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to feel sad that i will not have a daughter

(236 Posts)
neveronamonday Thu 16-Jul-09 10:05:49

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PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot Thu 16-Jul-09 10:11:35

YANBU to feel sad, I have 4 boys and felt a b it sadabout the things I wuldnt do- mother of the bride etc (not that there are gsurantees anyway)

But lots of things in life are sdad, you have to acknowledge its a bit of a shame then move on

RemusLupinInAWizardsuit Thu 16-Jul-09 10:11:58

I have three sons. I have reconciled myself to just being very a very pleasant and lovely MIL to any girlfriends in future. grin

Yeah, it is a bit tough. But you have to remember it isn't about what they give to us, but what we give to them.

scottishmummy Thu 16-Jul-09 10:12:03

is there a chance you have idealised a female child?what specifically can a female child offer that a boy cant?when you conceptualise motherhood do ypu attribute differnt things to each gender.

no suprises in when i say count your two boy blessings.stop wsting time musing over some idyllic idealised notion of a girl and enjoy your boys

Lizzylou Thu 16-Jul-09 10:12:09

YANBU, I have two boys, always said that I would only ever have 2 DC and I went through a phase of being very jealous of those with girls. Strange as I have never been very girly.

It passes, my boys are wonderful and the centre of my world. My life will be just washing of sports kit and feeding growing boys, but I get a good get out clause being a female grin

My boys also adore me and I get spoilt a lot, you can get used to being called a "Beautiful Princess" every day smile

Oh, and it is so much cheaper have same sex siblings.

sleepycat Thu 16-Jul-09 10:17:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog Thu 16-Jul-09 10:17:36

I tend to agree with sm. It's fine and normal to occasionally think 'I'd quite like to have had a girl' but you need to nip it in the bud and not let it become any more than the odd fleeting, inconsequential thought.

ginnny Thu 16-Jul-09 10:18:54

YANBU at all. I have 2 boys and much as I love them I felt the same after ds2 was born.
BUT the more I see of my friends dd's (and DP's 16 year old dd) the more I love my boys. They are so uncomplicated, affectionate and adorable - I wouldn't swap them for the world.
As for the Mother Of The Bride thing - well you still get to be the Mother of the Groom and you don't have to pay for the wedding!
When SIL had her dd my Nan said "A daughter will be yours all her life, but a son's just yours till he gets a wife" which at the time upset me, but I got over it.
Enjoy every minute with your boys - they grow up too fast.

RemusLupinInAWizardsuit Thu 16-Jul-09 10:23:52

What nonsense that phrase is. Kids don't belong to us in any case, they belong to themselves.

And how about supporting and getting to know son's choice of partner, instead of competing with them.

Silver1 Thu 16-Jul-09 10:47:19

I agree with pointy dog- and don't forget with two older brothers any daughter is likely to be very much a tom boy!
Perhaps the baby blues have had a way of popping out on seemingly unconnected issues- and you are feeling the "loss" of a girl as a way of expressing a mild bit of depression?

neveronamonday Thu 16-Jul-09 10:56:52

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SarahL2 Thu 16-Jul-09 10:56:53

I'm wondering whether I'll get this. I have a wonderful DS and a DC2 on the way.

On the one hand I would love it to be another boy so that he and DS could be really close and good playmates and on the other, part of me would love a girl and be able to play dollies and dress her up the beautiful dresses that seem to take up 90% of every childrens clothing store ever!envy

I've been told boys are easier and that girls are easier by different people but always remember what my best friend (mother of 2 boys) says - that you get the children that suit you. She's lovely and she is definitely a boys kind of Mum - she loves going to karate with them and getting dirty, she was never a girly-girl. But maybe her boys ahve made her that way?? hmm

We'll be finding out the sex at our 20 week scan if we can. Mostly because we used up the only boys name we both liked on DS and will need some time to think of a new one - but a teeny bit of me wants time to adjust to the idea of having whatever we're having before he or she is here too....

fruitstick Thu 16-Jul-09 11:01:58

I know what you mean, but it's not a big deal, more of a sigh when I see pinafore dresses.

My MIL had two sons and we never got on (very possessive). She died when I was pregnant with DS1 which is an awful shame as I feel I understand her much more now.

On the upside, I am hoping DS2 is gay grin

twofalls Thu 16-Jul-09 11:06:02

neveronamonday, my friend suffered really badly with feeling like this after she had her second boy. She is one of two girls and her sister has 2 girls. It did affect her quite badly until they got a bit older. Now they are 3 and 6 she doesn't even think about the fact they are 2 boys but simply her 2 children. As they developed their personalities she didn't question their gender and just got on with enjoying her children. She also had other issues with depression so had some CBT which really helped challenge her thinking.

