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to be a bit scared of this woman?

(37 Posts)
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 16-Jul-09 12:05:02

The other day DH was pulling his (big) van out of a parking space on our road. He accidentally touched the car behind, but didn't get out to check as it was a very light touch. The woman whose car it was came rushing out of her house effing and blinding and so he got out of the van (I was in with DS) to talk to her. He looked at the car with her - not a mark, apologised profusely but she wasn't having it, 'I don't want your effing apology you effing c', as the car wasn't marked we weren't sure what she wanted. Anyway we drove off hoping that she didn't actually live on our (new, very friendly) road. Sadly she does - I was walking up the road today and she was really staring at me, with a very nasty look. She was a big muscular woman, bigger than my DH and she looked like she could have laid him out TBH!

I might be being paranoid (probably am) but she really did look threatening today. I am very worried as my DH has just applied for his ILR and if she had a go at him he'd have a go back (verbally) and I'd hate an incident to jeaopardise his residency. I was wondering whether she might have been a bit racist as well (DH is dark skinned). Racism and threatening behaviour is not something we are used to sad and I feel a bit unhappy that we seem to have found it in our new street.

BTW I know DH was BU to have tried to drive off without checking - but it was a tiny touch, we could tell no harm was done. Also - either her car or the one in front was parked after he parked as the space was much smaller than when he parked.

Tell me I'm being silly please?

MovingOutOfBlighty Thu 16-Jul-09 12:08:46

Think your DH needs to go up and apologise to this woman properly.
I think it is outrageous to bump someones car and not stop because it was light. OK, she over reacted and was offensive so she owes you an apology too.

I would have been furious about this, and it is not because I am racist!! That is possibly a red herring.

fluffyanimal Thu 16-Jul-09 12:10:58

Van drivers are stereotyped as being inconsiderate road users. I know, not all of them are but that's the general perception. If I'd seen a van driver even gently bump my car and not get out to check it was OK, I'd have reacted probably with similar fury. The other car being parked after he did has nothing to do with it.

Do you know if she definitely made racist comments? Unless you do, you are probably being paranoid. Also, how will this woman know your husband's residency status? It might have got you off to a bad start with a neighbour but I'm unclear as to how it could jeopardise the ILR application.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 16-Jul-09 13:23:57

No I don't think she said anything racist, was just trying to understand her reaction. Maybe it is van driver prejudice, not racial prejudice! Ok, I understand she had a fair point being pissed off. I've done it though blush when it's been tight to get out of a spot - I kind of thought that's what bumpers are for blush

Re the residency - I meant if she had a go at me or him in the street and the police were called. Unlikely I'm sure - but she looked really pissed off with me today.

MovingOutOfBlighty Thu 16-Jul-09 13:28:28

I think it was purely down to the fact your DP twatted her car and didn't stop and leave a note etc. Perhaps this has happened to her(as it has to me - massive unexplained ding in side of car at supermarket) in the past and she over reacted.

Equally, he did apologise, but only when stopped so it does lessen the effect of the apology.

Would hate to have this kind of animosity in my street so personally, if it was me, I would take a bottle of wine over with a card and build bridges. I know other people would think that that is pandering to her, but I would see it as a way of keeping the peace and being able to dodge the nasty stares! smile

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 16-Jul-09 13:54:26

your neighbour shouldnt have sworn

but

your dh should have got out to look and apologised then

i would get him to go and knock on her door and say sorry again (to keep the peace)

Fruitysunshine Thu 16-Jul-09 13:59:01

If someone had lightly touched my Lamborghini with their van I would have been hopping mad!

Agree, that whilst he may have apologised, it has obviously not pacified her so you/he/both should probably walk on over to her with an olive branch and try to make peace. Life is too short.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 16-Jul-09 21:17:32

He didn't twat the car he touched the bumper with his bumper!

hatesponge Thu 16-Jul-09 21:33:49

I think you probably need to make a further apology. Your DH did hit her car, however lightly he did so. Just because you didnt notice any damage thats not to say there isnt any whatsoever. Even if it's a tiny scratch thats still something that wasnt there beforehand & I can quite understand her being a bit pissed off in consequence.

I do wonder whether the issue is more in relation to your DH's van than anything else - you mentioned in your OP that it's a big van. I used to live in a small street where one of my neighbours had a huge van - long wheel base, high roof etc. He was exceedingly unpopular because his van constantly took up 2 parking spaces, made the width of the road narrower, & was tbh quite unsightly.

I know a lot of people do park large vans at home but you may find your neighbours generally are not that happy about it...whilst obviously you have to park there, it may be worth smoothing over the dispute with this particular neighbour particularly given you are noew to the street. Hopefully this will avoid you being known as the new people with the HUGE van who reversed into X's car & drove off, rather than the nice new family with the van at no. 22 .....

pinkpalace Thu 16-Jul-09 21:36:59

I fully agree with the lady. As far as she is concerned some van driver has bumped her car (maybe she didn't see it was bumper to bumper with no dents)and didn't even get out to check. If someone had bumped my car - van driver or not, I would be leaping. Firstly because they bumped it in the first place, secondly, the fact he was the one to judge from the front of his big van that there was no damage and thirdly, that he didn't apologise off his own back.

We all work so hard for our cars. Try and put yourself in her shoes. I doubt very much she was being racist but agree that she shouldn't have sworn.

I agree with the wine and apology. You never know, you may become very good neighbours after this. I hope so.

Good luck!

