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to think that my friends are making a rod for their own backs?

(53 Posts)
welshone51 Fri 24-Jul-09 18:57:58

I have two very good friends who are lovely generous people, they have a 19 month old daughter who they naturally adore. They are loving, caring parents who want the best for their only daughter.
However I have noticed in the past that they tend to give in to their daughter quite a lot.
I especially noticed it on a recent holiday with them as they tended to allow their daughter to make a lot of the decisions regarding her own care for example they ask her if she wants to go to bed, have a bath, go in her pram, get dressed e.t.c and if the child says no which she often does then she doesnt have to do these things often resulting in her going to bed at midnight, not being bathed regularly, being carried everywhere and not even having her raincovers on in torrential rain.
I am not saying I am the perfect parent at all but just feel frustrated that they are being led a merry dance by their little one. I am unsure whether they do this due to convieniance or because they dont want to upset her but I feel that they are giving their tiny daughter too many choices which may led to problems in the future. Im just wondering what other peoples opinions are on this -feel free to tell me to butt out and to mind my own!!

suwoo Fri 24-Jul-09 19:00:27

Yep. Butt out and mind your own.

I follow this school of parenting as I am a lazy bitch. wink

Hulababy Fri 24-Jul-09 19:00:48

Their child, their choice of parenting. If it works for them then so be it.

They may change their arenting style as she gets older. And hopefully, even if they don't, they will ensure good discipline and manners and the child will grow up perfectly fine.

Regardless,s till not your place to say I'm afriad.

janeite Fri 24-Jul-09 19:01:50

YANBU to THINK this (your thoughts are your own business) but you would be U to say anything.

Dp and I agonised over whether to say anything to sil when she and bil were giving young nephew Calpol 'in case' of teething pain every few hours, rather than responding to actual pain: we decided that we really couldn't say anything.

In circumstances like this, anything you say would come across as interfering, however well-meaning imho.

Lulubee Fri 24-Jul-09 19:02:00

This is something that really winds me up as well - have good friends in a very similar situation and their child is now a lot older and PITA. Children need boundaries, adults should provide them, and those who don't are creating a multitude of problems for the future. So no, YANBU. Quite what to do about it is beyond me though - I have never presumed to criticise another person's parenting style, it seems to be a bit of a golden no-no!

belgo Fri 24-Jul-09 19:02:59

You are probably right, they may be causes problems for the future, but there is nothing you can do about it. They have to find out the hard way, it's just not your business.

KingRolo Fri 24-Jul-09 19:04:15

YANBU to think that. I'd agree with you to be honest.

But it's up to them how they bring their child up.

OrmIrian Fri 24-Jul-09 19:05:14

Oh dear. That phrase is one of the things most likely to make me really cross.

I would mind your own business TBH. What on earth would you say if you did decide to act?

FWIW I parent quite similarly to her and I have to say that (with the possible exception of limb of satan DS#2) my DCs are independent loving capable children.

There is more than one way to skin a cat.

pjmama Fri 24-Jul-09 19:07:13

You can think what you like, but its up to them how to parent their child. Personally I despise the term "rod for your own back" - being a first time parent is hard enough without other people being so ready and willing to tell you you're doing it all wrong.

plimple Fri 24-Jul-09 19:08:03

YANBU, but you can only be responsible for yourself and your own children.

hercules1 Fri 24-Jul-09 19:08:13

Hate that phrase "rod for their own backs". You have no idea how their dd will turn out and you may find she is far better behaved than your own dc.

MitchyInge Fri 24-Jul-09 19:08:19

To be honest I only have enough mental and emotional energy to meet my own parenting demands, I couldn't really give a fuck* how other people do things and don't see why anyone else would either!

* except in cases of horrible abusive type parenting obviously

tittletat Fri 24-Jul-09 19:15:37

YANBU - I know a few older kids who parents have choosen to parent them like this and they struggle to play well with other children as they are so used to getting their own way.

One of the kids came to DSSs party and in front of his dad told my DH to shut up and because DH had asked him to stop kicking the table. his Dad gave a weak smile, so DH said 'can you ask him to stop ' to which the dad said 'it's up to him to decide when it's right to stop' He was 8. DSS says that now he has no friends as he always wants people to do what he wants sad.

Children like adults need to know that life isn't always about doing exactly what you want and getting what you want there and then.

Mumcentreplus Fri 24-Jul-09 19:18:01

hahaha..good luck to them..don't take it on welshy it's their business not yours

funtimewincies Fri 24-Jul-09 19:19:14

YANBU to think it but YABVU if you say it.

CurryMaid Fri 24-Jul-09 19:20:33

There was something somewhere on here said the other day re: her interfering MIL, was along the lines of "I parent my child in this way because this is the way my child is."

I think it was about a younger baby but I still think it could apply here. My DD is not yet one and has a very, very clear idea of what she does and doesn't want to do. Perhaps their child is similar and they think some battles are worth fighting and others are not.

It's very hard to deal with a child who erupts whenever something they don't like happens (in my DD's case this could be something she's trying to reach for being a milimetre too far away.)

Obviously I have no idea what their DD is like or why they've chosen to parent in this way, but you're not in their shoes so you don't know either.

growingout Fri 24-Jul-09 19:21:00

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare Fri 24-Jul-09 19:24:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurryMaid Fri 24-Jul-09 19:26:13


"I especially noticed it on a recent holiday with them"

perhaps they were more relaxed because of their holidays.

nickytwotimes Fri 24-Jul-09 19:29:44

Bite your tongue.
But yes, she may will be a horror unless things change as time goes by.

welshone51 Fri 24-Jul-09 19:29:55

I would never dream of saying anything as I believe there is no right or wrong way to parent but just feel frustrated as they often seem overwhelmed. Sorry about the saying didnt mean to offend anyone!

CurryMaid Fri 24-Jul-09 19:32:18

Well if they seem overwhelmed then you should support them smile

Anything else will just annoy them. Like the time my friend told me I was allowing my DD to 'manipulate' me by breastfeeding so much hmm

FairyMum Fri 24-Jul-09 19:35:10

Parents don't always think the same things are important.Bedtime is really important for us and we are super-strict. On other things, we are really lazy/relaxed and I am sure people have thought "rod for own back" many times. Very few parents have nothing they enforce at all.

Mumcentreplus Fri 24-Jul-09 19:37:30

if I gave my DD1 a choice she would never have brushed her blinkin teeth and would have 1 giant dread-lock as hair-do..and DD2 would still be suckin boob and being pushed around in her Maclaren like the friggin queen..there must be balance..they will work this out eventually I'm sure

TheCrackFox Fri 24-Jul-09 19:41:31


They have probably slated your parenting techniques too. It is inevitable if you go on holiday with other people and their DCs.

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