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families and facebook...arg

(16 Posts)
ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 10:40:18

sorry this will probably be quite long.

I am 22 and nearly 26 weeks pg with first very much wanted and planned for baby with DP of 6 years.

I am also biologically orphaned. my bio mum died when i was ten my darling dad when i was 17 (and on my first ever hol alone but that is a whole other trauma) i have my two sisters who i love dearly, and my step-mum who i call mum, and is probably a better mum than my bio mum would have been as although i was only ten i think my mum had some mentla health issues, she certainly had abusive partners, and one of my ealriest memories is being thrown through a glass coffee table by one of these men. As Ive grown older ive come to realise that i think she had a toxic upbringing which explains some of the issue im getting to i think.

since my dad died, my step mum has been there for me, her family have always treated me like i was one of them (shes been around since i was 5) and they mean the world to me along with my dads family and DPs family.

as you would expect my family (i.e step mum, DP's and dads) have been thrilled for us etc, however my mums family have been quite awful

My mums family consited of a brother my uncle who has two children a femal cousin we will call N and a male one, my uncle is now divorced but likes to go to raves hmm whatever floats your boat!also my mums mum, and my mums dad and wife. My grandad died a few years ago, and he was in all truth a bit of a bastard. My nan is still alive but i have only seen her twice in my whole life as her and my mother hated each other. To give you an example of this ladies character the second of the times i saw her, my dad drove me forty miles to a resort where she was spending christmas as she demanded to see me then, she made me call him an hour later to collect me, as she had to go into dinner, and was unpleasant to me (a 12 yr old) when it took him a while to get back!! this is my only memory of her, as i dont remember the first visit.

Anyway that has all been backstory. MY AIBU is would ibu to cut them out of my life?

Cousin N found me on facebook, i accepted her friend request as i have nothing against her, but startedc getting hte "you should come down" etc tec. This became worse when my pg became public, and i have now had a text saying that i am unfair etc as my nan is dissappointed i am pg so young, and i am not married (WTF???) plus i havent called her to tell her so she is hurt??!?!

i dont see my nan, she never calls, and when i was a ten year old left motherless, and abducted by my grandad (go dont ask, my dad actually had to come and abduct me back, and my grandad still tried to get me back despite, at ten me telling everyone i wanted to be with my dad)she didnt do anything, call write or whatever. she didnt even attend her own daughters funeral ( i was banned from going by grandfather - again dont ask), she writes to me then if i dont respond straight away (work being pg having a life etc do tend to mean it takes me say a week) she writes to my dads dad, to complain of my "WAYS".

I had agreed to go up to see them all aug 8th but i think it will all just be too much aggro. I definately dont want them involved with my child and feel no fondness for them. AIBU to just cut them off? also how is the best way to do that?

I was thinking of writing a very clear and unoffensive email (cathartic possibly) but friends say i should just let it go and ignore them????

SOrry this is so long

AppleandMosesMummy Sun 19-Jul-09 10:42:58

block the buggers

Cesario Sun 19-Jul-09 10:46:53

Heavens!

How difficult for you, especially at this time.

Do you want them in your life?
If you don't then a short note saying you cannot come down on the 8th (illness or something) and then ignore the rest of the communication.

If you go into detail then you might be heading for a fall out which you may not need or want to deal with at this time.

You have to decide how you want to deal with this

NoBiggy Sun 19-Jul-09 10:47:05

Yeah, what she said.

ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 10:47:06

its not as simple as the facebook contact, its all the letters and the texts

ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 10:48:35

sorry x posts cesario, I dont want to go down, I could wuite happliy never hear from any of them again, they do not feel like family but part of me feels guilty for this though? like i should try as they are my bio mums flesh n blood?

Cesario Sun 19-Jul-09 10:52:52

If you do not want to go then you need to look at why you feel guilty.

They are your bio mums flesh and blood but all evidence suggests that she was 'toxic' and these relatives who could have made your young life easier did not do that.

How would you feel if you postponed the visit for now until you knew how you might deal with this, until you became clearer in your mind?

ihatethecold Sun 19-Jul-09 10:53:02

trust your insticts on this one
thay sound toxic to me.
why not just have people around you and involved in your life that make you feel happy. just because your related doesnt mean they have an automatic right to you and your time.

ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 10:59:01

thanks both of you, i suppose i think my guilt comes from calling my step mum, mum. I would never dream of calling anyone else dad. I remember when my dad met my step mum, my mum actually saying before i went to visit dont you call her mum. I suppose that shows she was a tad unbalanced. her side of the family have in the past had a go at me for integrating myself into my step mums family...but its not something i feel i should feel guilty about?

I dont htink i will go on the visit, i have quite painful SPD, and it would be aggravated by the journey, so i think i will just tell them that?

I am having my DC christened mainly bacause it gives everyone the oppurtunity to come together, and meet the baby, and also see each other. DP said what about inviting them to that but i feel that is the last thing i want to do.

PArt of me thinks perhaps this granmother is just a lonely old lady who doesnt know how to put her feelings accross better but that doesnt change the way i dislike her.

I would just like to forget them, but with out telling them this i dont think they will leave me alone...

LadyPinkofPinkerton Sun 19-Jul-09 10:59:40

I don't think you should feel guilty about cutting them out of your life. I understand why yuo do as they are family, but they are not good for you at all.

Make your life simpler and nicer by having nothing more to do with them.

kif Sun 19-Jul-09 11:01:43

sad for you. Sounds very hard.

Katisha Sun 19-Jul-09 11:07:02

I do rather feel that having a baby doesn't mean you have to allow all sorts of unbalanced and controlling people into your life, just because there is a family connection.

As your baby grows older he will have school friends and loal friends and these people will be much more important to him/her than a bunch of people who are rarely seen, and yet who seem to think they can issue orders and comments from afar.

I suppose you'll ust have to accept that you will continue to be painted as some sort of wicked person, but frankly you don't need them and they only need you in order to have someone to complain about.

Ignore them. Go quiet. Don't reply. Don't engage. Live your life.

silverten Sun 19-Jul-09 11:30:02

Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean they have an automatic right to a relationship with you.

That right is earned and maintained by good, caring behaviour.

No one is allowed to be horrible to you and there is no reason you should feel obliged to let anyone do so.

You are an adult and you are allowed to say "I'm not putting up with that nonsense" if they are being mad.

risingstar Sun 19-Jul-09 12:07:39

think about how you want your family to be going forward.

you will have your babysmile

You will have your other halfsmile

you will have your lovely step mum and cosmile

you very clearly know that you want to leave the rest of them in the past where they belong.

give yourself permission to do so.

ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 18:46:27

thanks all for such good advice, I think i will take it and just go quiet, not reply etc andjust ignore, as like you have said, the past is best left there, they have done nothing to earn or deserve a relationship and are not going to be apositive influence on my child, so nothing lost. Thanks all

KIMItheThreadSlayer Sun 19-Jul-09 18:51:32

Delete them from your facebook, block them (personal settings) and for the love of pete stay away from them they all sound mad.

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