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AIBU to not go on my friend's hen night because of potential exposure to swine flu?

(32 Posts)
kitsmummy Sun 26-Jul-09 19:50:26

Will try to keep this brief: My friend chose to go to Milan for her hen do which I (I'm a bridesmaid btw) and most of her friends couldn't afford to go on. Because of the poor turn out her friend has arranged a surprise hen do for this Friday. I was really pleased about this and have bought my 80's outfit in readiness for this Friday.

Now I've had a text saying my friend has swine flu and her clearance date is Tuesday, so she should be ok 3 days before the hen-do.

Now if this was all, I'd still go, but her future SIL (who sees my friend regularly) and her lodger will also be on the hen do. Her SIL's other half has had swine flu and obviously my friend's lodger lives with my friend so is exposed to it. I've looked at the NHS website and the incubation period is 2-5 days generally but could be up to 7 days, so they could both quite easily be carrying the virus without showing any symptoms yet.

I have a DS who is 5 and a DD who is 10 months. DD has also been really poorly this week with a virus. I'm 99% certain I'm not going to go now. I know that I, and/or my children could catch the virus from a stranger in the street, but I don't want to knowingly put myself in the situation of socialising with people who could very easily be carrying the virus, given I have children who are in the highest risk category. However, I do feel v guilty about my friend and feel that I'm now letting her down for a second time. Wwyd and AIBU to not go? thanks and sorry it wasn't brief!

pamelat Sun 26-Jul-09 19:53:21

If you are going to Milan anyway then maybe you can skip this Friday?

However if not going to Milan then go. You are a bridesmaid.

MovingOutOfBlighty Sun 26-Jul-09 19:53:34

Having had swine flu this week (and being a high risk group as well) I would say go.
It was not as bad as I thought it would be (although chest sounds mucky still) and think it is going to get most people in the end from what I understand. I really think it would be sad not to go to a hen!

Having said that I am sure there are many people who would disagree.

pamelat Sun 26-Jul-09 19:54:42

I would only avoid people with swine flu if I were pregnant. We are ttc.

I just think that if you are unsure (at all) then it maybe would not matter if you went this Friday if you are going on the big Milan trip.

Northernlurker Sun 26-Jul-09 19:55:59

Swine flu is a mild and extremely common virus. Go or don't go - you could still catch it tomorrow in Sainsburys. If you don't go you will be letting down your friend though - for certain. I would go.

ThingOne Sun 26-Jul-09 19:58:53

Are you staying in and avoiding everyone else? As in not going shopping, to the park? Do you do this in the autumn when seasonal flu starts to kick in? If not, I'd say go.

It is "only" flu.

I'm a high risk group, my DH is a high risk group and I have a five year old and a three year old. I have absolutely no intention of shutting myself away for the next year until a tested jab is available.

kitsmummy Sun 26-Jul-09 19:59:07

Just to clarify, I didn't go to Milan as I (and virtually all of her other friends) did not have the £500 that it would have cost, which she knew when she decided to go there hmm. Also, I'm not worried about me suffering from swine flu, it's the thought of my children getting it (from me), particularly as DD is so young and high risk. If DCs were older I wouldn't think twice about going.

misspollysdolly Sun 26-Jul-09 20:02:15

Apologies for the possible thread hijack but can sombody, anybody explain to me - in the light of Northern Lurker's recent statement "Swine flu is a mild and extremely common virus" - what all the swine flu fuss is all about...? Don't mean to be dim but I don't get whether it's all a big media/government fuss about nothing, or whether to be genuinely concerned....

kitsmummy Sun 26-Jul-09 20:02:30

No, you can see from my op that I'm well aware I could catch it from someone in the street etc and have no intention of shutting myself away from normal life, but for me the problem is KNOWINGLY socialising with potential (probable?) carriers. However I'm grateful for all your comments as I'm genuinely not sure if I'm BU, and it looks like maybe I am.

pamelat Sun 26-Jul-09 20:03:37


I can imagine your indecision. My DD is 18 months. I don't care about me getting it but, despite knowing that its unlikely to become serious, I would be very very worried if DD got it.

However, it sounds most unlikely.

I got married 2 years ago and would have been very upset if my bridesmaids did not come out.

Lilyloo Sun 26-Jul-09 20:07:34

I would go as others have said you are very likely to be in the company of a carrier at some stage this year through general day to day buisness.
They may not have it anyway.
If i was your friend i would be very upset that you hadn't come to both my hen do's.

