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To really hate the way i look

(82 Posts)
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 22:26:06

I look like a fat frumpy version of vic reeves really. [sorry vic]

I used to be really quite sexy, always a little on the large side (huge bust) but happy with that. To be honest, i don't have so much of a problem with my body, its more my face, well, the whole package really.

How can i look SO different? I'm fat, my hair is lank and greasy (no matter how often i wash it), my skin is awful - it looks dirty all the time. I have excessive facial hair which i waxed off yesterday - ouch! But really, why bother - honestly, i know this seems pathetic, but i really think i am actually ugly.

DP and i hardly have sex any more. I used to do sexy dances for him, i have caught myself doing this lately and thought "what the fuck are you doing?" It doesn't elicit the same _response as it used to, thats for sure - i wonder if it actually turns his stomach.

I know peope will come on here and say - go on a diet, get some exercise, get your hair cut etc, but i just can't see the point - none of that will change my face.

Im just bein realistic, im not attractive any more. There must be other women who feel the same, who are resigned to not being attractive and you see them, plain clothes, comfy shoes - well thats me, all my clothes come from charity shops, i pay alot for my shoes, relatively, because i like comfy shoes.

Its not like im really old, im only 39 i know women older than me who really look good. My friends are pretty, i often wonder why they associate with me - i must make them feel ill.

The thing is, i DID use to be pretty, i was, i really was - had a good figure (if you like busty), i turned heads. I loved it too, christ i was vain - i often used to think i would get punished for it, now i think i was right - serves me right for thinking so much of myself.

I dont bother with nice clothes (cant afford it just now anyway), havent had my hair cut for over two years, possibly even longer. I did cut it myself once, just got hold of a handful and lopped it off. It didnt look too bad.

Dont get me wrong, im not doig the self pity thing, its almost cathartic to accept that my old sexual self is long gone and that i dont have to bother anymore.

cornsillk Sat 25-Jul-09 22:28:57

Haven't you got a young baby - few weeks old?

cornsillk Sat 25-Jul-09 22:31:55

Have I got the right poster? I know I felt awful about myself after both of my ds's.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 22:43:23

No cornsilk, my DD is four. I am on ADs following undetected PND and i suffer from anxiety. I am not doing so great at the moment, but this is unrelated.

I think part of my problem is accepting that the sexy old me isn't coming back any time soon. Its almost like a greiving process

tigerbear Sat 25-Jul-09 22:43:24

YABU! You're being really hard on yourself!
However if you haven't had a proper haircut in years, don't buy nice clothes for yourself, etc, it's not surprising you feel the way you do. I think the last line of your post is really sad, that you think so negatively of of yourself - you can get at least part of the old you back if you want to!
If you have posted about this, it is obviously getting you down, cathartic feelings or not.

cornsillk Sat 25-Jul-09 22:46:46

Agree with tigerbear. A new haircut and outfit will work wonders. I'm sure you look just as sexy as you always did.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 25-Jul-09 22:51:45

Why are you so sure it's not to do with your PND? Comments like you making your friends ill sound really lacking in self esteem.

I'm not sure why you posted in AIBU, but I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. Sexy is about attitude. You're grieving for something which won't be dead if you resuscitate it.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 23:02:09

i wouldn't know where to start mary.

stubbyfingers Sat 25-Jul-09 23:04:29

IME you are perhaps slightly deluded to think that this is unrelated to PND and anxiety. I know that it can just feel like this is how I am but I think they are all interconnected.

I would never tell someone who felt they looked bad to go on a diet or whatever. why should you be made to feel bad because you are you?

this is something bigger than a diet and a haircut.

skybright Sat 25-Jul-09 23:06:31

I f i wear trackies and a t chirt,no make up and stick my hair up i look like shit.

If i.....have a facial,get waxed,stick on the slap,do my hair,wear flattering clothes and high high heels,ohh and have good light i can still pretend that i am as gorgeous as i ever was.

Ignore the bad bits (we all have them) focus on the good bits.

I always find getting a bit pissed increses my likelyhood of an arse shaking dance for DH these days.x

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 23:07:37

Mostly i feel sad for my DP, he is such a lovely guy. We used to have an extremely sexual relationship, but now we hardly touch each other. We do cuddle, but i miss the passion

skybright Sat 25-Jul-09 23:08:10

Sorry If and T-shirt.

skybright Sat 25-Jul-09 23:10:42

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy ,it's a bit of a catch 22,having passion can make you feel sexy..once you stop you can sometimes loose the habit iyswim.

I'm sure your arse can still do some sexy dancing.x

tigerbear Sat 25-Jul-09 23:11:16

OP - I think we can all relate to that one, especially if you have DC's and have been with your partner for a while. Tis quite natural imo.

SecretNinjaChipmunk Sat 25-Jul-09 23:11:44

i think stubbyfingers is right, it sounds like depression to me. You sound like your self confidence has taken a nosedive and you are having problems seeing a way out. How long have you been on the AD's? Is it possible to try another brand/ combination if you are feeling like this? maybe your gp could help? talk to your dp too, does he know how you feel?

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 23:13:39

I think i would be happier if i looked like this when DP met me, but i am a completely COMPLETELY different person. unrecognisable. HE on the other hand is just as lovely and sexy and gorgeous and it hurts that i often want him so badly, but i can't stand having sex because i feel so vile

dittany Sat 25-Jul-09 23:14:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 23:18:23

He doesn't reject me dittany, this is not him, this is me. 100% me. He tries really hard (pardon the pun), but honestly - I wouldn't want to fuck me - he does, but well, men have needs don't they and all cats are grey in the dark.

dittany Sat 25-Jul-09 23:18:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany Sat 25-Jul-09 23:21:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 23:21:53

oh but i do, its uncanny!

dittany Sat 25-Jul-09 23:24:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 25-Jul-09 23:24:38

i suppose i am saying that really dittany. I dont want to turn this on DP, HE doesn't make me feel like this - i do, every time i look in the mirror.

He is very honest, he tells me i need to loose weight but he covers his arse by telling me he still finds me sexy. To be fair he could loose a few pounds too, but he is still gorgeous - its more of a fitness thing for him. For me, it has more to do with me not looking like a manetee.

CybilLiberty Sat 25-Jul-09 23:26:32

Well you may not turn heads on a building site anymore (let's face it, who does) but you have a lovely family and a dh that loves you and finds you sexy.

Try to stop lamenting who you once were and embrace who you are now and what you have.

We are all more than what we look like.

dittany Sat 25-Jul-09 23:28:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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