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... to resent my Mother teaching my son manners?

(139 Posts)
NewMumof1 Sun 12-Jul-09 14:59:31

My son has just turned 2 and like any small toddler has a short attention span. When we visit my mother he gets bored and acts up sometimes. Last time he tossed one of her DVDs across the room and she got annoyed and said "Go and pick that up and give it to me please" really sternly. Although he did what he was told and my Mum didn't shout at him or anything, he seemed quite scared. She also insists that he says please and thank-you whenever he asks for anything or else he doesn't get what he wants. I've tried to tell my mother that he's only 2 and doesn't really understand but she insists on "good manners, at least when he's in my house". I know she loves both me and her grandson very much, but am I being unreasonable in being a bit hacked off by this?

Thunderduck Sun 12-Jul-09 15:00:14


Twims Sun 12-Jul-09 15:00:44

I expect a 1 year old to say please and thank you when they want something - so yabu.

Greensleeves Sun 12-Jul-09 15:01:42

If he was mine and that was the deal, he wouldn't BE "in her house" until she calmed down and agreed to a compromise

I think it's fine for her to say "please don't throw my things, please fetch it and give it back to me" and if that happens I think you should back her up

but there is no need for being stern and scary with a toddler, and he is your child, not hers, so I wouldn't be pleased about her current stance.

Can you discuss it with her and come to a consensus?

stubbyfingers Sun 12-Jul-09 15:02:26

YABU. Of course children should be taught manners as soon as they are starting to speak.

Thunderduck Sun 12-Jul-09 15:03:17

I don't see anything wrong with saying it in a stern voice.
Some toddlers burst into tears if you so much as glance at them, it doesn't mean that they've been terrorised.

differentID Sun 12-Jul-09 15:04:41

sorry, your mum is right, otherwise why give yourself a really hard job later on when his personality is so much less amenable to being corrected?
maybe if you spoke to her about maybe changing her tone a little, but insisted on the positive beaviour yourself it would be a decent compromise?

Weegle Sun 12-Jul-09 15:04:54

YABU - like Twims I expect a 1 year old to make an attempt at Please and Thank You and he's definitely not too young to learn you don't thrown anything except balls outside. Much easier the younger you start and it's all just a natural progression.

preggersplayspop Sun 12-Jul-09 15:05:02

My son has just turned 2 and he says please and thank you because we repeat it often to him. Though, I am soft with him and I will roll my eyes and sigh but still give him something if he didn't say thank you!

He can be a naughty little devil (a LOT of the time), but I do love it when he asks for something and says please without prompting.

saintmaybe Sun 12-Jul-09 15:05:48

No harm in her asking for what she wants kindly and respectfully though.

is she a bit angry about something?

mummyrex Sun 12-Jul-09 15:05:51

if he was scared he probably would have run to you. IME a 2 yr old os old enough to say please and thank you so I think YABU

roundwindow Sun 12-Jul-09 15:11:30

YANBU... I was in a very similar situation when mine were small with my somewhat 'old school' mother and her endless expectations which were so out of kilter with mine. Sometimes I felt like I might as well just dress them in sailor suits.

I dunno, I'm a wimp when it comes to my mum but I always found the easiest way to handle it was to let her say her piece, not back her up but not contradict her either. And wait. As a result, she actually had far less of an impact than she'd have liked, my main objective was to make sure that DCs were never distressed by her more hardline stance. And I don't think they were. As long as you feel confident that they're getting your influence and unconditional love most of the time I think it 's probably healthy for them to start to learn that different grown-ups have different rules/expectations.

itchyandscratchy Sun 12-Jul-09 15:11:50

why are some people so scared of saying no to their children? Both of our dds have had it drummed into them to say please and thankyou (or they don't get what they're asking for) and I would certainly not hesitate in telling a 2 year old that throwing a dvd is not acceptable and they would need to say sorry.

Both dds are complimented on their manners now (they are 7 and 3) but certainly haven;t suffered for it. They are happy and outgoing; we don't shout but we do insist on good manners. AS a consequence we can take them places with us without fear of poor behaviour. I like that I can give them a look and they know what it means if they're out of line.

Greensleeves Sun 12-Jul-09 15:12:30

nobody on the thread has said that her son shouldn't learn manners or be told 'no' though.

Jaquelinehyde Sun 12-Jul-09 15:13:32

YABU I would be upset if my Mum didn't expect/teach manners to my children.

scienceteacher Sun 12-Jul-09 15:13:55

You should thank your mum and then follow her example.

nelix2000 Sun 12-Jul-09 15:14:00

YABU, my 2 year old was saying thankyou long before he was 18 months and says it to people in shops now etc as we started good manners young. Like other say, if you start now it makes it a lot easier down the line

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 12-Jul-09 15:14:39

YABU. Never too early to start teaching good manners.

mosschops30 Sun 12-Jul-09 15:14:51

YABU its perfectly acceptable for a 2 year old to be told not to throw something that belongs to someone else. Do you allow him to throw his friends toys across the room??
And IMHO a 2 year old should be saying please and thank you.
On the other hand my mother lets my dcs run wild, and behave how they want which is equally as disturbing to me

Jaquelinehyde Sun 12-Jul-09 15:18:33

Oh and my youngest turned 2 last month. If she threw a DVD accross the room, I would tell her that she should pick it up immediately and that you don't throw things. I would also tell her to apologise to the person it belonged to because throwing is silly behaviour.

coppola Sun 12-Jul-09 15:19:12

You expect a ONE year old to say please and thank you?

Neither of mine could talk when they were one, so you'd be waiting a long time.

I think there are tones and ways of doing this that aren't scary.

My df once said to my dd when we were at a posh restaurant that he had insisted on going to, when he had vetoed me taking things for her to do (I should have said no, but I was young...) that she was on adult time and therefore would behave like an adult. She was four. Extreme, but some of the older generation do have unrealistic expectations.

roundwindow Sun 12-Jul-09 15:20:07

what Greensleeves said.... I think OP is NBU but I do value manners. However there are lots of ways to teach a child manners. Modelling is my favourite. Speak to them how you wish them to speak to you ffs. I've never been a fan of witholding the thing they want and crossly insisting they say what they're told to say.

CarpePerDiems Sun 12-Jul-09 15:21:57

What's extreme about adult time in a restaurant, coppola? That's always how we've explained it when a situation calls for different behaviour to the norm. It doesn't mean the world will end if they don't cope, but it helps them understand what's expected.

HellHathNoFury Sun 12-Jul-09 15:22:30

I have been teaching DS manners since he was about 16 months... and quite frankly I think it's fine if other people help me enforce it, as long as it's kindly.
His nursery don't enforce it which TBH just makes my job harder.


HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 12-Jul-09 15:22:32

coppola - the op's child is two. And at two, they can say please and thank you! - or peas and tantoo. grin

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