

Notalone Tue 28-Jul-09 16:26:33

Thanks Velvetplum - he says all the right things when we discuss his behaviour. I have used an example about me talking about new shoes all the time and how boring he would find this, have said that it is so much nicer when both people are interested in a conversation and when he interrupts I always tell him to wait until I have finished. He agrees with me at the time but then an hour later he is back to behaving exactly the same way. I have tried punishing him for being rude, explaining how it could affect him in the future if he carries on and tried to get him to see it from other peoples perspectives but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I am really hoping that A? This is normal behaviour and B) He will grow out of it....soon!

Vulgar Tue 28-Jul-09 16:30:50

I can see a lot of what you are saying in my own DS.

Sometimes I think he likes to contribute something to an adult conversation just for the hell of it. Sometimes it is complete garbage.

what really infuriates me is when I am trying to get a sequence of events out of him, it is almost impossible to get something to make sense.

You are not alone!

I really feel for you about the stuff he said about your friend. Can't really offer any insight to why he would say this but I'm sure he didn't mean to be hurtful.

randomtask Tue 28-Jul-09 16:43:02

My DSS is 8 and an only child too. If he starts talking to us with lots of 'erm's we tell him to stop talking, think about it then start again. A lot of the time he decides it wasn't important. If he talks rubbish, we ask him if he's talking rubbish. It's probably a bit direct (and slightly impatient) of us but, it has made the conversations we have so much nicer and they have more sense. He is quite lazy so often asks us things he knows the answer to so he doesn't have to think. We tell him that he knows that and refuse to answer til he's made a good 'guess'. He nearly always admits he knows the answer. If he interrupts us when we're talking to other people (or each other) we saying 'wait'. If he does it again, he gets told off for being rude and made to wait longer.

One thing I use is a jar with pieces of pasta in it. He gets them for good behaviour and they're taken away for bad behaviour. In our case, lack of manners gets them taken away but good manners doesn't win them as he should have good manners. He can gain them by being helpful and sometimes after a week of constant sniffing during mealtimes gets one for blowing his nose without being reminded! You could start using it to congratulate him when he's been good (and polite), take pieces away if he's rude or doesn't listen to what you say.

I'd also say, explain things simply. DH used to explain things in such detail that DSS switched off whereas I was a simple 'No' with tiny explanation person. We've now met in the middle and it makes the difference.

Can he play on his own? If he gets that much attention from you, it may be that he doesn't know what to do on his own. In which case, a little managed neglect might work.

Good luck and I feel your pain. A year ago DSS drove me mad and made me very tired. Now (with a little hard work and stubborness on our part) he's a joy to be with and his friendships have improved too.

Mumcentreplus Tue 28-Jul-09 16:49:21

So sorry to hear your troubles with DS..My DD has some of those traits...well the incessant talking..asking silly questions and questions she already knows the answer to angryhmm...at school she is fine and has many friends but she can be a bit of a chatter-box.. she's 7
I've had to remind her a few times about her interruptions and behaviour and she has improved..children can be very self absorbed and you are doing the correct thing by helping him to know how to have conversation with others I know it's difficult but keep doing what you are doing..he just sounds more intense..

sleeplessinstretford Tue 28-Jul-09 17:02:59

i have an almost two year old who i imagine will be similar, it's like carrying marcus bentley (the big brother narrator around with me) 'clara is in her pram-mummy is pushing the pram-mummy is pushing clara in the pram' 'what's that sound? it's a siren? it's a police car?' ad infinitum mealtimes are a blow by blow account of every mouthful.
i think she's maybe had too much attention-and i think i am going to have to stamp on it before it gets anyworse-my head aches with the minutiae of things she wants to discuss with me...

Notalone Tue 28-Jul-09 17:11:52

Well it sounds like I am not on my own with this then. It seems like most people I know have children who know how to be quiet and when they do talk, most if it seems to be relevant. DS on the other hand is off the scale sadly.

Randomtask - we do lots of the same things you do. We sound very similar actually. We used to do a star chart for behaviour and at the time he seemed to improve, so maybe we need to start this up again.

I am still very very cross over what he said to my friend. I just hope they don't take it too seriously. I told Ds that I hadn't said it but didn't make a big deal of it. There was probably no point sad

randomtask Tue 28-Jul-09 17:21:57

I'd explain that it made Mummy feel sad that DS could/would lie and also that it might make your friend sad if she thinks you don't like them. I'd also tell him it made you embarrassed of him and that you like to be proud of him.

Our pasta jar sometimes moves to the back burner but gets used again when things get worse. Do use it, if nothing else, I like the fact I just say 'take a piece of pasta out' instead of doing a long lecture. It helps my blood pressure!

glastocat Tue 28-Jul-09 17:27:22

I thought when reading this you had kidnapped my boy! He is another 8 year old one and only. In our house interruptions are not tolerated,and when he starts to witter on he is told to stop and think about what he is saying. He doesn't do it in school though thank god, and he is getting better. We do spoil all our good work by laughing though when he is babbling on and forgets what he is even talking about.

