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...not to want to contribute to DD's friend's expensive birthday present?

(53 Posts)
muffinmonster Thu 16-Jul-09 18:41:47

DD is in Y7 and will be 12 next week. Several of her friends are also celebrating 12th birthdays around now. She told me the other day that a group of schoolfriends have decided to pitch in £20 each in order to buy one of the girls an expensive (£90 to £100) phone for her birthday. I have said no to this because:

(a) DD doesn't have £20 so I will be expected to pay (as I expect at least some other mums will), and this is double what I normally spend on birthday presents (except for children I really like!).

(b) I have recently ruled out buying the same phone for DD herself as I feel it's too expensive a piece of kit to be carried round by a 12-year-old.

(c) I have very little confidence (based on past experience) in the ability of DD's friends to organise collecting money and purchasing a phone in time for the birthday, especially as school breaks up tomorrow.

DD thinks I'm mean and I realise I'm putting her in an embarrassing position, but I can't believe I'll be the only mum to object.

MayorNaze Thu 16-Jul-09 18:42:52

hold your own. she is Yr7!!!

famishedass Thu 16-Jul-09 18:43:15

YANBU - 12 year olds should be buying their friends gifts out of their own pocket money. Not asking their parents to pay.

TheProfiteroleThief Thu 16-Jul-09 18:43:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MayorNaze Thu 16-Jul-09 18:43:29

perhaps it is a conspiracy becasue you said no to buying her the phone...
<<strokes beard thoughtfully>

ByTheSea Thu 16-Jul-09 18:44:05

If your DD is really set on it, I might contribute what I normally would (£10) and let your DD earn the rest (if you can afford it).

mrsjammi Thu 16-Jul-09 18:44:50

Message withdrawn

belgo Thu 16-Jul-09 18:45:41

YANBU. for the reasons you say.

mrsmaidamess Thu 16-Jul-09 18:45:53

£20! I wouldn't do it. Surely becoming a teenager is the 'big' birthday around that time?

muffinmonster Thu 16-Jul-09 18:48:52

MaynorNaze, I would be very worried about your conspiracy theory, except that she doesn't know yet that I haven't bought her the phone. (Mwah hah hah.)

muffinmonster Thu 16-Jul-09 18:49:21

And anyway she's hoping for an iPod touch, poor lamb.

MayorNaze Thu 16-Jul-09 18:50:00

ah <<tucks beard down top prono>> grin

MayorNaze Thu 16-Jul-09 18:50:14


crokky Thu 16-Jul-09 18:52:55

I would give your DD the £20 to contribute (as long as you can afford it) because I wouldn't want my DD to be embarassed or singled out.

It is excessive - there is no need for a child to have a phone like that - my phone is a shitty PAYG that was about £20 in total, but I think I would suck it up anyway for the sake of not embarassing my DD. It's also excessive to spend £20 on someone who isn't her best friend, but still, I think I would just comply.

You surely won't be the only mum to object, but you might be the only one to actually not do it.

mrsjammi Thu 16-Jul-09 18:55:40

Message withdrawn

Morloth Thu 16-Jul-09 18:59:26

I would maybe give her the 10 and then tell her to use her allowance or whatever to pay in the rest if she wants to.

muffinmonster Thu 16-Jul-09 19:00:06

Mrsjammi, you have shown me the future and given me strength.

mrsjammi Thu 16-Jul-09 19:02:45

Message withdrawn

forehead Thu 16-Jul-09 19:04:17

If you decide to give her the money, i would deduct 2 pounds a week from her pocket money.
She will soon learn about sacrifices that have to be made.

herbietea Thu 16-Jul-09 19:04:42

Message withdrawn

AnnieLobeseder Thu 16-Jul-09 19:05:21

crokky - I fear that by doing things you're not entirely comfortable with for the sake of your child not being embarassed, you're not really preparing them for real life. Things don't always go the way you would like, sometimes you are singled out, sometimes you don't get what you want. Better to learn these lessons sooner rather than later, or the child is going to find real life in adulthood a rather nasty shock!

DesperateHousewifeToo Thu 16-Jul-09 19:16:35

Could your dd and her friends not talk to the birthday girl's parent's and negotiate with them that they would make up the shortfall? Then they would all be able to give what they would normally pay for a present.

Otherwise, I would not give the £20 for this. But then my dcs are younger and it might be different once they are older.

It does seem a lovely gesture but I could see it snow-balling expensivelysmile.

TotalChaos Thu 16-Jul-09 19:18:45

yanbu. completely agree with MrsJammi that this could get very silly.

muffinmonster Thu 16-Jul-09 19:56:40

Not sure about the parents as I don't know them well. I think I will talk to DD and say that either she pays half of the £20, or she can just pretend that we've already bought something.

I don't think it is all that different when the children are older - we haven't got any richer!

HerBeatitude Thu 16-Jul-09 20:01:45

I think it would be a good idea to sit down with your DD and point out to her that if they do this, then they will be expected to do it for every girl in the group and that means 6 lots of £20 or whatever.

I bet they haven't even considered that.

I can see it leading to all sorts of horrible fallings out and ill-feeling when the 4th birthday comes along and everyone has got sick of coughing up, but number 4 has shelled out £60....

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