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AIBU - to ask friend about this sensitive issue?

(9 Posts)
cheekster Mon 27-Jul-09 00:42:29

A year or so ago my friend found out that her unborn baby had down syndome. She decided to terminate at about 19 weeks.

Well TBH, very little has been spoken about what happened. All I know, is that the baby was a girl. She never really went into any of the details. Which I totally understand and have never pressured her to speak about.

Well recently she has started to talk about it much more. I think partly because she is pg again and has found out that the baby is fine. But when she speaks, I think she assumes I know all the ins and outs of what happened.

For example the other day, she mentioned when she was in labour with the baby. I was totally shocked, I didnt realise that she had to give birth to the baby as she would if the baby had been well. I was so shocked I just kind of skirted around the topic. But really wanted to talk about it and ask her what she went through. Not to be nosey but to try to understand more of what she went through. There s no wonder she was in such a state.

So how do you think I should approach the subject. Has the moment passed? AIBU if I ask her about it. And did I hear right? Would she have had to give birth to the baby?

UndertheBoredwalk Mon 27-Jul-09 00:48:50

I don't think I'd ask tbh not now. Maybe at the time.
I'm kind of similar, when there's been something awful I clam up and don't want to talk, but then I feel I want to tell people about it but find it easier to drop little things in conversation ^as if they already knew^ kind of thing.
Is stupid I know, but I find it easier that way, maybe she's similar? She wants to let you know about it, but doesn't want a full on conversation?
Not 100% on the birth thing, but I think it sounds right at a late stage.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Mon 27-Jul-09 00:51:34

I'd probably just say that you are there for her if she needs someone to talk to about the loss of her child. If she wants to then she will.

SOLOisMeredithGrey Mon 27-Jul-09 01:02:19

Sad, very sad.

I believe that full labour has to take place in that situation.

giraffesCanRunA10k Mon 27-Jul-09 01:06:11

I had a "late miscarriage" not a TOP, but I believe in a TOP you take tablets to stop the babies heart beat and then labour is induced, it is horrific knowing you are giving birth to a still baby when all you can hear around you are women giving birth to crying babies.

SOLOisMeredithGrey Mon 27-Jul-09 01:08:30


Trixel Mon 27-Jul-09 01:10:56

We lost our middle boy at 21 weeks - it was found out that he had cystic hygroma, fluid basically on his lungs, heart, brain and wouldnt survive.
they gave me an oral tablet which stopped his heart, then an internal one, and that started labour. when i labour i have continuous contractions so it was a painful experience. not as painful as at 40 weeks, but pretty close and of course coloured with the anticipation of a totally different outcome.
i think your friend may well want to talk about it to be honest. people will have skirted round the subject, and i think her dropping that in to conversation was possibly a sign that she would like to discuss it a bit. you could ask her, but give her a get-out. i really think though, that she may now be at a stage where she wants to open up about it a bit more.
it sort of grounds it, to talk about it every now and again.
i'm glad she's pregnant again. she may now be feeling that she wants to let go of the pent-up painful memories and get them out there.

mel1981 Mon 27-Jul-09 01:11:16

I agree with the others. If she wants to talk she will and then if needs be ask questions.
I had a stillbirth (at 28 weeks) almost 4 years ago and unless your in a similar position or close to it you dont think what would happen and why should you TBH who would want to?
Its a very painful and personal thing for her and yes the fact that you do have to 'give birth' makes it all that more painful & traumatic, in my case I saw my baby boy that we were ttc for 2yrs, had already named and I couldnt take home and watch grow up. Its unbeleivably heartbreaking. Her situation is obviously different to mine so I cant say how she is feeling but im sure it wasnt any less painful than I went through.
Just be her friend, she will open up if she wants. Maybe just ask next time she brings it up if she minds you asking questions or if she would rather you just listen. One of my friends did and I appreciated that a lot more.
Also she might be unsure how you feel about it or whether you want to talk about it. Me & DH both worried about 'upsetting' other people by talking about our loss we were told that can be another natural grieving thing.

cheekster Mon 27-Jul-09 01:16:59

Thank you all so muchfor your fantastic advice.

sad that so many of you have been through such a painful time too, but have shared that to help me with this situation

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