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not to have told my friend this rumour?

(25 Posts)
Momdeguerre Fri 17-Jul-09 22:17:59

My friend met her current husband 8 years ago, he was married at the time but they ended up together and, after a few ups and downs got married last year. I am friends with both her and her husband and we all work for the same organisation.

I have known her for 10 years and consider her to be a close friend.

About 6 months before they got married she caught him in bed with another woman - in their bed, at their home. It turned out he had been having an affair with her for several months. My friend was devastated but refused to talk about it, she changed alot as a result and became quite withdrawn. She married him and often refers to the incident by talking about the woman involoved and how she clearly went after her husband etc She has never ever suggested that it may have been his fault or that he was responsible.

I try not to judge, she is an adult, I decided that it was my place to support her decision and that is what I have done.

About three months ago I started to hear rumours that he was seeing another woman who works in his dept. I I heard several versions from a different people but must admit that I dismissed most of them as just gossip - my job is terrible for gossip. However, in the last few weeks I heard more rumours of his having blatent affairs with other women, several of them. Everything I knew was second hand - I had no evidence to suggest it might be true and on that basis I decided not to tell my friend.

A couple of weeks ago he was disciplined at work for having innapropriate relationships with numerous women at work. The rumours appear to have been true.

My friend and I met that night because she was obviously upset. She had already decided that she is staying with him and that he is not to blame. She asked me if I had heard any rumour in the weeks leading up to this and I confessed that I had. She was really quite cross with me - she said that I should have told her and that if I had then this would have prevented him from being disciplined at work and that, as her friend, I owed it to her to pass this information on.

AIBU not to have passed this info on?

dollius Fri 17-Jul-09 22:21:35

No, you couldn't know that the rumours were true - why would anyone want to devastate a good friend with unfounded gossip?

She is just venting at you because she won't allow herself to admit that her husband is a shit, and get angry with him.

Just be there for her when she needs you. You sound like a good friend - try to forgive her rantings.

paranoidmother Fri 17-Jul-09 22:21:45

I think whatever you did she was going to be upset and would she have believed you if you had told her.
This way you can say that you didn't know if they were true until he was disiplined at work and hadn't wanted to pass on gossip.

DesperateHousewifeToo Fri 17-Jul-09 22:23:18

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I think.

I find it fascinating how people often blame the other person and not their partnet when this type of thing happens.

Very sad situation. I don't think I would have done anything different, tbh. I hope she continues to let you be there for her.

Hassled Fri 17-Jul-09 22:25:06

I think I would have done the same as you. You couldn't have won either way, could you? If you had passed unsubstantiated gossip on to her, she would have shot you down on the basis that it was unsubstantiated.

I can't quite believe that she's even bothered about the disciplinary issue - a drop in the ocean compared to her other problems. A really odd reaction.

YANBU.

KingCanuteIAm Fri 17-Jul-09 22:30:54

I agree that you were always going to be in the wrong. Do you think you and your friend could have a selectively frank discussion? Explain to her that you want to support her in her relationship but you are not sure how best to do that, tell her you did not know if the rumours were true and did not want to upset her with possible lies so said nothing. Ask her to tell you what you want her to do in the future - possibly present it that, as he has now been disciplined, you expect other people will say similar things because people so love to gossip regardless of truth (or other words that will divert her from thinking you expect him to do it again).

TBH I suspect she is going to need a supportive freind around in the future, even if she does not realise it yet sad

Momdeguerre Fri 17-Jul-09 22:32:00

Thanks - she is a lovely girl - just wished she had married someone who was nicer to her.

We are still on good terms - just made me wonder if I had made the wrong choice - she implied it was not for me to decide on whether she should know about this gossip.

Momdeguerre Fri 17-Jul-09 22:33:28

Kingcanute - sad, but I think you are right. Have a horrible feeling this won't be the last time this happens.

JoesMummy09 Fri 17-Jul-09 22:33:52

YANBU.

He sounds like a good case for chemical castration.

PlumBumMum Fri 17-Jul-09 22:36:47

Agree with all the other posters you were definitely in a no win situation,
if you had told her the rumours she would have denied it, and then she might have been too embarassed to approach you when she needed you
you did the right thing

roneef Fri 17-Jul-09 22:45:35

YANBU

An uncomfortable situation for you to be in.

I really don't envy you.

Unfair of her to pressure you.

