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AIBU?

to expect my doula to keep in touch with me?

57 replies

disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 21:47

I have namechanged. I will try and keep it short. I used a doula for the birth of my DS in February. I had a fantastic experience (a big part was due to the doula).

I then used the same doula for extra help with my 3 other DC, she did school run for a few weeks, washing, tidied around etc. She was a big help. I thought I was a good client, often told her to go early, was happy for her to bring her own DC (post -natally), paid promptly, gave her a lovley thank you presant etc etc.

Anyway I have emailed her a couple of times since she left, just chit chat to see how she and her family are and she has never come back to me. I feel very sad, AIBU? After all I invited her to the one of the most intimate experiences of my life - is the odd email too much to ask?

OP posts:

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QuintessentialShadow · 12/07/2009 21:50

Ya tiny bit U.

She is a professional, you paid for her service, she is not your friend. She has moved on, hopefully to the next client.

You dont stay friends with your gp, your relationship with the gp or the midwife, or the obstetrician, or therapist, could be pretty intimate too, in the same respect?

disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 21:52

That is how I have been trying to look at it! I guess it is the fact I 'invited' her to be at the birth.

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sazlocks · 12/07/2009 21:52

sorry you are feeling so sad about this
maybe she is busy with other clients, maybe she has stuff going on, maybe she can't possibly keep up with all her clients, maybe she hasn't got your emails... did she say she would keep in touch ?

wolfnipplechips · 12/07/2009 21:53

YANBU to be sad but YABU to expect her to keep in touch, with a job and dc of her own i bet she finds it hard to keep in touch with friends never mind clients, i know i do.

for you though.

MrsGum · 12/07/2009 21:53

agree with Quintessentialshadow, she's not your friend

disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 21:54

saz Thank you. I know it is true. No we did'nt say we would keep in touch, I wish i had realised how much she would mean to me - am I really sad?

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Nancy66 · 12/07/2009 21:56

We become friends with people we work with/employ don't we?

If you got along well and 'clicked' and felt it was more than a professional relationship I can understand you feeling disappointed.

drinkyourmilk · 12/07/2009 21:57

I'm not sure you 'invited' her to your birth. You paid her to do a job. I'm sorry to be harsh - but yabu - she's not a friend, you simply had a very friendly relationship. I do understand why you are a sad though - it's such a stressful/wonderful time in your life that when someone provides relief and friendship so effectively it's hard to see proffesional boundries.

disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 21:58

Nancy I don't know - I did'nt expect to keep in touch after she had finished her job but she was such a fundamental part of the wonderful birth i became very fond of her.

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disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 22:00

Prehaps it is time to let go.

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Nancy66 · 12/07/2009 22:01

I doubt she's blanking you - you'd think she'd stay in touch from a purely professional point of view. You might require her services again and/or you might recommend her to friends.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 12/07/2009 22:01

I agree with drinkyourmilk.

You paid her to be at your birth, you didn't 'invite' her to be there.

AitchTwoOh · 12/07/2009 22:02

are you sure you've got the right email address? blanking you is rude, there are ways to ditch people without causing offence.

disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 22:04

Aitch See thats what I think. How long does it take to email someone?

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disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 22:06

I will interview other doulas if I have another DC because it would seem odd use her service when she has blanked me.

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mumtoted · 12/07/2009 22:11

I paid for an independant midwife and I would consider her a friend. We don't chat on the phone but we exchange Christmas cards & the odd email. I know she is always pleased to hear from me. YANBU.

AitchTwoOh · 12/07/2009 22:15

like nancy says, she should be answering you even if she loathes you, so that you'll recommend her. it'll be a mix-up more than likely.

ScummyMummy · 12/07/2009 22:15

Aww. I think it's lovely that she meant so much to you. Honestly. I don't think you are unreasonable to feel sad that someone very nice who was part of your life at such a special time (and indeed helped to make that time so special) has now moved on. But I also agree with the others that she's not being unreasonable to have moved on, either. She's doing one of those difficult jobs where she needs to be genuinely emotionally available, sympathetic and friendly but is not in the role of friend. Sounds like she's achieved that so well that you wish she was a permanent friend rather than someone paid to do a job for you and there is nothing wrong with you making overtures to that effect via email at all. But if she chooses not to respond she is not failing in either her job or as a person. I bet she treasures the memory of her time with you and your family but she may have strict boundaries about moving on and keeping in touch. You may need to file her in the happy memories box rather than the potential friend one, perhaps.

disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 22:16

Aitch I am starting to wonder if she does not like me, not sure why she would loathe me.

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disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 22:17

SM That is a lovley way to put it. I did wonder about professional boundaries.

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abraid · 12/07/2009 22:21

Perhaps she has a spam filter that's over-enthusiastic? And isn't getting your emails?

AitchTwoOh · 12/07/2009 22:26

but don't, you daftie. it's the absolutely least likely explanation.

to now be blanking you, and therefore souring a relationship with an ex-client, she'd have to think you were abominable. she will be relying on you to get her more work through word of mouth, she'd have to be nuts to jeopardise that for the want of writing 'so lovely to hear from you, how's the baby? and oh my goodness i've been run off my feet recently, work's been hectic, sorry about that last email i didn't answer'.

it's so much more likely that she has, as abraid says, a new spam filter, or has changed email or something.

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disappointedwithd · 12/07/2009 22:28

Aitch

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littlestarschildminding · 13/07/2009 18:17

Perhaps her computer is broken?

Lulumama · 13/07/2009 18:23

far more likely she has a broken computer,spam filter or she is run off her feet.

but on another level, especially if she is busy , booked up doula, she does not want to be friends..but i agree a quick reply would be better than banking, but see above re why she has probably not replied

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