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to have said this about my sister?

(25 Posts)
2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 11:49:11

My sister has suffered from eating disorders for many years and has been in and out of hospital for the past 5, she has been resussed once because of her refusal to eat and her body shutting down. She has just got out of hospital in London after discharging herself once she reached a 'safe weight'. She is currently living at my parents 4 miles from me. Mum asked if they could have my children for the day next week (they are 3 and 10 months and don't know my sister at all) I have said yes this is fine but under no circumstances are my parents to let my sister drive the children anywhere (2 months ago she was given 2 weeks to live I don't think she should be driving as I don't feel she has enough strength to perform an emergency stop if neccessary) and I don't want her walking my ds to the local shop alone (this is along a very busy A road and they have to cross it, we have been told that her illness has made her frail and therefore I worry what would happen to ds if she were to fall and hurt herself or faint while walking alon as he wouldn't be able to walk back alone to get help etc) My mum has said I ABU and that they are her neice and nephew, I have pointed out I am very happy for them to spend the day with them but please not to let my sister leave the house unaccompanied with any of the children (playing in garden or upstairs in their play room is fine unsupervised) So AIBU or do you think I have a fair point?

MamaLazarou Tue 21-Jul-09 11:51:06

YANBU but could you discuss your apprehensions directly with your sister, rather than letting her hear it third-hand from your mum who thinks you ABU?

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 11:53:13

No I have tried and she doesn't understand what I am talking about! She says she is completely better, she isn't and currently waiting to hear about funding for an eating disorder clinic. She is very selfish which I understand is the nature of her illness but I can't talk to her I tried and she just looked blankly at me.

somewhathorrified Tue 21-Jul-09 11:55:07

Expressing concerns to your mum is not unreasonable, if the symptoms of your sister are relevant to now, then fine. However if you are basing your 'rules' on symptoms from 2 months ago then that's not really fair.

TheProvincialLady Tue 21-Jul-09 11:59:08

Actually it is fair somewhathorrified, because there is no way the sister's body could possibly recover that quickly from such an extreme state. She could have a heart attack, collapse, break a hip or any number of things with no warning. And even the best case scenario is that she will not be fast enough to keep up with them.

YANBU - your children's safety comes first.

Upwind Tue 21-Jul-09 12:01:49


so sorry you are faced with this

Mspontipine Tue 21-Jul-09 12:20:18

YANBU 2anddone

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 12:22:39

I have tried to make both her and mum see my point of view but they don't understand. My mums comment was well you let your best friend have them and take them out all the time. (My best friend is also their godmother she was at their birth,sees them all the time, is in perfect health and I can trust her with my life)

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 12:23:56

Thanks for letting me see IANBU I had alot of issues with favouritism with my mum and sister when I was growing up so sometimes I feel that they think when I say no to these things I am being mean for no reason.

MoominMymbleandMy Tue 21-Jul-09 12:25:32

YANBU. It's very sad but I don't see how your sister can yet be physically strong enough to look after such very young children.

Could you not go over for the day as well?

MovingOutOfBlighty Tue 21-Jul-09 12:25:58


Would you hire your sister as a childminder if need be? That is the benchmark I have held up. If not, even if there is no concrete 'proof' that there could be a problem but just your gut instinct, then there is no way I would let that person babysit.

my Mum is a recovering alcoholic and although she seems 100% better I have told her I will not let her have the DCs unsupervised until she has been sober for about a year. If your sister has medical problems, whatever they may be,( and I am so sorry to hear about hers) if you don't feel comfortable about leaveing the DCs, just don't. And your mother has to respect this.

BalloonSlayer Tue 21-Jul-09 12:26:48

To be fair to your mum, she may be in a bit of denial - one of her DDs has nearly died, you can imagine the horror. She might be trying to convince herself that everything's ok now.

If you leave your DCs with your Mum, then you leave her in your mother's care. She needs to know that this means they are not put into the sole care of any other adult - especially not someone who has been so ill.

