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Am I or is DH

(36 Posts)
starzzz Thu 16-Jul-09 00:32:04

Got one for the MN Jury.

As basic story as I can give - my mom wanted away from my dad, and so my DH offered for her to come and stay with us, for as long as it took for her to get her own place sorted.

She found a place within a month and moved out. My DH helped her move by driving the removal van and helping move all her stuff (from about an hour away) He help her move her stuff in etc, and then spent the next few weeks getting stuff from various freecyclers that she need in her flat (fridge, cooker and a few bits)

Most of the stuff my mom has in her house is second hand, nearly everything really, apart from a carpet cleaner, which she bought brand new, and cost her a fortune.

now the AIBU bit.... My DH asked if he can borrow the machine. My mom said she would rather clean the carpets herself, as if the machine breaks while she is using it, then she can only blame herself, whereas if it gets broken while we are using it, she will have been gutted that it wasnt her using it IYKNIM. Anyway...when I told my DH this, he totally freaked as he has done so much for her and now he feels she cant even lend him one machine.

I think if she wants to come do it herself then fair enough, he is saying im taking her side in things as usual. Its turned into a big row, and here we are.

What do you guys think??


OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 16-Jul-09 00:42:06

I can see why your DH is upset, it's as if she's saying she doesn't trust him not to break it. On the other hand, she's offering to clean your carpets for you - is she fit enough for this not to be a major chore? Might you or DH be allowed to take over, under her watchful eye? Because I can also see why she's freakily worried about her "best" possession, when she's left so much behind already.

Sorry, not much help on the BU front, there.

midlandsmumof4 Thu 16-Jul-09 00:56:17

YANBU-its a man thing. If it's YOUR carpets-let her come and clean them. It's her machine and if its an expensive one-your OH should let her. Men are notorious for not following instructions . Had a similar thing-let my sister clean my carpets with her machine. Much to my OH chagrin.

HolyGuacamole Thu 16-Jul-09 01:02:43

I can understand why your DH thinks your mother IBU. He probably feels a bit like she can't trust him with the machine etc.

You're in a position where you cannot win because you see and understand both sides.

I'd let her clean the carpets till her hearts content and tell DH to grow up and chill out smile

You can't please all the people all the time.

thumbwitch Thu 16-Jul-09 01:06:00

neither and both.
It is kind of insulting to be told that "I'd rather you didn't use it in case it breaks" but otoh I totally understand your ma's pov - I wouldn't let DH pack any fragile valuables when we moved house for the same reason.

If she's offering to come and clean the carpets, he should look at that as a big bonus and a way of her thanking him for all his help.

debilicious Thu 16-Jul-09 02:38:21

I can completely understand what she means, so I think he is BU. She is offering to come to your house and clean the carpets, she knows how to use it so there's less chance it may get broken while there.

Say thank you, and enjoy your clean floors

skidoodle Thu 16-Jul-09 05:56:10

Jesus your mother is the one bu here.

She won't lend him a carpet cleaner after all he's dine for get. What a cowbag!

I'm not sure what he wants you to do about it though.

Your mother is daft. She had a son-in-law who treated her with love and was happy to help her out. Now she's alienated him over a machine. I'm sure he'll be letting her sort herself out from now on, and I don't blame him.

MaryBS Thu 16-Jul-09 06:24:58

I think your mother IBU too. After all he did for her, she is a bit precious about her carpet cleaner.

cornsilk Thu 16-Jul-09 06:31:33

Let her do it then. She is being silly but it's nothing to throw a strop about.Your DH was kind to help her but shouldn't expect her to repay him by lending him stuff.

TheNonesuch Thu 16-Jul-09 07:42:25

Your Dh has put himself out for your mother and done a lot for her, and in return all he has asked for is to borrow a carpet cleaner?

He hasn't asked to borrow a bit of fine china, its a hardy machine, that one would have thought isn't going to break at the drop off a hat.

