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to think FiL is being a twonk?

(22 Posts)
Chulita Wed 15-Jul-09 12:07:32

Short story: My in-laws are hard work.

Right so DH is always getting whinged at for not phoning them. (He doesn't phone often because when he does all he gets is 2 hours of the "when are you going to get promoted? your wife's holding you back" speech and he's bored of it) Every now and then I send MiL a card, sometimes from me, sometimes 'from' DD just telling her the latest tooth/now sitting up/might roll over one day bumf that grannies like to hear. Yesterday MiL phoned up to say she'd got the card and photo that I sent but wanted to mention that I hadn't included FiL's name on the card. I said that the card was meant for her, not excluding him but I was just sending her a card. She said that the last time I sent her a card he got annoyed that I hadn't included him in it. She asked if I would mind if she just scribbled his name in it hmm. I said that no, she shouldn't because I'd written the card to her, not to him. Now, I'm not a petty woman, my dad is impossible to offend so it didn't even cross my mind that if I wrote a note to MiL my FiL would be offended - I write just to my mum about baby stuff cos my dad's just not that bothered about how many poos DD's done today. FiL is the least 'hands-on' dad/grandad I've ever met, but he acts like a spoilt child most of the time and MiL encourages it. Yet another In-law thing in a long string and I'm so peed orf - a small thing I know but AIBU?

MIAonline Wed 15-Jul-09 12:13:42

YANBU, they both sound like 'twonks'

Could spend ages telling you to be fair to them and try for the sake of your DD,blah, blah, blah, but just can't be bothered grin

So my advice is ust send the card next time with both names and wait to see what you have done wrong next time. wink

Chulita Wed 15-Jul-09 12:21:52

I would still get something wrong - at DD's baptism MiL told me off for giving her a biscuit hmm. I would have given her something more substantial but MiL wouldn't put her down and I wasn't going to BLW spaghetti hoops while DD was being held...in retrospect I probably should have grin
The only reason I don't want to include FiL's name now is because then I feel like I'm giving in to his childishness and encouraging that sort of thinking...actually makes me angry that it's wound me up so much! angry (just had to do the face to prove it )

readyfornumber2and3 Wed 15-Jul-09 12:22:29

YANBU but agree with MIAonline its easier to just put his name on it in the future lol
You sound like a very caring DIL to be sending her regular updates, I certainly wouldnt go to that much effort for my MIL lol

My inlaws are divorced and MIL remarried a few years ago when DP was in his mid 20s so in DPs eyes step FIL has never been a father figure yet MIL expects DP to send him a Fathers day card hmm step FIL has 2 daughters of his own to do that!

LilRedWG Wed 15-Jul-09 12:27:07

I think I'd just stop sending the cards, but I am a mean and selfish person, so you may not want to listen to me.

Theinvisibleone Wed 15-Jul-09 13:08:38

I agree with LilRedWG, they are being petty and asking you to jump through hoops. (I am also v. mean and selfish so feel free to ignore. wink)

Chulita Wed 15-Jul-09 13:38:03

I had thought of over-doing it and sending MiL a card every week and not including him but I might just stop sending them. If they can get offended that easily then I reckon I'm onto a loser regardless. Only a matter of time before I offend them mortally anyway...

LuvLee Wed 15-Jul-09 16:00:09

Surely the simple solution is to just write his name on the card. That way you can continue to send your cards and both MiL and FiL are happy.

celticbohys Wed 15-Jul-09 16:14:31

Tbh i think i would just stop sending the cards too (another meeniesmile).

Otherwise i would just not put names on card and only surname on envelope. That way it's not really addressed to either of them.

Chulita Wed 15-Jul-09 16:20:18

luvlee I know the simple solution is to add him on - I'm not this petty honestly - I just get annoyed that he can't handle the fact that his wife gets a card and he's not on it...it's not his card! does he get offended when the dentist sends MiL a check-up reminder and his name's not on it? Ay ay ay...I shouldn't get this wound up about something soooooo small it is just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back though tbh.

Tambajam Wed 15-Jul-09 16:21:25

I think they definitely sound like twonks but I would still put his name in the next card.

sweetfall Wed 15-Jul-09 16:23:56

you ARE a petty woman though - she has told you it annoyed him (ie upset him) and she is telling you nicely that she'd like you to include him in the card and she is going to add his name to it if it's ok with you

what is the problem with that? I can totally understand him feeling left out. He's the grandfather - why would you leave his name off?

No-one knows what goes on in other peoples relationships. Maybe your MIL doesn't mind that you don't include your FIL name on the card but your FIL goes batshit at your MIL that you don't and she just wants an easy life as well. I think my FIL, whilst not saying anything as he is lovely, would be a little hurt if I hadn't included him on a card about his GC.

YABU, just write his name and rise above.

fanjolina Wed 15-Jul-09 16:33:03

If it were me I'd wind her up by sending the next card just to FIL

LuvLee Wed 15-Jul-09 16:43:48

Chulita, I know what you're saying, but think about it from their point of view. A card from their dear grand-daughter is delivered but is addressed only to grandmum. Granddad's probably thinking 'what am I, chopped liver'? Just because he's a man doesn't mean he's not a big softie!!

Chulita Wed 15-Jul-09 17:32:23

Fair enough. If he was an interested Gdad I would never deliberately leave him out - in fact I didn't deliberately not include him. A little note about DD's latest thing is something Grannies usually appreciate rather than Grandpas. Add to that the fact that when we see them he never holds her or plays with her, he just talks shop with DH, and that he's told DH several times that if he hadn't married me and had a child he'd have been promoted years ago. I suppose I read into the lack of cuddles/playing and thought maybe he wasn't interested. He never asks about DD when he's on a marathon phone call to either DH or me.
He's not a violent/aggressive man but he does get the sulks and MiL treats him like a petulant child and gives in to his moods. We were brought up to get on with stuff and our family tends not to get offended very easily which is why I think this has just got on my nerves grin FiL is more touchy because his name wasn't on the card, he honestly couldn't care less what was actually written in it.
So yes, I agree that IABU to some extent to let this niggle at me, it's a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but the more I pander to his moods, the more I'll find I have to do to keep him happy...
Honestly though, he's a man who likes to boast about where his son works because it makes him feel special. I was going to phone him later and clear the air but seriously, everytime I chat to him I say something that he has to ask DH to clarify smile I think the two of us are destined never to understand each other.

Chulita Wed 15-Jul-09 17:33:42

I tell a lie...he does hold DD long enough for MiL to get a photo of him holding her but that's literally it - pick up, smile, put down...maybe he does care after all hmm

zeke Wed 15-Jul-09 17:43:45

Yes, definately twonks.
You are an angel for bothering to send her a card at all with that kind of attitude. I know she wouldn't be getting anymore from me!

Lemonylemon Thu 16-Jul-09 12:27:48

You are being a leetle bit unreasonable - but understandably so. I'd be tempted not to send any more cards, but then I'd cave... how about just sending a card without any names on it....

OrmIrian Thu 16-Jul-09 12:31:09

Right both their names on it.

Stigaloid Thu 16-Jul-09 12:33:37

YABU - it is rude to exclude him from his grand-daughters progress and if he has mentioned it upset him before and she would like to include him you shouldn't omit him. I think you are being offensive to exclude him.

zipzap Thu 16-Jul-09 16:15:35

or occasionally send one to just your FIL and miss her name off - if she mentions it, you can say that you do think of both of them but you wanted to treat them both as individuals and grown ups, you didn't think you had to treat them identically...

send a few to both of them too, but throw in individual ones too (especially if your dd does something that is particularly relevant to one of them).

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