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am i being unreasonable

(15 Posts)
pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 21:44:25

that my mother in law did not inform me of my fathers cremation at all !!
and then expect me to go to beachy head with my disabled son in the holidays to scatt
er ashes...................

mumblechum Thu 16-Jul-09 21:52:38

do you mean fil or father?

Full story please.

pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 21:57:42

my father died on the 26th july she was quite unfriendly in every visit towards me atthe last hospice and for 6 weeks before i visited him in 3 respite homes with my autistic son as he was on his own she was never their..
he was intimidated lonely and now i hear she creamted him with her best friend without asking me the nearest relative geographically and emotionally..
now she wants me to scatter ashes in the holidays while my partner is away with my six year old son and loads of other people!!

paisleyleaf Thu 16-Jul-09 22:03:01

It's difficult to understand your family situation fully.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt - might she be inviting you as a sort of offer of peace. And perhaps she feels bad.
I could of course be wrong.

proverbial Thu 16-Jul-09 22:04:09

Do you mean stepmother instead of mother in law?

Tamarto Thu 16-Jul-09 22:04:39

Is she your step mother?

mumblechum Thu 16-Jul-09 22:05:44

Ah, so it's your stepmother. I'm presuming that you're not English, but unfortunately she was his next of kin so didn't legally have to consult you about the arrangements.

It does seem very odd though that you weren't told about the cremation, and given the chance to say goodbye to your father properly.

Having said that, maybe she feels that inviting you to scatter the ashes is a good way to say goodbye to him.

I'd go to the ashes ceremony. If you don't feel comfortable taking your son along (depends how old he was, what his relationship with his grandad was), then I suppose you'll have to arrange to leave him with someone.

very sorry for your loss.

pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 22:12:46

sorry i am a bit tired i mean step mother she did feel guilty about shoving him into respite
but i think she just did not want to any one to go but on the other hand she informed my brother the day he went on holiday 2.5 weeks ago but failed to inform me
she was waiting for him to die but
that is still no reason not to inform me of the creamtion
by the way I AM english
and because of the lack of forthcoming phone calls and cutting me short when i rang after he died i had to visit him on my own 4 days after he died and she said she was not coming with me although i did not ask her to do this
and now i hear she went to creamte him with her friend as purely a witness to the ceremony!!

i feel there is no family closeness i feel alone with my son and my partner will be abroad on the propsed date of scattering of ashes...
I feel sad because it could have been very different!!

mumblechum Thu 16-Jul-09 22:18:44

I can see why you're so upset, after all the normal thing would have been to have a proper funeral service with all his family, friends, ex colleagues etc which can be a very helpful stage in the grieving process. You must feel cheated and that your father deserved more than a little hole in the wall cremation with virtually no one there.

I'd still do the ashes thing if I were you, though. Do you have any siblings or other family member who could go with you?

Sorry about the language thing, you must have been typing in a huge hurry!

paisleyleaf Thu 16-Jul-09 22:20:28

That does all sound sad.
Are you close with your brother? Is he going to Beachy Head?

pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 22:25:18

and i am unable to go to the proposed scattering of the ashes as my son is autistic and i have no baby sitter and his father my partner will be abroad
my mother in law is aware of how difficult it is for me but just did not consult me on anything
not even the date to scatter the ashesshe was more interested in her son's attending, not that any of them saw him in the 6 weeks respite two weeks before he died it was just me and my son!

my opinion of her has changed
but that is nothing really, i will not dwell upon
i am only thinking now my father is not in pain!!
thanks for all the nice thoughts!!

pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 22:26:53

my brother is driving direct from gatwick with him wife and not coming to see me or my son so...that is it!!
he lives in scotland

pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 22:28:18

i can only look forward with my son now
thanks for all the chat
I always type type fast and the keyboard is crap!!

SlartyBartFast Thu 16-Jul-09 22:30:12

sad for you
are you normally on good terms with your brother and step mother??

pushkar Thu 16-Jul-09 22:40:26

generally, but my brother has to rush home because of his children
my step mothers outlook changed in the last year she seemed a bit cold towards us
but i cant change people I can only imagine she found it ardous with my fathers illness she is 12 yrs younger than he was!!

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