Your Mother ibu and so are you for not backing your dh up. Imagine if it was reversed and it was you and your Mil?

scrappydappydoo Thu 16-Jul-09 08:01:46

YABU (and so is your mum) I understand its important to her - but a carpet cleaner is not like a family heirloom... I'm sure if your dh were to break it you'd replace it.
OTOH - I do agree if she has offered to come and clean your carpets - I wouldn't say no!
I think its not whether or not she'll lend you the carpet cleaner - its more about her attitude to your dh and the way she phrased - so I have to say I side with your dh (sorry!)

mrsruffallo Thu 16-Jul-09 08:08:09

It's disrespectful and rude to assume he is going to break it, especially when he has helped her so much
I think she is quite out of order actually

piscesmoon Thu 16-Jul-09 08:12:39

She really should lend it-however I would let her come and clean your carpets, go out for the day and leave her to it.

Lulubee Thu 16-Jul-09 08:21:32

I can totally see your DH's point of view. If it got broken while in your posession, would you offer to replace it? If so, I think she's being a bit precious about it.

That said, I wouldn't have told my DH that my mum didn't want him to use the machine, I'd have just said that she'd offered to clean the carpets herself as a way of saying thanks. In fact, you could backtrack to your DH and make out that that that is what your mum wanted all along- to clean the carpets herself as a thank you - but that she didn't think you'd agree so made up the bit about the machine getting broken... god I'm devious. grin

kslatts Thu 16-Jul-09 08:27:05

I think you and you mother are being unreasonable.

MamaLazarou Thu 16-Jul-09 08:30:15

I would just let her come and clean my carpets! Everyone's a winner.

JodieO Thu 16-Jul-09 08:35:45


stoppinattwo Thu 16-Jul-09 08:38:03

Maybe she hasnt finished paying for it and is genuinely worried about it getting damaged....if she breaks it she will know exactly what she has done/ or not done to break it.

I think your mum is being completely reasonable, maybe she also feels like she is returning a favour by cleaning your carpets for and your DH go out and let her get on with it grin

starzzz Thu 16-Jul-09 08:40:41

so mixed opinions then!

No my DH wouldH not offer to replace it if it were broken while we used it.

The problem is i do see it from both points of view, but the biggest issue is the fact that he feels she owes him one... so she should just lend it to him. Its not as if she isnt grateful for the help, and she has done things for us over the past months, and will treat us to a slap up meal when she is a bit more settled, she is just as has been said, a bit precious about the machine, and she didnt say no, she just said she would come and do it for us whenever we wanted.

He didnt even come to bed last night! sad

piscesmoon Thu 16-Jul-09 08:49:52

If she has said that she will come and do them when it suits you I think that is a brilliant solution, it saves you a horrible job. If someone wanted to clean my carpets I wouldn't stop them!

MaybeAfterBreakfast Thu 16-Jul-09 08:54:36

Can understand why your dh is offended and upset. Your mother is being ridiculously precious and very rude to your dh.

Your mother is being very unreasonable.
YABU if you are taking her side against dh (not clear if you are doing that or just stuck in the middle).

But, for the sake of a quiet life, let her clean your carpets, and perhaps have a word with her and ask her to apologise to your dh. Sounds like she handled that really badly.

Uriel Thu 16-Jul-09 09:03:12

The help your dh gave your mother doesn't give him an entitlement to use her things.

I can't believe he/you wouldn't replace the cleaner if it broke while you were using it. Perhaps your mum knows that...

TrillianAstra Thu 16-Jul-09 09:11:44

"No my DH wouldH not offer to replace it if it were broken while we used it."

Well in that case I can see why she wouldn't want to let him use her one new possession.

She is being a bit precious about it, but it's kind of understandable in her situation. She isn't saying 'no you can't have it', she's saying 'I will do it for you'. It's a bit different.

Can't you just handwave it away to your DH as 'silly old woman, she's got very attached to that carpet cleaner, well let's take advantage of her sillyness and let her clean all our carpets'.

Silver1 Thu 16-Jul-09 09:17:23

You are being unreasonable-as is your mum. Your husband probably doesn't care about being owed one as such, just about the fact that your MIL treats him like a grown up man when she needs him and like a little boy when she doesn't.
I would tell my mum to forget it then you will hire one. And tell your husband sorry that you seemed to be backing up your mum.

Silver1 Thu 16-Jul-09 09:17:24

You are being unreasonable-as is your mum. Your husband probably doesn't care about being owed one as such, just about the fact that your MIL treats him like a grown up man when she needs him and like a little boy when she doesn't.
I would tell my mum to forget it then you will hire one. And tell your husband sorry that you seemed to be backing up your mum.

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