I think the way you are feeling is understandable. But you do just have to try to swtich off those negative thoughts before they become all-encompassing. She dealt with them by talking a lot in order to not let them rule her head, if that makes sense.

mel1981 Thu 16-Jul-09 11:06:16

YANBU I have 4 boys -DS1 is 5 DS2 was stillborn DC3 was a miscarriage DS3 is 2 and DS4 is 7 weeks (I had a 10 weeks stay in hospital and emergency c section with him) I really want more kids and am dissapointed we wont have a girl because we have decided -bearing in mid all the above- we as a family have been through enough and I dont think I could go through anymore stress. So after a long discussion Dh & me have decided DH will be sterilised. I am sad we wont have a girl let alone any more children but I have to look at the bigger picture. We also agreed when our kids are older we might look into fostering so maybe theres still hope.

SarahL2 Thu 16-Jul-09 11:14:10

I've thought of another bright-side.

My sister's MIL had 2 boys and adores my (slightly barbie-ish) little sis. Calls her the daughter she never had and often refers to her as "my XXX" (which actually makes me a bit cross even though it's sweet but that's another story). They have fab days out going shopping and attending jewellery making courses together..

My MIL has 2 daughters (and a son obviously) and seems to want nothing to do with me

So at least with 2 boys you can be a fantastic MIL and avoid being b1tched about endlessly on MN grin

SingleMum01 Thu 16-Jul-09 11:15:13

Thanks you're lucky stars you have children. I have one DP who I adore, would have liked more but am unable to and I have friends who have none but would have loved to have been blessed. Enjoy what you are given for the time we are here.

scottishmummy Thu 16-Jul-09 11:18:00

our children are individuals and we musnt get caught up in our gender preferences

as frankly it can evoke stereotypical idealised responses
>boys are easier
>girls love mummy,can identify more
>daddies and wee boys bonding

we have a priveleged role in participating in shaping an individual,raising them,hopefully imbuing with decent values and love

that doesnt have a gender

only a parental responsibility

anniemac Thu 16-Jul-09 11:19:59

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sweetfall Thu 16-Jul-09 11:23:20

all children are indeed individuals - in fact my girl is more like a boy than my boy sometimes

but there are biological and societal differences that make children have different experiences and whilst we can adore every child with no gender bias we are also allowed to comment on and celebrate and grieve the difference in experiences that come with parenting different genders

for example a parent of boys will never have the angst of screeching at their daughter because she will not under any circumstances ever wear a skirt or dress - oh no wink

angryneedsadvice Thu 16-Jul-09 11:25:26

You can have mine grin shes like the devil incarnate!
ds however is a monthers dream, affectionate, loving and notices what Im wearing or if my hairs different!

Lizzylou Thu 16-Jul-09 11:25:45

To be honest, even though they are both boys (and look the spit of each other) my two are so very different anyway.

SM's right, you can't stereotype genders, girl's aren't necessarily easier/better behaved.

I had just always envisaged having a "Topsy and Tim" type family, both DH and I come from the typical 1 of each family, so I was shocked when I had two boys. I'd have been equally confused to have two girls.

You will get over your initial feeling of missing out on being a Mom to a girl and
you'll feel blessed at having 2 beautiful children, I do.

scottishmummy Thu 16-Jul-09 11:31:14

but if there are considered to be gender differences then the interpretation lies with adults not the child.

societal and cultural norms attribute certain characteristics to each gender eg
>girls caring,nurturing
>boys boisterious

we have acquired to a greater or lesser extent gender sterotypes.our expectation of parenting a boy or girl

celebrate and discuss difference by all means.but dont waste time mourning a specific gender

jellybeans Thu 16-Jul-09 11:35:01

YANBU to be abit sad but you need to count your blessings. I have 3 DS and 2 DD, I also lost 2 DDs late in pregnancy and had 2 other m/c. I never cared what gender mine were (I had 3 DDs first, 3rd was stillborn) so can't say I understand, I just wanted a live baby. I was nervous but delighted when having my 1st DSs but boys are every bit as nice as girls. I also get told, 'lucky you have 2 DD as boys don't bother when they get married!' but I know several men who do bother with their mums and lots of daughters who don't bother.

Lizzylou Thu 16-Jul-09 11:36:59

Yep Jellybeans, we prove that men don't necessarily move away from their family.

I live 140 miles away from my family and up north which is where DH's family live. My brother lives near my family.

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