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too not attend my bil wedding might be a bit long

(24 Posts)
slushy06 Fri 17-Jul-09 17:46:46

I am currently 40 weeks pg and the wedding is 4 weeks away. I also have a 3 year old ds My dp is best man so I will have to try to bf dd and control ds.

The backround is the wedding requires an overnight stay for which I have booked the room. However my son will be expected to behave as they have said no toys allowed at church after sitting in a hot car for 3 hours. Worse still I don't drive so will have to go up with mil which will put me in a bad mood. My dp is being dropped of somewhere else. Mil is looking after Sils 9 month old so will be unable to help me.

In addition to this we are struggling for money at the moment and Bil has said we have to pay for best man suit and complained that we won't pay the extra money for his chosen hotel when we found one half the price less that five minutes away. Also with other expenses we are expected to cough up about 300 pound and we will be short on money anyway due to paternity leave that month.

Bil has also said he will not be coming to see the baby as it is to difficult for him at the moment.
I have also been asked to put up two drunken men and stay over my mothers in two weeks

AIBU to not go to the church and meet up with them after the ceremony for photos and evening party. What do you think?

slushy06 Fri 17-Jul-09 17:51:13

I should add that my son was told he could be page boy and was later told he couldn't as sil has the eldest son so he will be page boy and they sadly double booked. So I am feeling a little hard done by anyway to struggle through the day but am wondering if I am being hormonal.

cornsillk Fri 17-Jul-09 17:55:22

I probably wouldn't go to the wedding at all in those circumstances. Do not put anyone up - very cheeky.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 17-Jul-09 17:57:37

I wouldn't go either.

Your DP can go alone.

You will be a bit busy with a new baby and young child..

And if you did go, they would only complain everyone is looking at the baby and not the bride and groom..grinwink

saintdobby Fri 17-Jul-09 18:01:12

God, don't go

It will be really stressful for you and ds

It's fine, and everyone will understand

grin FBG

allaboutme Fri 17-Jul-09 18:01:58

stay home with baby and ds and do not put any one up, you'll be too busy.
If you are 40 weeks now, you could easily be giving birth in 2 weeks at the very time the drunk men want to stay - ridiculous idea

stuffitlllama Fri 17-Jul-09 18:02:52

I think you should do what suits you and your son. Sounds perfectly alright to me. It won't be noticeable.

I would probably not go at all.. I think you are already making a tremendous effort. Do what you need to do, you are justified. Totally.

slushy06 Fri 17-Jul-09 18:03:23

Thanks I just feel very guilty as my dp family have made this wedding as difficult as possible for the bride and groom and I don't want them to think that I am doing this just to be nasty.

MorrisZapp Fri 17-Jul-09 18:05:16

Surely you can't think there's any question of it actually being unreasonable not to go?

Nobody would go in those circumstances.

Politely say no - nobody will question it at all.

slushy06 Fri 17-Jul-09 18:09:51

Morris dp family can be difficult and they already think I am being precious and silly for even suggesting not attending.

But I just wanted to double check that I am NBU before I let them know so that I can be ready to argue. Dp supports me fully though so I should be okay.

stuffitlllama Fri 17-Jul-09 18:17:14

They are being precious and silly about you attending, not the other way around.

ConnieComplaint Fri 17-Jul-09 18:47:18

YANBU!!

I wouldn't darken the Church door!! Especially if they have said your son isn't allowed a toy!! That's shocking!

My niece gets married in 6 weeks time & we got our invite today... imagine my shock when it said Connie, DH & kids!!! I have two, but on my family ALONE there are 18 grandkids, 8 adults with partners... on the other side (this is her mum's family) there are 12 adult & about 30 kids...

that doesn't include the grooms aunts/uncles & cousins!!!

It will be a huge, lovely, mad family affair!

TheProfiteroleThief Fri 17-Jul-09 18:54:35

pmsl at no toys in church.

Send nice card and present and explain that your delicate condition makes attendance imposs. Houseguests obv not possible

crokky Fri 17-Jul-09 18:56:47

You could leave your 3yo at home with someone (if you have someone suitable) and just go with your baby so that you just have to look after her.

How can you go to the evening party at all? Your baby might only be a few days old and surely it would be too noisy?

crokky Fri 17-Jul-09 18:57:41

Oh and no houseguests when you are heavily pg/just given birth. That's ridiculous - tell them they are being silly expecting to stay at that time.

completelyabsolutely Fri 17-Jul-09 22:44:21

Good lord woman - you must be hormonal if you need to ask if you are being unreasonable - of course you are not!

Tell them all to bugger off, especially no drunken men in the house - wtf! You could have a tiny baby/actually be in labour/be so overdue you will want to deck anyone that crosses your path - delete as appropriate. Why the bloody hell should you be expected to get out of your own house to accommodate guests - they should be staying in a hotel if they need somewhere to stay.

At 40 weeks you have enough to be stressed about without this. Stay at home with your ds and new bub and have someone to come around if possible to give you a hand - just as a back up in case you need it (think I would have wept at the thought of my dp going away for a night so soon but you may be much braver than me blush )

Oh and get dp to tell them - they are his family and you really don't need the stress at this time.

