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To expect dp to stand up for me and ds?

(17 Posts)
PrammyMammy Wed 15-Jul-09 18:30:32

Dp works 5 days a week and i work 3 days per week and study 1 day, well i did but it is the summer holidays and i have just started maternity leave.
Got a text the other day at 3pm from mil saying she is coming over, but i was out visiting my own sick granny and had made plans to meet my mum and go swimming, so i replied saying i wasn't in but dp would be home at 6pm. She asked whether i would be back by six with ds and i said around six yes.
Note my pil have never really visited us, it is a new thing after us suggesting they visit because ds 18 mo didn't know them well.
I cancel the swimming with my mum so i could be home in time so ds could see them for a bit before bed time. I was minding my 3 year old niece also so she was with me too.
They were there when i arrived, so i got to making the teas and coffees as requested, leaving the two dcs in the sitting room with PIL. In that time, the kids managed to knock a large photo off the wall with a ball and smash it, by the time i came from the kitchen none of the ILs had moved, or moved the dcs, or said anything about the smashed photo, leaving me to sort them out and do the tea. Dp came home while it was going on thankfully and suggested we sit outside as it was nice. Ds needed his nappy changing first so dp went to do that and mil piped up, "you've been working all day and you come home and are having to change nappies too"
I was raging, she had hardly uttered a word before that, and said,
"What do you think i haven't changed a nappy today?"
Or done anything else for that matter? (didn't say that though lol) But dp just gave me a look.
Now i know i am on maternity leave, but i did work three days a week and i do 90% of the house work. Dp doesn't ever do ironing, washing, sweeping, mopping, hoovering, changing bed clothes, dusting, dishes ect. He does pick up toys and make dinner though, but i don't mind, that is the way things are.
Yesterday she sat and had a conversation with a lady at a birthday party ds was invited to about ds and the birthday boy being so different considering there are only 6 months between them(ds is 18mo, boy is 2), ds can only say a handful of words, and hasn't been introduced to a potty yet. I was embarrassed and angry, we were in a room full of kids and she referred to my ds as the 'bottom of the pecking order' What the heck does that mean? Again DP tells me just to leave it. I wouldn't leave it if it was my own mum though.

Morloth Wed 15-Jul-09 18:34:39

Sounds like she is looking for an argument, personally? I would give her one.

PrincessToadstool Wed 15-Jul-09 18:35:42


The nappy comment I'd ignore, some people still think men should be greeted with a smile and a drink and a clean house with silent children, well fuck 'em

She sounds awful, I can't believe she'd let you DS smash and break things and just sit there shock I don't think I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you - but agree DH should stand up for you, sounds like he is just being a wimp and scared of upsetting his mother.

StayFrosty Wed 15-Jul-09 18:38:25

yanbu. presumably you are heavily pg? pils should be making you a cup of tea instead of sitting on their arses letting the dcs wreck the joint.

I would refuse to accommodate tehm any further. Don't change your plans, let dp host all visits etc, you get upstairs on the bed and get your feet up. You should be chilling out and saving your strength up for your new LO, you do not need to be doing hostess with the mostessing for a hatchet faced old witch.

Your dp needs to man up next time they invite themselves round, say 'well prammy has enough on her plate, she can't really be fetching and carrying for visitors, but I will be in at x time and you can come then' or similar.

wolfnipplechips Wed 15-Jul-09 18:50:07

YANBU she is spoiling for an argument your dh should really say something but if he's not going to then i think you should just say it straight in a non confontational way.

You do have to remember re potty training speaking etc that they don't really remember. My mum guilt tripped me so much about my ds that i had hime referred to a speech therapist, i saw her yesterday and wanted the ground to open up and swallow me as there is clearly nothing wrong with ds 2yo he never shut up during the whole thing. When i told my mum she said "you've made a very worried grandma happier" When she saw dd 6 hours post ventouse delivery she cried because she was sure she had a "syndrome" shes a loon and going to be a mare as a MIL to some poor woman when db settles down.

PrammyMammy Wed 15-Jul-09 18:51:33

Well, there is little chance of silent children in this house lol!

Dp sees it like she hasn't made any effort so far (the visiting is a new thing) and he suggested that they make more effort for ds sake, so he doesn't want to put them off and go back to them having no interest in us. Which i can see where he is coming from, but otoh it's driving me crazzzy.