ABitBatty Tue 28-Jul-09 17:36:51

My 7.5yr old DS is just like this too. The interrupting drives us all wild and at parents evening his teacher said he is 'bordering on rude' but she had a soft spot for him and IMO let him get away with too much!
Watching this thread with interest smile

smallblessings Tue 28-Jul-09 17:40:21

Sorry that you are having problems.sad My DDs - 7 and 4 interupt alot. At one point I was getting really upset by this as I felt I could'nt have conversations with other adults. TBH I have resigned myself to the fact that if I want uninterrupted adult conversations then I need to meet friends without the DC. I feel happier about it this way. smile

MorrisZapp Tue 28-Jul-09 17:43:15

My neice does this, has done all her life. She'll say 'did you know that...' whilst looking round frantically for inspiration for some nonsense to tell you.

I always say, come back when you know what it is you want to say. But I'm only an auntie, god knows how my sister copes with her.

I'm sure this trait is pretty common in kids that age.

ScummyMummy Tue 28-Jul-09 17:50:12

I would have gone absolutely ballistic with him re what he said to your friend. Wouldn't have been able to help myself. That's going well beyond inane chat that bores people into being extremely rude and totally embarrassing you. You poor poor thing. Does he know how gutted you were with that behaviour? I think you need to let him know. It does make a difference when they know that you are truly ashamed of them, ime. It sounds like you are protecting him from your anger and sadness a bit too much to me- he needs to see that he screwed up bigtime and you are really upset.

TheCrackFox Tue 28-Jul-09 17:57:01

Erm this sounds spookily like my DS1 - also 8. He talks none stop and seems to be under the impression that everyone is deaf. He even talks in his sleep. grin

Notalone have you checked your immediate family for chatterbox tendencies? DS1 is just like my brother. My brother is now 40 and still talks none stop, mainly aload of rubbish too. grin.

roneef Tue 28-Jul-09 17:57:13

He obviously messed up in this instance. As long as you come down on him hard and maybe ask him to put himself in your shoes, he will learn.

My ds1 has always done this. I feel bad saying it but sometimes he talks utter shit - for the sake of it.

It was a lot worse a few years ago, he's 9 now. I think it's a phase but your situation feels worse because he's an only.

Honestly if you keep gently but firmly reminding him it WILL sink.

Cistus Tue 28-Jul-09 18:06:25

my ds does this, he is 10 and has aspergers. He doesn't really understand the effect his behaviour has on other people. Does your ds have any as traits?

ScummyMummy Tue 28-Jul-09 18:13:46

I think 7-12 year old boys who don't talk utter shit, at least on occasion, are unusual, tbh! My 10 year old twins can bore for Britain on their day. And in a way I quite like that they have the confidence and nerve to believe that they are so very funny and interesting and that everyone will want to hear what they have to say, though there are limits. But I think what Notalone's son said to her friend was rather different- really rude and just utterly mortifying for Notalone. I would have wanted the floor to swallow me up. And I would have certainly ensured that a child of mine who said that faced 7 barrels of shit as soon as the friend was out of the way.

TheCrackFox Tue 28-Jul-09 18:16:47

I agree, he was out of order on that occaision
and should be given a massive bollocking.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jul-09 18:25:28

my ds is nine and just like this

he is incredibly tactless and for just a minute of attention, he will drop me in the shit about something I said 3 weeks ago!

I keep hoping it is a phase that passes, 'cos I may kill him first !

It is almost like a second toddlerhood, the constant noise and interrupting

the thing is, you can punish them for some huge social faux-pas that they know damn well was out of order, but they don't seem to be able to help themselves angry

FranSanDisco Tue 28-Jul-09 18:30:24

I have an almost 7 yo ds with the verbal shites. It is exasperating. If I try to explain mummy and daddy are talking he insists what he has to say is as important angry. We ignore him and gag him with our hands but he still gets a word in. He is known throughout the land grin. Sadly MIL is also genetically programmed to talking mince without breath sad so I have no hope of getting ds to change.

Notalone Tue 28-Jul-09 19:55:30

Thank you for all your lovely replies and reassurances. When I got home I reprimanded him severely and said that he had made me look bad in front of my friend and that he had totally embarrassed me. I then beat myself up over this because I convinced myself he would grow up with a complex about being an embarrassment. My parents were often unecessarily cruel to me (one example of this is that I used to be quite excitable as a child and would often get the runs when I was particularly excited about something. My mother told me that if I carried on I would die of bowel cancer like my poor aunt did) and I have been determined not to be the same with my DS. However as DP pointed out I do need to be more firm with him and reprimand him more. We were supposed to be going to see Harry Potter tomorrow but the trip has now been cancelled until he can prove he can behave. Ds was shocked that I am doing this but he needs to know what he did was totally unacceptable.

I seem to remember being a very talkative child myself so as suggested, there may well be a genetic link blush

mamas12 Wed 29-Jul-09 00:02:46

Gosh all of you are talking about boys under 10.
My dd is like this and she is 14 nearly 15!
She can talk utter drivel still and bore the bloody pants off me. A constant stream of consiousness just spills out of her. It's like a running commentary on her life.
I still don't know why. I did think at one point it was because I was learning welsh when she was born and 'used' it on her by doing a running commentary on what I was doing for practice, but as as been noted my mil is exactly the same and she is 80 and still like it oh help!

mamas12 Wed 29-Jul-09 00:04:06

Sorry, also wanted to say you are doing the right thing by cancelling the pictures as he does need to learn consequences and as you've already noted, it has made him think hasn't it.

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