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Advice needed about something please.....

(15 Posts)
VeronicaMars Fri 17-Jul-09 12:21:20

We have a son who is just gone on three, there are kids next door as well a bit older but they all play well together. It has gotten to the stage though where the dad seems to think he can just drop his kids into us just because they ask. My son does go into their house as well but I'm sick of it having to be every evening taking turns.
Today he called with the kids and my child minder told him they were getting ready to go out and he seemed annoyed. She felt sorry for the kids and for my lo but it meant he would be free to do nothing while somebody that I pay looks after his kids as well as mine.
I'm rambling now but he has really pissed my minder off. He's very opinionated and forward about things so dropping his kids off would be nothing to him. Please give me some advice. They live right next door so I don't want to fall out with them.
Also he obviously has the kids today because workwise is not as busy as his wife. His wife doesn't just drop the kids off like that either.
I know I need to say something to him but what do I say when from previous conversations I know that he thinks he is right and nobody else is. Phew I'm working so I'll check back in. Thanks ladies.

Wordweaver Fri 17-Jul-09 12:26:52

Could you say something to his wife? If she doesn't do what he does then she may well see your point of view.

Helen31 Fri 17-Jul-09 12:28:11

It sounds as if your DS is going around to their house every other evening, so perhaps a place you could start is to try and break that pattern, by saying "oh we want to have some family time with DS" on an evening when it would his turn to go to theirs. If you do that a couple of times, then it should not be a surprise to them when you also start doing it on the evenings when they think it is their turn to come to yours.

I'm not surprised minder is fed up - you're paying her to look after one 3yo, not him and two older kids as well! I would be inclined to say to his wife (who sounds much more reasonable) that it's not okay to drop their kids off with the childminder as she's complained to you about it. Let her sort her own DH out!

VeronicaMars Fri 17-Jul-09 12:38:00

Yes she might see my point of view. I have tried the breaking the habit thing, it just seemed at first to fall that way iykwim. On some of the evenings that it would be ds going to their house I would have playtime at home or we would bake. But you know what? As soon as my back door is open they are shouting in to ds and that's nomally how he ends up in there.
I'll have to keep my door closed from now on!!! It's very frustrating when the weather is nice and we're out on the deck and the kids are calling saying 'can we come in?' Sounds so petty doesn't it? I'm sure there are people with much bigger problems!
His wife is really nice, she very quiet and soft spoken so she would be approachable I think but if she said it to him or had a word with him he would have to say it to me because that's what he is like. He's a pain in the ass really but obviously we keep the peace!! Think I'll move lol.

slowreadingprogress Fri 17-Jul-09 13:01:35

I'd set yourself the limits you want; whatever it is you're comfortable with and want for your ds. Make sure your ds knows each day as in "today it's play at home and family time" so that if they DO shout, you're prepared and can tell them "we're having a family day today". I'd tell the mum something like your ds is getting overtired or tantrummy or something and you've decided to have some family only evenings to save your sanity, blah blah or similar then she will be on-side as well.

everybody's happy, hopefully....

I think it will take a little assertiveness on your part but it's perfectly do-able without causing offence to anyone imo

Longtalljosie Fri 17-Jul-09 13:07:52

Well perhaps the best place to start is with the childminder's situation. You could explain to the wife that it's not possible for her children to come round when the cm is doing her job, because you pay her per child she looks after. Unless, of course, you could add - she wants to come to some formal arrangement!

bobblehat Fri 17-Jul-09 13:09:38

I had a similar experience with our old neighbours. Our dc's were in the same class and he just used to invite himself round all the time.

It only stopped when we moved 200 miles away (it wasn't to just to get away from themgrin). It's only now that I realise how nice it is to have my dc's playing in the garden without someone constantly shouting over the fence to come over.

So sorry, not much advise, but I do feel your pain.

VeronicaMars Fri 17-Jul-09 14:23:30

Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. It seems like such a small problem but it does drain me.
But thanks for all the good advice, anymore simalar experiences??
I am considering the 200 mile thing!!
Also the cm is actually my mother who is not as young as she used to be, as good as she is with ds. It's just not fair to her. I wonder why the dad can't see anything wronghmm My dh says he must have no sense whatsoever well he actually said he was a dumb **grin

Helen31 Fri 17-Jul-09 14:42:20

I should have said my sister had a similar experience, except in her case both parents seemed to be equally oblivious to the intrusion. Eventually they did get the message, despite being incredibly thick-skinned. She thinks they are moving soon grin!

Even worse that it is your mum, and he was rude to her! His poor wife must spend a lot of her time being completely mortified.

Sounds to me like you want to keep the wife on side and then be firm with the husband.

VeronicaMars Fri 17-Jul-09 17:27:37

Oh God I just rang home and they are there with my dh!

IKnowWhoYouAre Fri 17-Jul-09 17:47:16

Have had similar experience too with neighbours. The mum used to ring and ask if they could come and play, but the dad would just send them round - I'd answer the door to find two little boys standing there. And as soon as I opened the door they'd march straight in.

One thing you could do is make their visits much shorter - just be assertive and send them back after half an hour. And practice breezily saying "Not today, we're busy" if they turn up. But I think you also need to stop letting your LO go round there so much - it sounds like this is helping the dad feel justified that he can return the favour. He obviously is too thick-skinned to realise that having one child round to play can be quite different to having two.

Helen31 Fri 17-Jul-09 19:03:11

Oh dear. Mum is clearly not a MNer then!

IKnowWhoYouAre Sun 19-Jul-09 17:09:31

One of them just turned up today, then marched around complaining that it was "the most boring visit ever" to our house! He had obviously planned to come and play on the Wii, then got miffed because we did't have it on.

ChocFudgeCake Sun 19-Jul-09 17:32:58

Is your DS very close to them? I hope the wife can put things right.
When we go to stay at my ILS's flat, the niece downstairs is almost permanently with us, she just eats her meals at home and then comes back. The poor girl is bored because her mum doesn't bother with her, but she can also be a handful. So I have to look after my two DSs and her. One day it dawned on me that her mum NEVER offered to have my children. DH is always sorry for her, so he offers to take her with us for outings. But it's me who has to sort them out when they fight.
Not much helpblush I'm actually taking the advice that's been given to you! I'll practice next time we visit the ILS. Best wishes!

VeronicaMars Sun 19-Jul-09 18:28:31

God I hope she's not a mnetter!! My ds gets 'invited' a lot and I feel so guilty when I say not today but I still stand firm.
I will be taking all this advice on and I'm going to get tougher or perhaps fall out with the dad grin
It's funny that some families like to have their own time with children and some obviously just don't.
IKWYA I'm laughing at the Wii, we got a really great toy for ds a while back and this is how it started.

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