to be a bit cross with DD's friend?

[EccentricaGallumbits]

She is a lovely child. But one of those utterly annoying people who is good at everything.

I even like her mother, despite her being a bit intense and over-involved with her children.

DD is a strange and sensitive soul who does have issues with normal ife but she manages.

Now this friend of DDs tends to 'follow', while being a bit bossy and liking the fact that she tends to be good at stuff.

DD did dancing, friend joined a while later and excelled, DD felt a bit pushed out and stopped going.

DD started playing a musical insrument, a while later friend started too. Friend's mother has long and anguished converstaions about whether insrument is good enough and then gets a bigger, better, nicer one for her DD.

Friend came out of school waving her SATs reults under DDs nose saying oh didn't I do well, Is that all you got.

DD starts reading some theme of books, friend suddenly has all the same books and has read them quicker and tells DD what happens next, so DD doesn't bother to finish them.

Now DD has decided she wants to play a different instrument. I have arranged it with the teacher. This morning friends mum has rung to say as friend has decided she wants to do the same thing she has arranged with teacher they share lessons.

DD is a bit cross. As am I. Why can she not do something different?
I'm finding I am constantly trying to boost DD a bit and explain how she can't be cross for friend's decisions and how much fun they'll have together etc etc etc.

[Sparkletastic]

I can see why you are annoyed but YAB a tiny bit U. I think if your DD was a bit more secure in herself then she would enjoy having a friend to share in her interests. Is the friend really so good at everything or is it more that DD lacks confidence? There are always annoying folk in life that seem to do everything well. I guess DD needs to decide which activities she really enjoys and stop seeing it as a competition. How about replacing the dancing with something else and trying to pick something unlikely to appeal to friend - campanology or somesuch....

[fuzzywuzzy]

Can you not ask the music teacher to ensure the girls stay apart, because you want your DD to mix with lots of different people and make new friends etc etc???

From a childs perspective, I would also be annoyed, the other girl tho, does she have any friends apart from your DD?

[TheProvincialLady]

TBH some of this sounds like over sensitivity on your/your DD part. Like her friend joining dancing and being better at it than her, or getting a better musical instrument than her. This is normal life. Children copy their friends.

I think you are reasonable to be irritated that friend's mother has organised joint lessons without your agreement but is she aware (and is the friend?) that you are trying to give your DD something to do for herself without her friend? Perhaps you should both be honest with this friend and her mother.

And maybe your DD needs some help with things to say with people who boast and try to put her down, because her friend's behaviour over the SATs was not very nice. If she had a better coping strategy then maybe she would see this copying behaviour as more flattering, less annoying.

[Notalone]

It sounds to me like the mother and daughter both lack imagination and may actually be a little insecure themselves. If you re read your post, everything your DD does this girl tends to copy or follow. In fact after I have re read your post I think this is definitly the case after you mention the anguished conversations over musical instruments.

However, YANBU. This must be bloody annoying for both of you and extremely frustrating for your poor DD who cannot have anything that is "hers". I know she does not have exclusive rights to any of these activities but something of her own may be nice. Do they got to the same school? Perhaps you should look into enrolling DD into an activity of her choice but away from school / your area. Perhaps she might like to do drama, karate, gym or brownies. I would avoid mentioning this to your friend if you can and maybe have a little bit of distance over the holidays so your DD can blossom in her own right and maybe make some other friends who do not seem to want to be better all the time.

BTW you sound like a fantastic mum - your response to this has been great.

[EccentricaGallumbits]

I have been giving her the copying/flattery spiel. and pointing out the good things about sharing lessons etc. And I do encourage DD to do other stuff.

Just seems like every time I turn around this friend is doing the same stuff as DD and doing it better. It is some over sensitivity on my part I know. DD isn't good at coping with most hings and she is getting increasingly Pd off. I am vaguely hoping they both make other friends at secondary school.
On the plus side this kid is a nice girl and is a good influence on DD who is far more rebellious and naughty than she is.

[sleeplessinstretford]

Children copy each other.
it's not this other kids fault that she is better at doing something than her mate.
You are perfectly in your rights to not share a music lesson (although DD's mate will probably fly past your dd and be moved up a group quite quickly anyway...)
I think it is a valuable lesson for your dd to learn that she can't be best at everything all the time, there must be something that DD can do that the other one can't- play to her strengths and leave it at that.