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to want to leave my husband…

(45 Posts)
parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:18:41

because I’ve found out that he’s been stealing?

In a nutshell, about 6 months ago, we set up an online savers a/c to save some money to clear our debts. 6 weeks ago, I logged into our a/c, cos DH was away, and instead of 4 months worth of £300, I found £24.50.

Granted, it had been DS’s birthday the month before, and I knew he took some money out for that, and a little for while he was away, but I still expected over £1k to be in there. Also, I found out the account was set up so only he could withdraw funds as well.

I flipped out, demanded that he shut the a/c down, and cancelled the DD for the monthly transfer (I paid the money in, cos I earn more).

We discussed it, I took over the money organising sitch, and we left it at that. We each pay bills for the house, we do not have a joint account anymore.

I was away this weekend just gone. He went out in my car to get DS from my parents, and he ragged my car so I had no fuel left in my car. Not ideal, considering I’m scraping the barrel to get by this month, thanks to an unexpected vet bill.

And then, to top it off, he didn’t take DS to church on Sunday, because he ‘didn’t have any fuel either’. My parents were not happy, as he could quite have easily phoned them for a lift. This is off the tangent slightly, but my faith and my DS’s faith mean a lot to me. I was quite cross that DS didn’t go.

When I got back from my weekend, I ‘caught’ him essentially stealing money from a collection entrusted to him to buy a colleague a birthday present. He bluffed his way out saying he didn’t need to get it till next week and that as we got paid in the meantime, he’ll make it up. He said he needed it for fuel, and for DS’s lunch. Why didn’t he take DS to church then? And there was bread in the fridge, ham in the cupboard, and a pack of apples costs 50p. Yet, the week before, he’d managed to scrape enough together to buy himself a McDonalds. Hardly the crime of the century, but still…

Fuel? Mcdonalds? Fuel? Mcdonalds. Really, there’s no choice.

I know this is just a small thing, but in the past, there has been other lump sums of money go missing. We lived with my parents for nearly a year, and I know now that he never paid any rent to them. We had a joint a/c then, and he was totally in charge of the money – I had to ask for £5 a week for the bus.

I’m sick of him trying to be in control, and pinching money from where he shouldn’t.

We’ve been together for over 7 years, living together for just under, and DS is 6. We’ve been married for 5 years. Ever since we’ve lived together he took over my accounts. I let him to begin with as I was useless with money. But after I ended up with about £2k’s worth of bank charges (in total) having been applied over a matter of a year with him in charge, I changed banks, stopped giving him access, and tried again. Then I ended up with depression, stupidly let my salary be paid into a joint, lost control again, and last year (yes, last year) have only just gotten control back again.

I want to break it all off with him, and start afresh.

AIBU?!

Issy2008 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:21:16

No, not in the slightest! He sounds like he's been using you and your earnings over the last few years. Good luck! x

MamaLazarou Tue 21-Jul-09 17:23:07

Good grief, he sounds horrendous. Does he have redeeming features?

parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:24:17

I must admit, I'm scared.

It's taken me 3 days to wake up to the fact that yes, I need to leave him, but I'm scared to do it.

I've depended on him so much in the past, I'm worried I'll cock it up on my own.

CarGirl Tue 21-Jul-09 17:25:31

what is he spending the money on??? Is he gambling it?

parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:26:51

He used to have.

I mean, yeah, he's a good dad, and fairly easy-going if you don't cross him but if you do, he's got such a short fuse, and gets very verbally agressive. I'm scared this time round, as I'm worried he'll cross the line to be physically agressive.

I've tried to leave him before, but for another reason. we talked it through, with my dad (who's a priest), and together they convinced me to stay.

now, however, I think there's no going back

parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:29:49

cargirl, I asked him about that before, the gambling, and he says no.

if he does, he's very controlled with it.

but then again, I found letters from the bank saying here's your increased overdraft.

he's still paying off the old one from our previous bank...

I just don't know. And I don't want to be financially linked with him anymore

OhBling Tue 21-Jul-09 17:32:24

This man doesn't sound like your husband. He sounds like a pesky younger brother living off his big sister and taking the piss.

And he steals.

If you feel strongly that you don't want to leave him, you need to make it clear that the behaviour has to stop. But.. I'm afraid I'm not certain that will work. Normally I'm the one on MN saying, "don't just write the man off" but in this instance... well, he's dishonest and he's been abusing your financial trust. And he's certainly not acting like a loving partner.

CarGirl Tue 21-Jul-09 17:32:52

well if he's not trustworthy with your money, what else is he lying or capable of lying about? He sounds very controlling.

Womens Aid will help you.

CowWatcher Tue 21-Jul-09 17:34:13

Hi, sounds like a bit of a nightmare & money is something that most people to manage to row about at some time or another. How are the other aspects of your relationship? It doesn't sound like there is a lot of trust between the two of you. I would also be concerned about what he's spending the money on. Does he have any unsavoury habits (other than macD's)?

parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:36:54

Thanks OB,

I've spoken to CAB today, and they say to try to get him to leave, otherwise he gets the house.

The council where I live aren't the best, and tend to give priority to teenage mums who don't work, except to punch out another sprog.

So there's not a lot of housing to go spare, unless I go private. And then you've got the dogs to think of too - they're both from broken homes, and I rescued them. I can't put them through that again.

I think I'll talk to my dad first, and make sure he's ok with my decision. Ideally, I want him around when I tell DH (ha!) to go.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 21-Jul-09 17:37:07

People have left for less.

