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not to ring this woman back.

(28 Posts)
maria1665 Sat 18-Jul-09 15:38:24

DS (aged 11) and another boy have been together through school, although boy has bullied DS and other children throughout.

His mum is a friend of mine, though things are pretty tense re relationship between our sons. This year, DS has succeeded in making three firm friends and I am taking all four to cinema as a belated birthday treat. 'Other boy' not invited, (at DS' request) though I have always invited him in the past to birthday do's etc. DS did go to his party earlier this year.

Other boy's mum rang me last night irate that her son had not been invited, saying I had left him devastated. She then got son to ring up to ask why he had not been invited. (She's a headmistress!)

I was completely taken aback and mumbled something about not wanting to upset anyone, and I would speak to DS.

Now I am just really cross at her behaviour, and I don't feel under any obligation to ring her, or have anything more to do with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

Mamazon Sat 18-Jul-09 15:41:33

id be furious if a mum got her child to do that to me.
that awful. its emotiponal blackmail at its worst.

I would phone her back and tell her precisely why her son wasn't invited. try and stay calm and explain that its not an entire class thing so he hasn't been left out, but that instead he wanted only a couple of close friends to attend.

if she is still being a cow tell her straight that actually her son is a bully and you dont want him there.

hayley2u Sat 18-Jul-09 15:41:33

just tell her if she phones you, exactly what is going on, and then maybe she may see it in a differnt light, is she aware of the situation. she prob thinking it a blow to her . i dont think your unreasonable

HarrySaundersSphincter Sat 18-Jul-09 15:42:08

YANBU - she is bullying you like her son bullies yours.

Erm - why are you friends with her exactly??

maria1665 Sat 18-Jul-09 15:46:36

It is bullying, isn't it.

Apart from where our sons' relationship is concerned, she and I get on splendidly. Or at least we did. This has all got a bit toxic.

KIMItheThreadSlayer Sat 18-Jul-09 15:49:48

YANBU tell her her son is a little shit and a bully and no one wants him there.

That should also get rid of her

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 18-Jul-09 15:50:09

She sounds awful. She has probably convinced herself that her son can't be that bad as long as he is accepted socially. Him being excluded from things will perhaps being giving her an unpleasant reality check. Sounds like she has taught him everything he knows though!

Stand up for yourself and DS, and tell her he isn't invited and why.

VaginaShmergina Sat 18-Jul-09 15:52:50

She has shown her true colours and now maybe that explains the sons behaviour !!!

Bout time she heard the whole truth and was removed from your Christmas Card list !

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 18-Jul-09 15:55:41


It all is down to do you want to keep a friendship with her and try to sort things out with the boys.

If you don't, don't ring her.

If you do, ring her and tell her the truth but be prepared for her to go nuclear.

TheCrackFox Sat 18-Jul-09 15:59:36

Sounds like the boy takes after his mother.

If she is a really good friend then ring her. Try to explain truthfully, but tactfully, the lack of an invite. She won't like what you have to say but it might do her son some good.

If you aren't that bothered by her friendship then don't bother ringing her back.

cornsillk Sat 18-Jul-09 16:05:59

Were they 'best friends' prior to this or just in the same gang of friends?

MummyDragon Sat 18-Jul-09 16:31:07

I agree with Mamazon. (Spendid name!). This woman sounds horrible - and she's a headmistress so she really ought to know better. Don't phone her.

TsarChasm Sat 18-Jul-09 16:40:25

Absolutely agree with everyone. She sounds appalling.

You're going to have to say the words by the looks of things. I'd be unhappy with the inevitable 'confrontation' because I do hate being pushed into a corner, but you are being pushed here.

You'll have to be strong by the sounds of it. She sounds quite formidable.

maria1665 Sat 18-Jul-09 17:31:57

Other boy sees DS as his best friend, because he only has one other friend.

The fact of my friendship with mum has prolonged the agony for DS, no doubt about it. That's my cock up. But I think we have all been waiting for other boy to calm down and improve - he hasn't.

