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aibu to think dh isn't holding up his side of the bargin.

(18 Posts)
nagette Mon 27-Jul-09 13:23:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyanimal Mon 27-Jul-09 13:24:56

What do you think he should be doing?

TheProfiteroleThief Mon 27-Jul-09 13:27:30

I think you need to talk. He is taking action which is good, but being behind on mortgage payments would worry me a lot.

It may well be some male pride at being provider stuff.

We lived for a year without income as dh was in similar position and I found it very hard. I was more willing for him to let go of business than he was - he of course had spent years building it up.

Hassled Mon 27-Jul-09 13:29:36

Your DH isn't holding up his side of the bargain because he's not able to. Yes, he may have made some mistakes and not kept his eye on the ball along the way, but very few people could have predicted the extent of the recession. Many economists failed to predict it all.

So stop blaming him. Blame the economy, blame the banks, blame who you like, but this doesn't seem to be a mess of his making. You're all going to have to adjust and adapt, and it is hard, but you're far from alone.

I'm sorry if this sounds very harsh - I am genuinely sympathetic. I do hope things improve.

LuluMaman Mon 27-Jul-09 13:29:56

he can;t ignore the fact you are 4 months in arrears.

has he or you communicated with the lenders?

thing is you both have to adapt at the moment and making him feel like he is letting you dwon and not keeping to his side of the bargain is unfair. he has not chosen to be hit by fincancial difficulty.

however he is choosing not to discuss it

you need to make a time , child free, to talk and find a way forward before you get hit by repossession proceedings

quirkychick Mon 27-Jul-09 13:33:24

Could you take a mortgage holiday or is it too late as you are in arrears? It might be worth negotiating something with your mortgage company to at least take the pressure off a bit.

I hope you manage to talk to him and reassure him of how you feel so that you can sort this out together.

LIZS Mon 27-Jul-09 13:34:44

What do you perceive his side to be ? To keep a roof over your heads, pay the bills ? You need to address the arrears for mortgage asap and to prioritise bills such as council tax as those won't wait indefinitely. It sounds like you are both burying your heads in the sand, him by insisting it will come good and you by saying it isn't your role to deal with finances but it is a joint responsibilty. Make an appointment for you both to go to CAB, you need to speak to the lender and make a realistic financial plan you can both work towards.

cocobongo Mon 27-Jul-09 13:35:19

I think you need to have a long look at your finances and allocate the money you have in the best way you can. You should try to address the mortgage arrears first and see if there are other bills that can slip, as the bank will be within rights to repossess your house. Eg have you got personal loans or credit card debts? If so, then these should come second to your mortgage. As another poster has said, make sure you are talking to your bank so that they understand that you are trying to make payments- they might agree to pament holidays or reduced payments for a while.

Finally, if your DH's income is down, could you take on more work temporarily to boost your joint income? As you said, it is a partnership, so you both need to pull together.

LuluMaman Mon 27-Jul-09 13:36:31

also, you need to ensure your council tax is paid as you can get in serious trouble for not paying it

circumstances change and you both have to adapt

Frasersmum123 Mon 27-Jul-09 13:49:03

YABU - I am in a very similar situation to you but I dont see it as my husbands 'fault' we are in this position, it doesnt do anyone any good to apportion blame - you need to sit down together and work out how you are going to get out of this together

missingtheaction Mon 27-Jul-09 13:59:42

I suspect there are two different things going on here.

First, he's not generating the £ any more. YABU to resent this (although it's not surprising you do), it really isn't his fault. Even people who were very cautious have been caught out by the recession.

Second, he's not working with you as a partner to manage this phase. Here IMO YANBU - it is unreasonable of him not to acknowledge your worries and unreasonable not to have a realistic plan that you share. There may be some Mars-caveman Venus-sharing circle stuff going on here that is worth addressing but you are in this together and it's threatening your relationship and it's something relatively easily fixed.

scottishmummy Mon 27-Jul-09 14:14:50

he has provided for you and family well,now economy gone tits up you blame him?you feel let down?

this is a global economic crisis,not a slack husband who couldnt be arsed providing for you.

where was your eye on the ball?this isnt solely his "fault"

you need to get on top of debt management ,contact a debt advisory service. be cohesive and act like a team.support him. dont be avoidant about money.contact all debtors

smashing he makes your heart melt,maintain that positive feeling

your resentment might be fear of drop in standard of living,quality of life.thats understandable BUT now is time to pull together

anniemac Mon 27-Jul-09 14:30:35

Message withdrawn

wolfnipplechips Mon 27-Jul-09 14:32:51

yabu, would it be possible for you to swap roles for a little while and go out to work? Its not his fault and perhaps he is depressed about the whole thing.

lou031205 Mon 27-Jul-09 16:31:08

If profits are only down 25%, why are you behind on all of your mortgage and some bills? What is taking priority over your mortgage?

I don't think you can say he isn't holding up his side of the bargain. He is still doing what he did before, it just isn't as lucrative.

MrsGokWantsatidyhouse Mon 27-Jul-09 17:32:38

As has been posted you MUST pay your priority bills first, these are your mortgage, secured loans, council tax, food and then utilities and water. Credit cards and loans are not priority and yuo should get in touch with National Debtline NDL
CCCS
cccs
or the CAB
CAB

They will go through your financial situation with you and see what options you have.

hambler Mon 27-Jul-09 17:38:52

Have you cut back on your outgoings?
I take it the expensive holidays have taken a back seat?

Please talk to your husband and discuss how you can reduce your outgoings till the storm has passed.

MrsGokWantsastrapon Mon 27-Jul-09 20:03:42

Also get yourself on the Debt Free Wanabe board of MSE.

DFW

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