I now have a total feeling of outrage on your behalf - give me their number - I will tell them grin

Momdeguerre Fri 17-Jul-09 22:51:02

YANBU!

Think it is perfectly acceptable to bow out given that you will have to try and muster a three yr old and a newborn.

Your DH is going - think it is enough that he will be leaving you with a newborn and your DS.

Pikelit Fri 17-Jul-09 22:55:25

I had both my sons at 42 weeks so the very idea of struggling with what is expected of you at the same stage of pg fills me with horror! Someone should be looking after you, not expecting you to be providing accommodation for drunks or having to travel 3 hours to spend a weekend trying to cope in a hotel while everyone else enjoys a wedding. It's completely impossible if all goes well but what if you have a complicated birth or, a newborn who needs extra medical attention? Far better for you to stay home.

Arcadie Fri 17-Jul-09 23:13:45

Slushy just to add extra force to the damning weight of evidence..... DO NOT put yourself or your sanity or your health or your DS through ANY of this. Bad enough DP has to go. DO NOT!!!! Look after yourself, get your Mum to come and help, Oldest DD will be is a month - youngest is about 2 weeks old. DRIVING for 3 hours with a 2 week old!!! Yeeek - I shudder to think about it.

Really hope this thread gives you the confidence in your own ability to say "actually, I 'll just watch the video of the wedding in a few months time and that'll be enough. Hope you have a lovely day BIL and SIL."

Whatever you decide - best wishes for your newborn and hope DS LOVES being a big brother.

newgirl Fri 17-Jul-09 23:26:43

surely your dp should be sorting all this out? what is he thinking having people to stay when you will be pregnant/baby due?

i would think you should go to the wedding, but that your dp should be making it really easy for you and new baby - eg driving you there, making sure you have what you need, toys etc. yes he is best man, but you have new baby etc - he can manage both surely?

paisleyleaf Fri 17-Jul-09 23:31:50

groomzilla. No toys!? Arsey about the hotel.
They sound bossy and stressy (it's going to be hard for them to have a nice day).
yanbu at all.

slushy06 Sat 18-Jul-09 10:23:40

Thanks ladies I just needed to check as I do know my dp mum IBU but over the years I find I have sadly started accepting bad behaviour more,I also know she is going to cry to dp we are being unreasonable because she wants to get baby on her own for a night.

She is pulling out all the stops to interfere as this is fourth and possibly last granchild as BIL has fertility problems but this is the only girl. I need to start standing up more as she is already showing signs of being unfair to my son I guess me and dp should see this as a practice run. She has been quite in her element happily thinking she gets me and baby overnight.

But I can show dp this now and then he wont need to feel guilty when everyone is crying and I may even show MIL this thread with your consent. He has already put a stop to the stag party staying at the house and has said he will tackle one issue at a time and will sort out the wedding issue next week.

He sometimes dosn't realise how bad his family can be as he spent all his life being told that they were normal But we are on child no 2 now and he has started seeing things more clearly and standing up more better late than never.

Ironically the bride is a childminder who helps run a nursery between a few of them so she should know better about the toys really.

zipzap Sun 19-Jul-09 23:21:17

If you go to 42 weeks you'll only be 2 weeks after the birth when this all happens - and a 3 hour drive is a really bad idea. I got a dvt after ds2 because I wasn't able to move around enough (a very hungry baby!) and that was being at home and being free to move - when not feeding ds IYSWIM! But 3 hours in a car - sounds a very bad idea.

Can you speak to your midwife and get her on side, get her to say that she thinks it is a really bad idea - for as many reasons as possible (from dvt to swine flu to settling in feeding /sleeping etc routines to not supposed to spend longer than an hour (?can't remember exact time!, might be 2 but definitely not 3) in a car seat when very little.... always sounds better when you have medical person saying not a good idea to go!

good luck and you are definitely NBU in staying at home. If you were really lucky would your DH be able to take your ds1 with him - not ideal for ds1 I know, but would give you a chance for some heavy duty bonding with your new baby rather than running around looking after a toddler and baby. I know when I had ds2, it was looking after ds1 that felt difficult.

slushy06 Mon 20-Jul-09 10:06:54

little update
My dp has decided to let them know next time his mum and groom are together. So he has said I should have a sleep next time his family are together so he can tell them

But ds can't go as he is really clingy to me at the moment and I think it would really upset him he also will not listen to anyone but me but he is being an angel for me though.

My mum will sleep over to help though so might be a nice girly night inhmm. She is also great with bf as she did all hers.

*Zip zap* I am glad you said about the dvt as I hadn't thought of that and I had dvt while pg with ds1 so there is not really any argument against that.

Thanks to all who advised as I feel much more confidant and less guilty at saying I won't attend now.

Bil knew my due date before any wedding date was decided so If my attendance was that important I am sure he would have done it another time. I wouldn't book my wedding at a date when I knew it was likely my sister could not come.

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