Not your job to tell her \bout unfounded rumours.

Pikelit Fri 17-Jul-09 22:45:59

Poor girl. He's clearly a serial philanderer. However I don't think you were unreasonable in keeping these rumours to yourself. Because at the time, rumours were all they were and as you have said, you work in an environment noted for gossip. A good friend doesn't rush off to report unsubstantiated rumours and you acted thoughtfully in keeping things quiet until the facts emerged.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 17-Jul-09 22:52:22

you were in a no win situation

but

as she was a close friend, and her dh had been unfaithful before

and no smoke without fire ......

you SHOULD have told her what you had heard

Momdeguerre Fri 17-Jul-09 22:59:01

Horrible situation for her. Feel very frustrated that there is nothing I can do but offer support, I actually worry that she is the victim of some sort of psychological abuse - she has such low self esteem since meeting him but she refuses to even discuss anything negative about him sad.

She was very different a few years ago, very strong and confident. Don't think it helps that they have been TTC for about 4 years too.

All a bit of a mess really.

Pikelit Fri 17-Jul-09 23:01:05

But with respect, blondeshavemorefun, what if what the OP had heard turned out to be absolute nonsense? Sharing the information would have caused her friend a great deal of unnecessary pain and wouldn't have improved the state of her marriage either!

Doodle2u Fri 17-Jul-09 23:02:45

You did the right thing I think - never, ever get involved with second-hand rumours. Deal only in FACTS.

She'll wake up soon enough and realise. Be there for her when she does.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 17-Jul-09 23:19:48

true pikelit but still if i was OP i would have said something - for several people to say the same thing, and with several woman

but thats just me smile
as i said

damned if you did, damned if you didnt

katiestar Sat 18-Jul-09 21:00:59

YANBU
Damned if you did and damned if you didn't.Don't dwell on it your friend is obviously very upset and casting around for people to blame.

simplesusan Sat 18-Jul-09 23:01:30

My thoughts are this.
Op you have done nothing wrong.
The guy was MARRIED when your "friend" started seeing him, of course it will have been all his ex wife's fault.
Then he blatently shags another woman in your friend's own bed, again not his fault the poor defenseless dickhead.
Next he spends his time shagging many different women,who happen to work alongside his current wife, again none of it his doing.
Even his boss has to step in at his misconduct re sexual advances, is this guy Michael Douglas in disguise????

Now it is all your fault that the sex addict is shagging abosolutely anything with a whole in it.

tbh if your so called friend had any brain cells she would have stopped at the first post ie when she found out that he was in fact married to someone else.
Sorry but I would tell her to find another mug to blame and get over herself, she is just another shag on his bed post and find yourself a better, nicer friend.

siouxsiesiouxandthebanshees Sun 19-Jul-09 00:17:00

Oh Sue, harsh but true

addicted2weddings Sun 19-Jul-09 00:33:52

what would of been the point? the silly women obviously doesn't care how much he fucks around.

addicted2weddings Sun 19-Jul-09 00:36:27

would have been blush

thumbwitch Sun 19-Jul-09 00:40:47

YAsoNBU

Your friend is in serious denial/desperate mode and needs her head read.

If you had said anything you would have been shot down in flames and she knows it too - she is just looking for someone, anyone, to blame other than the real culprit - her fuckaround moron of a husband.

If you care a lot about her, be there for her whenver she does come to her senses - if you're not that bothered, step away cos it will drive you mad that she can't see him for what he is.

Momdeguerre Mon 20-Jul-09 21:26:18

Simplesusan - I don't disagree with any of your comments about him at all, and to an extent, about my friend - she is a very nice girl but she has changed so dramatically since they have been together that I am actually pretty concerned for her mental health.

I won't desert her - I felt hurt by her comments but I think they are a reflection of the damage he has done to her rather than an attack on me - just needed some objective thoughts on whether I might actually have done something that is right for me but might generally be considered selfish - I can't deny that there was an element of cowardice involved on my part.

pinkspottywellies Mon 20-Jul-09 21:41:48

I notice that most responses refer to the upset that might've been caused to the friend by the OP telling the gossip.

If you read the OP you'll see that the friend wanted to know about the romours so she could've stopped the husband getting the disciplinary at work. She's not upset about the subject of the disciplinary by the sound of it!

So many issues. You had no chance of getting it right OP and FWIW I think you've done the right thing.

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