to want dhs ex to drop and collect sd occasinally?

[babytinkabell]

Dh has a 14 yr old dd from a previous relationship. Dh and I have been together for 9 years and have 2 kids together. Until 2 years ago he saw his dd every other weekend. Then her mum and step dad moved further away (2 and a half hours) and dhs work chnged to a lot of weekend work so he now sees her every 3-4 weeks. Her mum wont let her near our house (whole other story) so dh has to bring her to their local shopping centre to eat, park, cinema etc.
I'm pregnant again, unplanned but we're thrilled as we were told after complications last time that we'd prob never have more kids.
Usually we all go up to see sd every 2 months, dh does the other journeys alone as it's quite far for the kids to travel in a day and we can't afford hotels etc to stay over.
We asked his ex to drop sd to the shopping centre occasionally after baby is born so we can all go up together to see sd. She flatly refused. We are talking about 3-4 times a year here max. The shopping centre is literally 5 minutes up the road from her house and sd and her mum go there every weekend anyway. Personally we tink ex is just being awkward. Her and dh don't get on at all and now she's saying that if he won't come to the house to collect sd then he won't be seeing her. I think it's a shame that we won't all be able to be together at any stage. Should add we are saving for 7 seater car but that won't happen for at least 2 years. AIBU to want her to drop he dd up the road to us 4 times in a year?
I'm getting so stressed about this, when we had dd ex stopped sd meeting her till she was 4 months old. Don't want the same happening again.

[proverbial]

If she is 14 and the centre is 5 mins from home, surely she can get herself there? Or for that matter, get the train or bus to your town. At 14 I would imagine that its up to her to decide when, where and how she sees her father, rather than her mother?

[Viv180]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but if she refuses then you do have other alternatives...
Sd could make her own way there, or dh could drop you and children off and then go and pick sd up...

[Tryharder]

OMG, of course you are not being unreasonable. Your DH's XP sounds doolally. Why won't she let your DSD come to your house? The girl is 14 - what does she think about all this?

Is she (XP) still bitter about the break-up of the relationship? After so many years, you think she would have calmed down.

My DH isn't allowed to see his first son from a previous relationship because she is jealous about our relationship. I'm sorry to say that women in particular can be very, very bitter and nasty.

for you.

[babytinkabell]

Apologies... should have stated she has a physical disability so her mother will not allow her to use public transport.

[hercules1]

Crazy she cant come to the house but I agree with others that 14 year old can make her own way.

[hercules1]

Ahh. WHy wont they let her come to the house?

[babytinkabell]

Tbh we never really got to the bottom of why they won't let her come here. Sds mum made the desicion as soon as me and dh met and has refused to budge on it ever since. At first me and dh went along with it for a quiet life. It didn't cause huge probs at first because his mum used to live near sd so we took her to his mums for the weekends we had her. Since they moved that obviously doesn't work any more but she still refuses to give in and let her come here. And sd is the kind of child that will go along with whatever her mum says so whenever we have broached the subject with her she has just said her mum wouldn't like it and gets upset. We don't want to force the issue. We kinda keep reassuring ourselves that in a couple of years she'll be old enough to make her own desicions and lose a bit of her mum and step dads influence. Just hope this turns out to be the case.
Sds mum made a few snide comments over the last few years that we weren't bringing her daughter down to us to play happy families and stuff like that. It's all about control and a bit of insecurity on her part from what I can see. Don't know why... it was her that left dh for another guy when sd was only 6 months. The relationship worked, the've been together since so I have no idea why she's so bitter about us.

[OrangeFish]

I don't get it tbh, however, if she only lives 5 mins from the shopping centre, why not to pick her up (I think is quicker and less disruptive for the child.