I spoke to her in May saying that I didn't care whether her son was beating up other kids - it was the fact that he was hitting MY kid that I had a major problem with, especially when he would then claim to be DS's best friend. (I always knew when there would be a bad incident, because DS would come home with collectable toys other the boy had given him, presumably in an attempt to make amends.)

Again she agreed entirely, saying that son did the same to his little sister, to the point of leaving her concussed once, and she would speak to him. But no improvement in behaviour, and now here we are.

Thanks for all the comments. Alibaba has got it spot on I think - him being socially excluded for his behaviour makes the whole situation much more serious from her point of you- hence the phone calls last night.

I don't think I am going to ring her - I'm still pissed off - with her and with me for letting it get to this point. Six weeks holiday and a probable dose of swine flu will hopefully mean a fresh start at a new school for everyone.

As for the friendship - it just won't work with the two boys. Its been the elephant in the room throughout.

CarGirl Sat 18-Jul-09 17:38:37

If you do decide to speak to her you can say truthfully say that your ds's best friends are x, y, z and that is who he wanted at his birthday treat.

Perhaps you can ring and leave an answerphone message!

paisleyleaf Sat 18-Jul-09 17:39:49


It sounds an unhealthy relationship for your DS, and he's lucky to have nice friends inspite of perhaps being associated with a lad who is beating up other kids.
It's a shame that his moving away from the boy will probably affect your own friendship - but so be it, I think.

Sounds like he, and she, are used to getting what they want.

sweetfall Sat 18-Jul-09 17:45:14

I'd be cross.

But are you sure that 'she got her ds to ring' - he's 11 so surely he did it off his own back.

I'd phone her to be honest, I'd say "I'm sorry but DS has decided who he wants for his birthday and these are the people he has chosen. I think it's probably just the ongoing physical violence and bullying issues that you are more than aware of and you can't blame an 11 year old for choosing to invite people who don't hurt him. I completely support him and I'm sorry your DS is upset but maybe you should use it to bolster your actions have consequences talk"

maria1665 Sat 18-Jul-09 18:19:52

Oh yes - I could hear her voice in the background.

Trouble is - the other boy can be a really sweet kid, but is really emotional, and this then manifests itself as violence. The other kids walk around on egg shells trying not to offend him.

But no - it is not my problem any more. (Maria draws line in the sand.)

cornsillk Sat 18-Jul-09 18:51:58

I can understand why he and his mum are upset about him not being invited if he views ds as his best friend. She was way out of order to phone you though.

Shintz Sat 18-Jul-09 18:59:25

There is a theory that suggests that our kids enact our 'private' feelings/ emotions.

How exactly did you befriend this woman and why? Once you have the answer to this riddle you will be able to decide for yourself wether or not to continue with your friendship. Good luck.

simplesusan Sat 18-Jul-09 19:20:20

YANBU but she is.

Hope all goes well for you and your son.
Agree with the other posters, I don't think I would ring her but if you do happen to speak to her say that under the circumstances your ds wanted to invite the other kids and doesn't feel that he is as good a friend with her ds now.

Longtalljosie Sat 18-Jul-09 19:20:25

It sounds like this boy has major anger management / emotional problems. He left his sister concussed?!

Frankly, this sounds like an excellent opportunity for his mother to teach him a valuable life lesson - that he can't force friendship, and that if he is violent, he will alienate people.

What a pity she's neglected to do so, and is putting the blame on everyone else...

echt Sat 18-Jul-09 20:17:16

I'd say what sweetfall suggests, but without using the word "sorry" at all. You've done nothing to apologise for.

QOD Sat 18-Jul-09 20:29:11

been there got the tshirt
awful isnt it

katiestar Sat 18-Jul-09 20:48:08

Can't help feeling a teensy bit sorry for the boy.He is probably a bit tense about going up to secondary ,and to find his one and only friend has ditched him for new friends 6 weeks before must be very unsettling.

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