to be a bit hurt by Mum's reaction (long!)(19 Posts)
I suspect the answer here is probably yes -am a bit hormonal (3 months up the duff plus flu) so need the mumsnet jury before I have a conversation I may regret!
My Mum and I have a good relationship and she dotes on DD but in the last couple of weeks has said a couple of things that have left me a bit hurt, not so much because of what she said but that she said them as her inital reaction.
When I told her about DC II she said congratulations, then added that as the due date clashed with an important golf event she would not be able to look after DD while I was in hospital. Fair enough, it is very important to her, but I was a bit taken aback it was her second comment about a new grandchild.
This week DD and I have flu, the first thing Mum said was that she wouldn't be coming to 'nurse' us. Then she asked how we were doing. She has called lots since and says she feels guilty she isn't here, and I wouldn't want her catching it anyway, but it would have been nice to know I could have called for support if things got worse.
Mum is the only GP so we try and make sure DD sees her every month but have to fit in around her golf and other committments (she is retired but v.busy). As DH and I both work and it's a 2 hr journey it can be tricky. When she comes here I make sure we do lots of fun family stuff, and don't ask for support / babysitting normally - in fact I hadn't asked when she said she couldn't!
Have realised while typing this that the 2 comments above have rankled more because they just seem to reinforce that her golf and charity work is more important than seeing DD (and new DC) - which it could well be as she is building a new life after being widowed and retiring 2 years ago.
So am probably being a brat, but still feel hurt. So, AIBU?
do you think there is a man involved in her golf
She maybe is worried because she's the only grandparent she'll be put upon and is laying her cards on the table now ?
I'd try not to take offense, my mum has come out with a few corkers over the years and you have to forgive them because you only get one mum
I thik maybe she's just subtly letting you know that she can't be relied on for childcare and things like that as she is enjoying her life and is too busy. Maybe she wanted to get it in early so there's no misunderstandings and so you can sort out other help and it's just come out in a bit of a blunt and cack handed way?
I'd try not to let it get to you unless it keeps happening.
I think YABU tbh. She has done her turn of bringing you up, and is obviously enjoying her new life - and good on her.
I think she's doing the right thing
And she loves you
And she loves your children
But she is letting you know that it's your family and she will do her utmost but you shouldn't expect her to be the fall-back guy
But she loves you
Don't feel hurt - you can't blame her for building her own life
Hmm, it's tricky isn't it?
You wouldn't want your Mother to be lonely and as you live a 2hours journey away, you can't there for her all the time, so she has gone ou and got herself a new life and hobbies to fill her time.
She probably didn't pick her time right to come out with those statements, but it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you and your DD (new baby, congrats btw).
My Mom lives about the same distance away and when she first divorced she was on the phone all the time/coming up to visit/inviting us down to hers and it was hard work. Now she has joined Match.com and got an active social life I never hear from her, let alone see her (except when she has IT issues and she is desperate to email her many Match-Men ). I do get slightly hurt, but am happy that she is happy.
I think you're right - subtlety has never been her strong point. I suppose I was just a bit taken a back because we've never asked for any help.
I've been really trying to encourage her to get out and about since Dad died, even to get dating again (sadly - don't think a bloke is involved..yet!) so am pleased she is so busy, just thought she'd want to be more involved with DD too.
hmm, perhaps just time for me to re-set my expectations.
I think it is very good she has her golf and I think you should be encouraging ioit all teh way.if she builds her life round her GC what would happen in 10 yrs time when they move on a bit .She would have nothing left.It doesn't mean that if you really needed her she wouldn't be there in a heart beat though
I don't reckon it's as conscious as that, letting you know, etc.
It's probably just her worrying about the impact of another baby, just like you probably do, and thinking aloud, especially if as you say she's never been super diplomatic.
I think you should be glad that your Mum has a life and interests of her own outside of the family.
YAB a bit U if you expect her to always put you and your DCs first before her own commitments.
If she hadn't worked hard at building a new life for herself after widowhood then she would probably have become a great deal more dependent on you for emotional support. Not necessarily what you would want.
Problem is, when you are ill with flu all you want is your Mummy to tuck you into bed and provide Ribena!
And nothing worse than having flu and looking after a LO whilst pg as well.
I think it is easy for some GPs to forget about their DCs when they are so busy with their own lives. And its hard to accept that something as wanky as golf can be important to someone else. She did put it in a crass way though about the tournament!
I had the same...when trying to make up a rota of folks who may be able to help look after DS1 for a bit if DS2 came at an akward moment I was told in no uncertain terms that golf days were not available for booking. Yes, I was hormonal, but I thought that was utter shite. I still do actually and I am not (that!) hormonal now. I think some folks are just selfish TBH. I think it needs no more analysis than that. Yes, my parents put a lot into bringing me up, but are they really saying they cannot possibly miss one single golf session if it clashes with the one and only day of their second grandchilds birth...?
And who says commitment to your children ends at retirement anyway???
So YANBU...but equally, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you, just maybe a bit caught up in her own life, of which I guess we are all guilty at times.
I would be very hurt at either of those comments so I don't think you are being unreasonable. I know it's not easy but I think you should clear the air by saying to her what you're saying here. Maybe if she's offering to visit or have you visit you could say something like 'Are you sure you want us to though? I know I might be being oversensitive but I was hurt when you said...' and let her explain herself.
I know it's far easier for me to say that than to actually do it, but I do think it could lead to a conversation that leaves you both knowing where you stand with the new baby on the way (congrats btw).
Have same sort of thing with my mum and my PIL. My mum will come at the drop of a hat, cancel work, drive 2 hours up the road if need be.
PIL need 2 weeks notice so they can negotiate bridge club, book clubs to drive 20mins away. Find it a bit perplexing TBH!
Have had to learn to be a bit zen about it TBH
My Mum can be the same. She lives 2 hours away so there has never been an expectation of babysitting or her helping out in any way. I was still astounded when I had DS2 and she told me she wouldnt be able to come and visit me as 'we dont have any holidays left'. She had known for 7 months about me being pg and had gone ahead and booked a six week holiday using up all her holiday entitlement. I had hoped she might of wanted to save just one day to come and see her dgc
I'm a single parent and very much on my own and while I dont expect it, it would of been nice for her to want to come and see us
I take the zen approach with my mum too. I left home 20 years ago and in that time have asked for her help just twice, when dd and then our twins were born. When I asked her if she would be able to come and stay to look after dd while i was in hospital having twins (knew in advance they would be delivered at 37 weeks by section) she said yes fine, but how long was I planning to stay in hospital for because she would have to put her dog in kennels and wouldn't want to leave her there for more than a week because she'd pine....(the dog, not my mum!).
I'm pretty much over the flu now and feeling much more zen. Mum sent over a lovely bunch of flowers to cheer me up, which was almost as as good as tucking me up with some Ribena
I'm really pleased for her she has so much going on. The clash with due date of DC2 is quite unusual as it's when she becomes lady captain (don't cha know) and she is really disapointed we won't be there for her big day - family usually turn out and lend a hand. There is no way she can reschedule so I do understand. She probably feels a little let down by my family planning skills as she had let me know about the date! .
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