Snorbs - you're halfway there then if they understand why they don't see her when she drinks and that you want her to see them. I'd have a think about how you'd like to proceed then talk to the children and explain what you were thinking and why and what your ultimate aim is. I think open communication with the children and honesty and realism are important and that it's important you try and find a bright side or an excuse to talk about because then the children are less likely to think she's choosing drink because they lack something or that they can't talk to you about your ex - the reality is that she's choosing the drink because she is a weak person.
My ex has a drink problem but fortunately it is not anywhere near as bad as your ex's, his main problem is he's just lazy, selfish and uncommitted (and has had a terrible family background and the wrong kind of support and encouragement). We have found a way of accommodating this and making the best of it and now everything is good for him and our children.
We had a poor relationship, he drank and cheated, kept control of the money, disappeared for days on benders and abused me. Our second child was the result of a rape which, I think shocked him into leaving (although he didn't know I was pregnant when he went) - that and the main other girl he had on the go had a car to drive him to the pub, a good job to buy him beer and no kids to distract her.
He decided that he was going to pre-empt my rage by attacking me every way he could - he admitted this in mediation last year. I was just hurt and afraid and still loved him and had no wish to fight.
When he discovered I was pregnant he tried to force me to have an abortion (marched me down to the GP and insisted on coming in to to the appointment and asking for an abortion) but I wouldn't. This changed my mind about him - should have happened long before but he was so manipulative. I was happy my son would have a playmate, he just wanted his mistake to go away.
Many things followed: He spread lies, went out of his way to get his friends, family and girlfriend to intimidate me, stopped seeing his son and then took me to family court for access saying I had stopped contact. At this point our daughter had been born. The first date for family court was supposed to be the day after she was born but this was put back!
He registered her birth (she has his name) with me but then said he didn't want access to her because it was "physically impossible" for her to be his child. I think this was because he had been telling his girlfriend and family that we were not together, just sharing a house for the sake of our son, blah blah blah for a while before we split up and didn't want the lies exposed.
The CSA would not do a DNA test because he had not disputed paternity with them, he would not do a DNA test privately even if I paid for one and the court would not do a DNA test because the access case only had my son's name on it. I was fuming and insisted I would not allow access to my son unless he saw his daughter too, that he had no reason to believe that she was not his and that I had had no opportunity to have concieved her with anyone else because of the nature of our relationship.
Eventually the family court did a DNA test. This and the way he behaved in family court made him look a fool. The process was worrying though as the magistrate only tells you his feelings at the end. We had a series of contact arrangements, starting with supervised contact as he was under investigation by the police at the time, and although he managed to regularly come to the contact centre as soon as we moved forward into less supervised contact he just couldn't keep up with it. He always had some excuse about work not letting have time off.
My point was that since he only worked casually and changed his job every few weeks he should be working his job around the pre-existing contact arrangement.
Anyway, he eventually used the court to get me to let him have overnight stays which I was not happy about but then was unreliable over them - cancelling at the last minute, bringing them home befor they were due and then eventually refusing to have them overnight any more. My little boy had started potty training by this point and all the stress over this caused him to start having accidents and made him too afraid to try.
This was the final straw for me. I said 'either you stick to what you had arranged through the court or we will have to go to mediation (he had avoided this like the plague) to make a new arrangement before you can see them as I don't wish to be bullied into doing what you want when this is not necessarily best for the children.'
This was what finally sorted things out. When we went to mediation I held firm that he had let the children down too many times and he had to let me decide what was best for them. He finally accepted that the problem was that he didn't want the responsibility of being a father figure and could only cope with an informal arrangement.
This bout of mediation co-incided with me getting engaged and I explained to him that if he could only manage informal contact (like a grandparent) and my husband would be living with us it would be inevitable that the children would see him as the father figure and not their biological dad. I re-assured him that I would encourage a bond and love between the children and their father but realistically because they were so young (1 and 3) they would see my husband as their father if this is what he chose.
He apparently didn't hear all this and only heard "you can see the children as little or as much as you want" and chose not to meet me regularly to discuss how contact was going because he didn't think it was important. I had asked for this specifically because I was aware that he probably wouldn't have heard the implications of a more 'relaxed' arrangement and wanted to hammer the message home - I really didn't want to hoodwink him!
Anyway, things are fine now. The children live with my husband and I and see their dad for a couple of hours when he calls and asks. If we are busy then our family life takes priority and their dad has accepted his feelings and that this arrangement is really what he wants.
I have always spoken to the children about all the things. Even the bad things - obviously not in too much detail, and tried to always find something good to put with the bad. I kept my ex's pictures on the wall and talked about them every day when he was not seeing the children. It was easier because my children were very small but the line I have chosen is that they are lucky because they have two daddies, and to help them identify that adults have different types and levels of skill and sometimes can't/won't manage to do things that they should do.
I say that their sean daddy is very good at playing with them and having fun but that he can't manage to look after them for very long and that Mummy is very good at looking after them but is not very good at playing and having fun (which is true) and that their Neil daddy plays with them and looks after them nicely and we all love them very much. Then we talk about all the other people that love them and all the people that they love.
I'm sure they'll feel sad about their dad as they grow older and they would like to spend more time with him than they do but I have decided to leave this to their dad. I think you can't really go wrong with the truth and this is just the truth - sean can't manage to fulfill his responsibility but he is doing what he can. My son still remembers being let down so he understands better, I think everything will be fine as long as we all keep talking to each other and recognise the realities of what we can provide.