Rindercella Thu 16-Jul-09 21:45:51

As you're new to the street, I would persuade your DH to go and speak to the woman and apologise, again. Of course she shouldn't have spoken in that manner, but tbh, I would be mightily pissed off if I saw a big van hit my car (however lightly) and make to drive off without checking the damage. Unfortunately it would seem that your DH did rather live up to that particular stereotype. And if you see this woman in the street, why don't you approach her, apologise for your DH's daft behaviour and get chatting to her in a nice neighbourly-type way?

I would be very careful seeing racism where there may be none too. Tis a very slippery slope.

Jux Thu 16-Jul-09 21:47:31

Wine and apology. And I think it's the absolute pits to ding a car and drive off, no matter how light the ding. It's fundamentally dishonest and irresponsible. Set an example and do the right thing. You could end up best of friends.

Casserole Thu 16-Jul-09 21:59:09

I can't believe that HE hit HER car with HIS van, didn't even get out to check the damage and your first thought is that because she's upset she's racist?!?!?!?

She was entirely justified in being angry that he didn't get out, as most of the posters on here have said. Are they racist too?

Perspective might be a useful purchase here.

bigstripeytiger Thu 16-Jul-09 22:05:47

Im not surprised that the woman wasnt happy. She had an adequate reason to be annoyed, so I dont think you need to assume that racism was involved.

Im not sure why it matters what order people parked thier cars in? The person who hits a stationary car is traditionally to blame, regardless of the order people parked in.

HerBeatitude Thu 16-Jul-09 22:21:06

I wouldn't give her a bottle of wine and apology tbh.

No harm was done to her car, she came out of her house effing and blinding and she gives you evils after the event when she knows for sure there has been no damage. I don't see the point of trying to placate her - she sounds implacable and tbh not the sort of person with whom you want to strike up a roaring friendship.

motherpi Thu 16-Jul-09 22:26:20

I don't see the odd bumper-to-bumper touch as anything major, but it would prob be best in the long-term to go over with DH and apologise. Do it for the greater good smile!

Haribosmummy Thu 16-Jul-09 22:27:37

Someone hit my car last week and didn't stop. I was bloody furious (I didn't see who did it - but I would have said something if I had).

The damage was minimal - DH touched it up in no time - but it's rude beyond belief not to stop and check (even if you have decided you know there is no damage).

I think calling this woman (or suggesting) that she is racist is LOW.

TheYearOfTheCat Thu 16-Jul-09 22:30:57

I wouldn't bother trying to placate someone who had said to me or DH 'I don't want your effing apology you effing c', no matter what the circumstances.

london Thu 16-Jul-09 22:31:02

I'm really surprised so many people think NO damage to a car deserves so much vitriol. Vehicles often bump other vehicles and no damage done - that IS the point of bumpers! Of course, ideally the OP's DH should have got out and checked straight away, but the woman carried on being aggressive after the apology. What's happened to everyone's sense of proportion??

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 17-Jul-09 08:10:36

Phew! Some people agree with me....

I know he should have got out and checked. I have also bumped the car behind's bumper when moving out of parking spaces and not got out to check - because I know that a soft touch to the bumper is not going to do any damage! And if a car parks behind a stationary vehicle and parks very close they should surely take some responsibility?

I'm not taking her a bottle of wine. I'll stay out of her way and avoid eye contact but she was verbally aggressive and, I'm sorry, I don't think that what he did was deserving of the language she used, angry or not.

Oh - and I wasn't saying she was racist for being pissed off! I was trying to understand her overreaction which, sorry, is what it was. If someone touched my car and didn't stop I might shout at them a bit but if they apologised that would be it. I wouldn't continue shouting in fury and swearing like she did - it was totally OTT.

But I take everyone's point about my DH being out of order.

PM73 Fri 17-Jul-09 08:33:25

Firstly your dh should have got out to check,even if he knew there was no damage to the other car,its just common decency tbh.

Secondly the lady slightly over-reacted but maybe she has had damage done to her car previously & was worried she would end up with a huge repair bill.

If it were my car that had just been bumped by a massive van & the driver went to drive away without first checking i too would be very shouty.

Giver her a day or so then next time you see her out & about i would apologise again.

Haribosmummy Fri 17-Jul-09 10:49:51

Maybe she did over react, but I know how I'd feel if someone new moved into my street with a massive van, bumped my car and didn't stop. I'd be thinking: How long before he does that again!

tearinghairout Fri 17-Jul-09 11:00:52

Kat - I think you're right to stay out of her way & avoid eye contact. With normal decent folk an apology/bottle of wine would be in order and would suffice, but this woman sounds, as has been said, implacable, and not able to be reasoned with. Especially as she doesn't want your 'effing' apology. I would be very wary of her.

qwertpoiuy Fri 17-Jul-09 11:04:41

I think that woman has a serious problem. Your husband apologised, no damage was done- end of story. She sounds nasty, if she continues to intimidate you, then maybe you should be making a visit to the police station.

At the end of the day the car is only a lump of tin that gets you from A to B. I can't understand why other posters here are so hysterical about one bumper tipping another! Calm down, at least it wasn't a child or a person that was hit!

fluffyanimal Fri 17-Jul-09 11:14:41

"And if a car parks behind a stationary vehicle and parks very close they should surely take some responsibility?"

No, they shouldn't. Vehicle in motion has 100% responsibility to make sure they avoid obstacles.

If someone boxes you in so you can't manoeuvre without bumping, you are entitled to ask the car owner to move, but not to bump the car. No insurer would ever back you up.

Qwert, people aren't making a point about a light bump, they are making the point about not getting out to check, regardless of the lightness. It is common courtesy.

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