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for wanting to throttle ds1 for saying "mummy you're so fat"

(35 Posts)
mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:27:47

I am a 10/12 in clothes and considering I am nearly 39 and gave birth 5 months ago I am not in that bad nick.

Not according to my four year old.

I'm afraid I completely lost it with him - this was the icing on the cake of me trying to remove him from a friend's house this evening.

I was greated with "go away" and "I don't like you" and then this choice insult.

I guess I'm really hurt because I thought little boys were supposed to love their mums and I have so much anger and hostility from DS1. I think it started when I was pregnant last summer and every time I think he is OK with me it just gets worse.

Complete strangers think he is wonderful - he's at a playcentre for 3 days a week as I work from home and have a baby to look after and all the staff were singing his praises.

His dad is besotted with him and all the hard stuff - telling him off, making him eat healthy food, saying to to sweets etc ends up being my job.

I guess the heart of it is that he feels he really doesn't like me and prefers my husband.

If I'm honest I much prefer his little brother, who is divine (even when he is screaming his head off).

My relationship with DS1 reminds me of that with my own mother and this is another cause for sadness.

DH is out at some work thing and I feel like shit. I have loads of stuff to do but just feel like crying.

How can I sort this out?

saadia Wed 22-Jul-09 20:31:56

He must be picking up on the fact that you prefer his brother. Do you treat them differently?

saadia Wed 22-Jul-09 20:33:02

sorry that wasn't meant to sound so abrupt, but do you generally seem happier when interacting with his brother?

sleepymommy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:33:45

Who else calls you fat? He's heard that somewhere.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:34:30

His brother is a 5 month old baby who is still on the breast.

DS1 is a child of four - big for his age, very loud and independent minded.

hard to treat them the same really.

edam Wed 22-Jul-09 20:36:49

or he's heard it used as an insult against someone else, and just used it as a way to lash out.

Think you've put your finger on it with your husband playing Mr Nicey Nicey and leaving all the actual parenting to you. Time to sort that one out.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:37:45

no one calls me fat - maybe I sometimes moan about my saggy stomach.

I think it is an insult he has picked up from school.

The irony is that I worry about him being fat - he was weighed a few months back and the doc said he was ok but he has a bit of a tendency in that direction if you ask me.

I guess I just feel sad that he doesn't like me much - this started long before ds2 was born.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:39:28

edam think you are spot on there.

DH infuriates me by refusing to hear a bad word against him.

But then he doesn't get all the grief.

sleepymommy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:39:50

Try not to get too down about it. My boys play up when they have to come home from friends houses. They just don't want the fun to end, that's all. And I agree with Edam, he wouldn't really know what he was saying.It's hard adjusting to having a new baby too, it's normal for him to lash out.

bigchris Wed 22-Jul-09 20:40:26

you need to spend more one to one time with him if at all possible
does he start school in september ?
maybe he is anxiuos
boys that age still need lots of cuddles

cheesesarnie Wed 22-Jul-09 20:40:34

hes 4!they say stuff-my 3 year old told me i smell of poo when i tried to give him his medicine earlier.thats just what they do!

if hes picking up vibes from you that you prefer his brother ofcourse hes going to act up.

edam Wed 22-Jul-09 20:41:09

could you go away for a few days and leave dh to look after the kids on his own? Then he'd have to get on with it and wouldn't be able to get out of making ds do things ds doesn't necessarily want to do right at that moment.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:43:15

I just feel that most of my experiences with him are so negative.

I don't think I like him much.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:45:37

I would LOVE to go away for a few days and just leave them to it but sadly I have too much on at the moment.

bigchris - you're absolutely right - I don't get enough one to one time with him because I have the baby to look after and tons of work to do.

And another big baby of 35 who wants a lot of attention wink

cornflakegirl Wed 22-Jul-09 20:46:55

Do you get to do good stuff with him too, as well as the bad cop bits? My 4yo is experimenting with rudeness at the moment; his favourite disallowed word is stupid. He will also tell me to go away, and shut his bedroom door so I can't go in. I think anger, and strong emotions and pushing boundaries is part of being 4. But if that's all you're getting from him, maybe he's craving some positive attention?

cheesesarnie Wed 22-Jul-09 20:49:07

how about start with simple things like making bathtime more fun with mummy,jigsaw/craft time when the baby naps,him helping with dinner.simple things that involve just you and him.
when ds2 was born dd and ds1 were 4 and 5.i used to stick ds2 in a sling so i he was happy and i could do things with dd and ds1.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:50:37

we do good stuff at the weekends as a family and have a lot of fun.

most of the stuff I do with him on his own involve dragging him out of the house early in the morning, dragging him out of parks, playcentres, friends' houses, making him get dressed, go to bed. I am the enforcer - Mrs nasty if you like...

I know I need to leave the baby with my husband and take him out on his own but it never seems to happen that way.

I feel very, very bad about my relationship with him if I'm honest.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 20:54:00

cheesesarnie that sounds lovely. He's not really into crafts and jigsaws - prefers TV and super-bloody-mario.

Mealtimes are a chore as his taste in food is super chavtastic and all he ever wants is sausages.

He is a 14 year old trapped in a 4 year old's body.

OrmIrian Wed 22-Jul-09 20:59:31

Can you think of something nice about him? Not being funny, I mean it. Try to focus on the things you like about him.

And don't get angry because he says something nasty. He's 4. He's lashing out. And beleive me he will know that you prefer his baby brother - a new baby tends to put an older sibling out anyway.

cheesesarnie Wed 22-Jul-09 21:05:33

dont drag him out the house-play super mario if thats what hes into.

make a sausages volcano using mash and sausages and loads of sauce!

you said hes not really into crafts but what if it was mario?how about printing some mario pictures from the internet and either colouring in or cutting and sticking.

what does he enjoy about the play centres?whats his favorite thing to do there?

Nancy66 Wed 22-Jul-09 21:08:39

the tone that's coming across from your posts is that you really don't like your kid. Even the dig about his weight was a bit mean.

Ok, he can be a pain. But he's four years old and has had his nose put out of joint by a new arrival. he must be picking up on your dislike for him and acting up accordingly.

Poor little guy, I feel sorry for him.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 21:10:44

his favourite thing is having or going to sleepovers.

he loves other kids - is incredibly sociable.

he is very, very clever - amazing with numbers and articulate.

just very rude and very tiring and I am very, very tired at the moment.

re: baby. I was worried that he would hate his little brother but he's quite sweet to him.

I'm the person who gets all the attacks.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 21:14:07

nancy66 believe you me I feel TERRIBLE for having these emotions. It makes me feel like an absolute witch.

I just want to be a better mother to him and stop the cycle of negativity that I can feel developing.

I know I was horrible to him this evening and know that my feelings towards him are very wrong.

Lilyloo Wed 22-Jul-09 21:14:51

When you are tired it is easy to get things out of proportion.
I have a 4 year old who is pushing every boundary and is very highly strung at the moment.
I find her very hard to deal with too. As for what he said , most 4 year olds say things without thinking what they mean.
Don't forget he has had a very big change with the new baby too. He will aslo be worrying about school so lot's of things to unsettle him.

I think you are picking up on these and focusing in on them rather than looking at what he can do etc
Whilst i am sure he does like computers and tv and sleepovers i am sure he will love 1on1 mummy time just as much.

mslucy Wed 22-Jul-09 21:23:05

My horrible boss should be away at the beginning of Aug.

This should make things easier.

We are having a party for my birthday in Aug. He loves parties so he can help choose the food/invite people to it and generally get involved.

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