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not to know what to do for the best

(10 Posts)
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 20-Jul-09 10:08:32

This probably isnt the right place to post this, but here goes.

Its my DDs birthday this week. She is 4. We are not doing a proper party for her this year, she is just having two little friends round for a picnic. I want to invite DDs godmother too, she has just had a baby boy, they usually come to DDs birthday "things" (last year was at the soft play and her godfather was in his element!).

The problem i have is, one of the mums of DDs little friend has just lost a baby (at six months pregnant and had a funeral for him and everything - all very sad). This was just four weeks ago - a week before my friend gave birth This lady is a good friend of mine too.

I don't want to exclude my friend but i don't want to upset the other mum. So i am going to invite my friend i think, but not sure whether to say anything to her.

Also, I don't want it to be a shock for my friend who lost her baby to arrive and see the baby here, but i;m worried that if i tell her that the baby will be here that she wont feel welcome. She has been to see her friend who had a baby girl recently and she said she was ok, but she broke down at a wedding because there were a couple of babies there (its only been four weeks bless her heart )

What do you think i should do - i was just about to post a facebook to godmother, but thought i would get my head around it first - any advice would be much appreciated.

ZippysMum Mon 20-Jul-09 10:15:50

Hello,
I think you are being very thoughtful. I have lost a number of pregnancies in the last few years (all before 12 weeks, bad enough but I imagine your friend is really going through it).
My only advice would be to talk to your friend - I went through so many stages of grief - my beautiful, perfect niece was born on the due date of one of the pregnancies I lost, and I couldn't bring myself to go and see her until she was over 3 weeks old. Having met her, though, spending time with her and other babies and children has been one of the great joys and highlights of the past few years, while me and dh battled with infertility. Your friend may be fine with spending time around babies, she may not be able to face it, but she needs to be able to make the choice herself.
Hope dd has a lovely birthday.

MaDuggar Mon 20-Jul-09 10:16:51

Id invite both, and quietly let the other mum know that a small baby will be there. That will give her time to get her head round it, and decide if she is ready.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 20-Jul-09 10:19:23

thankyou for sharing your experience zippy, I am very sorry for your losses.

Its so sad seeing my friend, she is trying so hard to hold it together for her DD. Its so difficult for her - she lost two babies while her friend was pregnant and her friend gave birth a week after she lost hers and this was about the time the first baby which she lost at 11 weeks would have been born - life is so very cruel sometimes.

FimbleHobbs Mon 20-Jul-09 10:23:46

I think you are being very thoughtful.

I suppose it must be very hard day to day for your friend, and she might not know if she can face it until she sees how she feels on the day of the picnic. In which case, if she can't face it, she might well feel even worse, her DC misses out on the picnic, your DC and the other DC miss having their friend there, and you will probably feel bad too.

So if you haven't invited DD's godmother yet, I probably wouldn't - as there is no 'party' this year you're not excluding her and you could always invite her at another day/time?

Maldiva Mon 20-Jul-09 10:35:16

I agree, you're being very thoughtful.

I would invite your DD's godmother as planned - it is your DD's birthday. However, I would give both women a heads-up and I would suggest to your friend who lost the baby that if she doesn't feel up to being around a newborn, you completely understand and she is welcome to simply drop her DD off and you'll look after her during the party.

Maldiva Mon 20-Jul-09 10:37:50

And to DD's godmother, I'd say: just to let you know, one of my friends who's coming recently lost a baby, around the time you gave birth, and understandably she's very upset about it, so if she's a little sensitive today, that will be why.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 20-Jul-09 12:15:09

i'll talk to my friend tomorrow, i sent godmother a message although i haven't mentioned anything else yet. I will wait and see if godmother gets back to me as she might not want to be driving yet, i think she is still very sore.

I am looking after friends DD tomorrow, she has got bereavement counselling, i might mention it to her before she goes as then she can talk it through and get it sraight in her head. I feel terrible for my friend, i never know what to say - she has pictures of the baby and his foot and hand prints and the other day she was talking about showing them to her step mum, i think she wanted me to ask to see them but it wasn't appropriate with the two DDs around as i think there would have been two mummies blubbing Maybe if we get some quiet time this week i might ask to see them - its so personal though.

It just makes me so angry

IsItMeOr Mon 20-Jul-09 12:31:33

So sad for your friend. I think the advice that you invite both of them and let them both know is sound. Usually leaving people to themselves is the worst thing to do, and they will say no to invites if they feel like it.

I know what you mean about being worried about blubbing in front of DCs, but so long as you are able to explain to them what it is about, then it may not be so bad as you think. Perhaps you think they're a little young just yet, though?

I am sure you are right that your friend would like you to see the pictures - they must be terribly precious to her. Do find a time when you can do it in an environment that feels right to you.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 20-Jul-09 13:42:42

Phew, dillema over, Godmother is not wanting to drive over on her own and is going to pop over at the weekend with Goddaddy in tow!

I will ask my friend to see the pictures next time i go to her house.

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