I am 32 weeks pg, but have been suffering PGP and have crutches and a big belt to wear when things are bad so i am on early mat leave. So not totally heavily pg, but getting there.

And you would stop a 1 and 3 year old throwing balls about even if they are not your own kids right? I would anyway.

StayFrosty Wed 15-Jul-09 18:57:41

ooooh, Prammy, I am 30 weeks and have PGP, I'm not bad enough to be on crutches though, I feel your pain (literally) - I think it is as bad as being v heavily pg. In fact, weirdly, I have recently had to put my foot down and say no mil visits when dp not around as she pays lip service to 'wanting to help' but then sits there on her arse letting me do everything. And she is a v nice woman (apart from this) so you are even more nbu in my book.

wolfnipplechips Wed 15-Jul-09 19:04:21

If you are on crutches and looking after an 18 mo then i would say its damn right dh changes a nappy and they should certainly be making you tea, i would only have them visit when dh is there or could they collect ds to give you some time off.

PrammyMammy Wed 15-Jul-09 19:28:36

It is rubbish isn't it Frosty. The physio leaves me feeling worse each time i visit. Trying to figure out if it is that, the raging hormones, a mixture of both or just the annoying ILs that are making me so angry lol.

Silver1 Wed 15-Jul-09 19:42:05

TBH-I'd put your foot down with MIL, say out loud what you are thinking, and let DH know why.
Take it from me it just gets worse if they think they can get away with it-in my case it's FIL.

rupertsabear Wed 15-Jul-09 19:43:08

It won't be long before your ds starts to understand comments like "bottom of the pecking order". Those kinds of things can be very damaging to a child's self-confidence. If she's not going to be lovely to him then I'd be a bit careful about let her take him.

independiente Wed 15-Jul-09 19:52:11

I don't know why some women are like this. (My own MIL is wonderful, and reading this I feel doubly lucky).
I think you have to explain to your DP why it is vital that you speak up for yourself and your son, and why it is vital that he speaks up for you both. So that everyone can exist with their self-esteem intact. It doesn't have to be said to the PIL in an atmosphere of animosity - rather, it is more effective if calm and thought-out - so your DP needs to be on board.

MiniMarmite Wed 15-Jul-09 20:02:36

My MIL is from the 'dinner on the table when DH gets home school of thought' but even she would make me put my feet up and make me a cup of tea and do a nappy change (or be happy for DH to do it) if I were pregnant, on crutches and had an 18 month old too.

YANBU at all

PrammyMammy Wed 15-Jul-09 20:29:56

Dp said that when she said bottom of the pecking order she meant the youngest child at the party, but it was said in the same breath as putting him down for being so far behind the birthday boy in development. A lot can change in 6 months though at that age i know from having my niece around so much, so i guess she could have just forgotten.
I know if it was my mum, sis, friend etc i would just say something without thinking, don't know why she is different, i don't want to be the demon dil.

SJisontheway Wed 15-Jul-09 20:51:50

She sounds like a PITA. I'd find it hard to say nothing too. Giving her the benefit of the doubt re the pecking order comment, do you think she may just have been trying to make the other boys parent feel good. I sometimes compliment friends dc's saying how advanced they are etc etc. I don't mean to put my lo down (obviously I think she is a genius) but just want to say something nice about their dc. The phrase is out of order either way obviously.

StayFrosty Wed 15-Jul-09 21:12:47

I think the fact that she sees convivial social interaction as having a 'pecking order' speaks volumes about her attitude in the first place tbh.

<PGP hijack> Prammy have you tried osteopathy at all? I also found the physio to be v unhelpful, and cannot get on with my big belt in this muggy weather at all, but on the recommendation of a mum from toddler group I have had a couple of osteopathy sessions and felt a lot better after each one, and am now feeling a bit evangelical about it. </PGP hijack>

PrammyMammy Wed 15-Jul-09 22:14:05

Glad it's not just me who thinks she's a pita. Gaud she drives me nuts.

Frosty, i haven't no, but it was recommended by someone on here. Hopefully i can manage the last few weeks doing as little as possible. The physio keeps on rolling my left side back into place, it is agony for a few days afterwards but it eases off.

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