Lilyloo Sun 26-Jul-09 20:08:04

Either sorry , not both can completely understand Milan.

nickytwotimes Sun 26-Jul-09 20:11:43

It is uncontained now and you could potentially be exposed at any time, any place. Of course I would avoid someone WITH it, but not those who might be incubating it.
Take some hand sanitiser with you and keep your hands clean to relieve your worry. I do this all the time as I hate being ill and it has reduced the number of colds/bugs I get.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sun 26-Jul-09 20:18:24

HEavens, i dont know - i wouldn't go - because im so crap at being ill that i wouldn't want to go if someone had a cold in case i caught it!

But you are the bridesmaid - i would think that is reason enough in itself for you to be cautious, you don't want to be catching swine flu and be banned from the wedding.

Tis a difficult one really. The advice is if you are asymptomatic to go on as usual.

WesternBelle Sun 26-Jul-09 20:19:20


I wouldn't go if I was you, nor would DH (have just checked).

Your responsibility is first and foremost to your DCs and your DD in particular is very young and vulnerable.

Yes you could catch it from someone on the street BUT that would be something unavoidable, whereas spending time with people who have been exposed to it IS avoidable.

If the bride is a good friend then she should understand. Put the other way round, I would hate to be responsible for any of my friends' DCs to get swine flu particularly a baby. I would actually ring them if I was the bride and let them know it would be totally understood if they didn't want to attend.

pamelat Sun 26-Jul-09 20:20:57

IF you and others are genuinely concerned could your friend change the date, considering that she is not out of the 7 day time?

tryingtobemarypoppins Sun 26-Jul-09 20:23:13

Out of interest, if OP WAS pregnant would you say to go??

kitsmummy Sun 26-Jul-09 20:23:46

Thank you both, and Westernbelle, that is exactly how I feel. The bride doesn't know about the hen do as it's a surprise but I'd certainly explain why I wasn't there and hope she'd understand, but not entirely sure she would understand (she didn't seem to understand about Milan sad

kitsmummy Sun 26-Jul-09 20:26:06

Not sure about date change, wedding is a month away, so getting a bit close, but will suggest it?

PixiNanny Sun 26-Jul-09 20:30:33

It's honestly not as bad as everyone makes it out to be, I had it a couple of weeks ago and though my apetite is still not 100%, I'm fine otherwise, and was barely even that ill, mainly sleepy/heachey, as if I'd pulled an all nighter on MN a few nights in a row grin

Don't worry too much about it, go and enjoy yourself!

misspollysdolly: I see it as the next birdflu. They made a huge fuss out of that and look what happened; nothing. I know that things are more serious this time around however it's the same as normal flu, people are dying just as they would anyways. The stats that the media are giving out aren't even correct. Not many counties are even testing suspected cases anymore as it's no use to them, it's over before the suspected cases have been identified as positive or not. The media just like stirring things up and they do it well, we can't go into hiding because of something that might happen

Bellsa Sun 26-Jul-09 20:31:59

I'd go-you are a bridesmaid, your friend will expect you to be there, and she will be upset if you're not. If you missed Milan (for a perfectly good reason) this will be doubly so, as you are one of the people the night is aimed at-ie people who couldn't go to Milan. Someone you're in contact with will either have it or get it soon, and you can't avoid everyone.

WesternBelle Sun 26-Jul-09 20:32:56

I would make excuses and say DD is still weak from her recent infection rather than say outright you want to avoid swine flu.

Your friend might well be miffed that you're not there but she'll get over it. As for Milan, that is besides the point. Just because she set the bar for an expensive hen do in Milan (I mean, recession? Hello? hmm That's a bit cheeky even if there isn't a recession on IMO), doesn't obligate you to attend the cheaper hen do under all circumstances.

Do what you feel is right for you and DCs. Hen do's are not the be all and end all of a wedding.

pootle09 Mon 27-Jul-09 09:08:02

PixiNanny - it might not have been that bad for you, but clearly that's not the case for everyone is it.

To the OP, I would do some research and find out if people are contagious during the incubation period. If they're not then you're good to go, and if any of your friends are displaying symptoms then presumably they won't feel well enough to go.

Devongirl Mon 27-Jul-09 09:17:12

The wedding is in a month and there is going to be lots of people there I presume - what if you catch it there?

I am pregnant, but I think I would still go. You can't say for sure you'll catch it or not catch it but that's life isn't it.

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 27-Jul-09 11:35:30

"It's honestly not as bad as everyone makes it out to be, I had it a couple of weeks ago and though my apetite is still not 100%, I'm fine otherwise, and was barely even that ill, mainly sleepy/heachey, as if I'd pulled an all nighter on MN a few nights in a row"

some people had swine flu badly - my brother was seriously ill with it, in hospital and then had 3weeks off work - others say that they had it, but sure they didnt, ie its a cold, but doctors are worried so just say yes its swine flue and give tamiflu to all who say they have it

unless you have the blood test you cant 100% prove you did have swine flu and not a cold

but i regress smile

to op, i would go the the hen do

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