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to end a friendship because I cannot stop my irrational dislike of my close friend? help!

(149 Posts)
autumngold Mon 20-Jul-09 18:22:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumngold Mon 20-Jul-09 18:23:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon Mon 20-Jul-09 18:25:27


bigchris Mon 20-Jul-09 18:26:58

i think it would be boring if all my friends were exactly the same
your friend doesnt have to have the same parenting skills as you to be a good mate
but i guess if you feel inferior around her then maybe it is best to distance yourself

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 20-Jul-09 18:27:05

And tbh in some ways you sound it but really I think you are just hurting, and you are not really a bitch.

it can be awful when you feel you are doing the right thing but your children are still terrors.

Don't ditch her. Why not get her on board? Tell her you would love your children to eat as well as hers, go to bed when asked, etc, and ask her for advice.

If she is as lovely as you say she is probably wondering what has happened for you to distance yourself.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl Mon 20-Jul-09 18:28:44

So why don't you want to be friends with her - I hope I won't offend you but is it because she has well behaved/easy kids and you have vile wimps that don't behave and make parenting hardwork? I don't mean to be mean, but thats how you have put it across - could you just meet up with her without the kids if the childrearing practises are upsetting you?

TotalChaos Mon 20-Jul-09 18:29:29

interesting. in someways I think a good friend of mine sees me as a "Laura" - though as my DS has had developmental problems that's probably stopped her feeling too jealous! I think it would be shame for you to hurt Laura (and would be cutting off your nose etc) if it's your insecurities about your parenting that's the real problem.

ipiratethief Mon 20-Jul-09 18:31:37

sounds like you arehaving a major confidence crisis/reshuffle of what is and isn't important to you?

Your dh is perhaps influencing your views more than you say?

littlelamb Mon 20-Jul-09 18:31:55

Spot on soupy. Not sure where the part about you living in a nice home with a dh on a good salary and her living in a council house come into it though hmm

lucykate Mon 20-Jul-09 18:32:03

oh dear!, i wouldn't describe 'laura's' parenting as bad, it's just different in style to yours.

you do sound a bit competitive with her, and yet she seems to accept you as you are, hang ups and all.

are you sure you are not cutting your nose off to spite your face with this friend?

autumngold Mon 20-Jul-09 18:32:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyraSilvertongue Mon 20-Jul-09 18:33:04

I don't think you can accuse her of bad parenting when her methods are working and her children are happy.

You have the green-eyed monster. if you end your friendship with her over your jealousy, you'll probably regret it in the future. Also this woman has done nothing wrong so doesn't deserve to be unceremoniously dumped for so-called 'better' friends.

AmazingBouncingFerret Mon 20-Jul-09 18:35:18

From your OP it sounds like you have an irrational dislike of YOURSELF and your friend highlights this for you.

Even if you do distance yourself from her you are still going to have the same insecurities about yourself and your parenting.

It would be better if you try to address these insecurities rather than stop being friends with her.

You are not a bitch though.

Morloth Mon 20-Jul-09 18:35:26

I have written off friendships before because of differences in parenting styles (though I sound more like Laura than you!) and have friends who I only see without their DCs cause we have an adult friendship aside from the children.

You don't have to be friends with anyone if you don't want to, but to be honest it sounds like your loss.

Be polite, but distant if you don't want to continue the friendship.

scratchet Mon 20-Jul-09 18:35:27

You describe her 'bad parenting', yet her tactics appear to be working better than your own.

I agree with soupdragon, you come across as jealous of her. You seem to look down on her for being poor, evidently, money isn't doing you any favours.

lucykate Mon 20-Jul-09 18:35:48

there are lots of other ways to discipline your ds without using smacking. my ds can be a real devil sometimes, but he's getting better. we've used a mixture of removing special toys and him having to earn them back, and also the naughty step (although the 'step' part didn't work for us so we've been putting him in his room for a few minutes as time out).

autumngold Mon 20-Jul-09 18:36:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComeOVeneer Mon 20-Jul-09 18:36:41

I agree with Sd. However if you can get beyond that, and you do wish this "Luara" to remain a friend I would do as others have said, meet childfree and discuss your concerns re your children and ask her what her secrets are. (only if you are prepared tochange your parenting ways obviously).

littlelamb Mon 20-Jul-09 18:37:22

Then the problem is that you are married to a twonk

LyraSilvertongue Mon 20-Jul-09 18:37:36

I do think you really need to relax a bit about your parenting. Don't just follow the books, do what feels natural to you. The books aren't always right.
And try not to be so anxious. For example, the watching them like a hawk thing in the park - how will they ever learn anything for themselves if you're always there to swoop in the second anything goes wrong.

crokky Mon 20-Jul-09 18:38:02

If it helps you, one of my children sounds like yours and my other one sounds like one of Laura's. Sometimes it is just the way they are - I have done everything in exactly the same way for both my DCs and they are quite different from eachother despite this.

PlumBumMum Mon 20-Jul-09 18:38:42

I can't understand why you wouldn't want your children socialisng with such well rounded children

junglist1 Mon 20-Jul-09 18:39:16

First of all, angry to your DH. That's very offensive to a lot of people.

Not judging you though, I think part of it could be the stress of dealing with challenging behaviour when you've put a lot of hard work in. Sometimes when my friends kids are being angels and mine are being little hooligans I hate it. It makes me feel bad. And resentful. Don't project it onto her though, if she's always been good to you she's worth keeping IMO. A lot of friends turn out to be shitty backstabbers.

Tortington Mon 20-Jul-09 18:42:43

so she makes you feel inadequate - thats why?

and she shouldn't shoud she - what with her being a council house commoner who smacks her kids and doesn't really give a shit.


Morloth Mon 20-Jul-09 18:43:38

I second your DH is a twonk (what an excellent word).

DH doesn't get to choose my friends (as he will happily tell you). Some of them he can't stand, same as some of his to me. It is tough luck.

DH also doesn't get much of a say in who DS plays with really because he isn't about.

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