Perhaps emphasising to your Mum how "exhausting" your DCs can be, and saying you are worried they will wear your sister out and hamper her recovery might help.

Or can you go over with them?

Winetimeisfinetime Tue 21-Jul-09 12:33:19

YANBU - your mum is completely missing the point that you let your bf take the dc out because she has no known health issues but your dsis has.

She is being unreasonable because she is inferring that you just don't want your dsis to take the children out and ignoring your, imho, very valid concerns about her health and ability to cope with 2 young children atm.

LittleMissBliss Tue 21-Jul-09 12:34:09


I would feel exactly the same. I wont leave ds with his G Grandparents for the same reason. They just can't keep up with him and aren't in the best of health.

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 12:35:12

We go over there all the time, I think the main problem with my mum is that she was offended by the fact that I had told her I didn't want my sister left alone with them when my mum would probably never do it. But my sister (as anyone who has also had to live with someone with an eating disorder would know) is very controlling and I know that she would have talked mum into letting her take my older ds (3) to the shop for a treat. You are right Balloon Slayer mum is in complete denial and is trying to convince everything is ok. She knows how exhausting they can be as I say we go over all the time and mum often has them for a day to give me a chance to get jobs done.

MOB-What a coincidence I am a cm and there is no way I would let her be one to my children, this is also the benchmark I use to know who I can leave with my childrengrin

MovingOutOfBlighty Tue 21-Jul-09 12:36:33

There you are, we are both v wise then! [grin backatcha emoticon]

cheesesarnie Tue 21-Jul-09 12:39:32

yanbu.she is not up to it 2 months after being so seriously ill and not with dc that young.

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 12:41:02

BTW I am not working today (in case I get jumped on for doing MN while looking after mindees)

ray81 Tue 21-Jul-09 12:41:17

YANBU at all if you ask your Mum to look after them its her that does so and not anybody else. Your sister will not be well enough after this time to take them out by herself as she will still be in poor health.

However i would just like to point out that selfishness is not the nature of an eating disorder at all, you are generalising all people that have or have had an eating disorder by saying that. I suffered with an eating disorder when i was a teenager and i am not selfish and wasnt then either.

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 12:53:01

Sorry ray81 blush I did not mean to sound like I was generalising, I was actually told this by the therapist we had to go see when we went for family therapy and as my sister is the only person I know with an eating disorder she is the only person I have experience of with this illness. TBH she was extremely controlling before her illness started and even if she gets 'better' I think she will continue to be so as it seems to be her nature. Sorry if I caused any offence

ray81 Tue 21-Jul-09 12:59:59

No No offence at all. When you say your sister is controlling that makes much more sense, an eating disorder is a way of controling life and makes you feel in control when you cant control anything else IYSWIM. However the therapist is wrong, most people with eating disorders are very troubled people and would be hurt by that comment. Not your fault at all.

as i said i dont think YABU, you wouldnt let anyone that had just had a major illness look after your children and thats basically what your sister has had.

bumpsoon Tue 21-Jul-09 14:20:15

I think selfish is probably the wrong word too , more like self absorbed ,in that in the depths of the disease they very rarely see the world past the end of their noses as it becomes all consuming .They arent doing it to hurt other people ,but it is very difficult to live with them .Oh and YANBU , the fact that you say she discharged herself rings immeidiate alarm bells for me .

Silver1 Tue 21-Jul-09 14:27:53

You are not being unreasonable- your mum is probably living in a bit of euphoria and your sister may take risks that she shouldn't to prove she is well.
It isn't easy, and it looks like you are left being sensible and probably to them sounding neurotic, but all the sensible mummies on here think you are right. wink

2anddone Tue 21-Jul-09 20:26:23

Thanks, have decided I will take the children round on Friday and if the subject is bought up again I will just stand firm. I was worried IWBU but I can see now I am not.

HomeTalk Tue 21-Jul-09 20:53:23

YANBU - Make sure that you can trust your mum to adhere to your wishes though...

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