Do you want to give him a chance to make it up to you?

parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:40:34

CW, that's quite a difficult question - he keeps his finances very private. He makes out he's not got a lot, and that he's got less personal money after bills than me, but at the end of each month, he's still got some left, where as I'm having to beg off my mum for fuel money (I can't ask him, cos I get lectured about managing my money)

If he's got fetishes of any kind, it's collecting DVDs, and seeing how much fuel he can shove in his car each month (it's not even his car, it's my dad's, and he grumbles about paying my dad a nominal amount each month for it)

<<sigh>>

No, I'll chat with my dad - I see him tomorrow, and I'll go from there,

parkj83 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:41:58

Fab, I tried that last time. Hence why I shut the savings a/c down

He's technically had 3 chances as far as finances go, and I just can't take it anymore I think.

OhBling Tue 21-Jul-09 17:43:00

He keeps his finances private, lectures you about money management but stole thousands of pounds out of a joint account and can't afford to buy fuel?

Umm...?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 21-Jul-09 17:46:30

Then it is time to talk.

LuvLee Tue 21-Jul-09 17:55:57

It's time to walk. Easier said than done, obviously, but seriously, if all you can envisage further down the road is physical abuse, then you need to remove yourself from this situation.

Sorry, I can't be of more help.

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 21-Jul-09 18:15:10

I'm sorry, but this really does sound like financial abuse. That you're worried he might turn violent - 'get physically agressive' - isn't good. I'd agree that you should be talking to Womens Aid, and see what support you can get. Go to the national site - here and find your local service?

Good luck with this. Oh, and YANBU smile

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Tue 21-Jul-09 18:41:36

Do you love him? Quite frankly, dishonesty is enough to errode love. Could it be that he is just really really bad with money and has no idea how to manage it, or do you think he is being deliberately devious? It sounds to me like you have made your decision, and the fact that you feel scared of him indicates its the right choice.

Best of luck xx

HomeTalk Tue 21-Jul-09 21:04:40

The money is clearly going somewhere - if he realises that the situation is serious enough to make you want to leave him would he come clean?

YANBU but you need to think, finances aside, do you love him enough to want to stay?

Really feel for you - Good Luck

pushkar Tue 21-Jul-09 21:18:02

i hope he is not having an affair!! obviously he is using the money for something not his family
dont leave because he has to contribute to your children get evidence paper work photocopy the bank statements he so clearly wiped out and why is it in his name only when you are paying into the internet account..

watch listen and wait dont make any rash decisions

well not just yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

parkj83 Wed 22-Jul-09 08:56:50

Pushkar: I really don't think he's having an affair! he's with me 24-7 except when he's at work, and I know how long it takes for him to get there and back. He's got very strong opinions on that sort of thing!

HomeTalk/imay: Yes I do love him, but it has dwindled, and I don't want to make love with him, and I'm not in love with him. I like being around him, and he's good fun, so long as money's not involved. I've just diverted him from a massive spending spree at the end of the month, because the car needs MOT, and one of our dog needs MOT. He knows about these, but seems to deliberately forget about them, because when I do remind him, he gets, well, tetchy, because usually it's me who forgets everything! And he says it's my fault if they don't get done, because I'm wasting my personal money, (with regards to the dog: 'you wanted him in the first place, you pay for him'. fair enough, but you have said on many occasion that you love him too, and you like having him around, and I've caught you molly-coddling him, and buying him treats. fair's fair, please)

parkj83 Wed 22-Jul-09 12:21:22

Also, Push, the online a/c was in both our names, otherwise I wouldn't have paid into it. but he'd set it up to be linked just to him.

when I tried to take money out, I couldn't - it withdrew only to his personal a/c, which of course, I can't access.

I phoned the bank, tried to change it to my a/c, and they said they couldn't change it, cos that's the way it was set up. once it's done it's done.

oh I'm so confused. We can sit there, as a couple and have such a good evening, but then he'll spoil it by saying, or doing something

Last night, he bought me a bottle of wine (likely from the birthday fund). And then he lost it with DS about 30 mins later. We were having a tickle fight (DS started it), and invariably, DH gets ganged up on cos he’s so ticklish. But DS got carried away, and didn’t stop when we both said so, and DH flipped out completely.

He then negotiated play-time in return for DS getting ready for bed – it was 8pm FFS. DS still ended up in tears because ‘he didn’t have anyone to play with in his bedroom’. So DH played with him for 10 mins, and then that got DH going off about having another sprog. I tactfully diverted him with finances, and that we couldn’t go doo-lally with money, if that’s the case. Get the house and debts in order first, and then we can go from there.

He saw reason, but then started to lecture me on how much I spend in the month. Kettle, black, and pot spring to mind...

I didn't get a chance to speak to my dad last night, but I've told my mum that I need to speak to them both tonight - I'll see them at church.

parkj83 Wed 22-Jul-09 17:28:48

bump, advice please,

DH just phoned me up in excitement,

He’s got rebate on a PPI claim he made on our loan. He reckons it’ll be a couple of grand, and it’ll be through in the next 8 weeks.

he's saying he'll use it to clear our car off, and our CCs.

I don’t know whether I should stay with him to see this through, or if I should still carry on…

Should I leave it to talk through with my parents?

unavailable Wed 22-Jul-09 17:51:40

The timing of this "rebate" sounds too convenient imo. I dont this it should change anything. You need to get everything out in the open.

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