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To refuse to do any more of DDs feckng project for her.

(38 Posts)
EccentricaGallumbits Sun 12-Jul-09 11:23:44

I hate projects with a fecking passion.

Every time I need to force her to take some sort of interest.

I do hours of researching for her and with her, with huge amounts of enthusiasm and encouragemment.

I take her on trips to the library.

I take her to relevent places (Museums, ,mountains, etc)

I buy her equipment.

I buy her books and read them to her.

I help her plan

I remind her to do bits of work

Then it comes up to the week before the fecking masterpiece has to be handed in.

DD gets more and more upset, anxious, frustrated.

She demands more help.

She throws things aound.

She rips up work because it isn't good enough.

She shouts

She swears

She expects me to start all over again and do all the work for her.

She pushes me until I loose my temper then twists it all around to make me feel bad about not helping her enough.

She has now been shouting, crying, swearing and screaming at me for 2 hours.

I have my own work I need to be doing. I don't care about what greek buildings were like.

I am not a builder nor an engineer.

I don't know how to fix one piece of cardboard onto another.

I can not do it. Every fecking time this happens and i swear next time i won't be doing it again.

every time i tell her i can't help her because she has to do some work for herself.

I am considering copying ths into an email to the fecking school.

This is why I do not educate her at home.

I am not a good teacher. I don't want to be a teacher. I send her to school to do this stuff because I don't like it and nor does she..

It is not good for family life or our relationship.

I have an hour before I have to go to work and have spent the whole sodding morning coaxing her along and fending off brewing arguments and now it has all exploded. Once again our limited time together as a family has been spoilt.

dizzymare Sun 12-Jul-09 11:27:27

Personally I would stop helping all together, then when it's not done and she gets pulled up on it at school, it's only down to her! You sound like you are doing far too much for her and that's what's making her kick off when you don't wave your wand and fix it. She needs to earn that you don't rely on others do do stuff which is your responsibilty.

famishedass Sun 12-Jul-09 11:27:34

Sounds like my dd - just leave her to it in future, works for me.

dizzymare Sun 12-Jul-09 11:27:57

to do blush

HuffwardlyRudge Sun 12-Jul-09 11:35:02

Obviously I only have the snapshot of your OP to go on, but my initial thought was that you are putting quite a lot of pressure on her. If you've taken her on field trips and directed her reading and research all to your high standards but she doesn't have a natural affinity with a subject, there's no wonder she feels that what she writes isn't good enough, and finds the whole process stressful.

Surely any good grades she might get she will feel she didn;t earn?

Why not tell her (nicely) that for her next project SHE is in charge and you will assist in any way she asks, but only if and when she asks? Praise what she does, but don't take over.

Let her take ownership of her work. It will be much more rewarding for her.

And, if she fails spectacularly, then she will learn a lesson and with your encouragement and support, will do better next time.

It's not just learning about Greek buildings. It is about learning how to do a project, how to motivate herself, how to plan, how to stick to a deadline. You do her no favours by taking these learning opportunities away from her.

janeite Sun 12-Jul-09 11:40:56

Sorry but if my daughters had behaved in the way you describe, they would have been sent to bed hours ago. And I'd be writing to the teacher explaining why the homework had not been done and supporting school in whatever punishment they decided.

Hassled Sun 12-Jul-09 11:46:47

Just walk away. Janeite and HuffwardlyRouge are quite right - it sounds like you may have inadvertently put a lot of pressure on her, and she's behaving like a brat. Just leave it for the rest of the day, and see where she is then.

TrinityRhino Sun 12-Jul-09 11:46:59

how old is she?

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 12-Jul-09 11:51:14

uffwardly - I tried it that way. didn't work. Just more different sort of angst. Her 'ishoos' do go a bit deeper than just this. This is just an example of what she is like all the bloody time and why somehting like a school project is jsut no good.

She no longer does homework at home because tis was happeneing weekly. She does it at school instead.

In her mind It is all my fault. She honestly thinks I culd be helping her more. No matter how many times, in nice calm tones, in many different ways I and the school have pointed out this is her work. It makes not a jot of difference.

MIAonline Sun 12-Jul-09 11:51:49

She should not get away with shouting, screaming and swearing at you for 2 hours. completely agree with janeite.

HuffwardlyRudge Sun 12-Jul-09 11:53:11

grin @ HuffwardlyRouge. I like it!

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 12-Jul-09 11:54:20

What do you suggest then? parcel tape over her mouth? chain her to her bed?

What normally works for us, today isn't working.

drlove8 Sun 12-Jul-09 11:54:35

do not do your childs homework! she will not learn fully if you do it for her. by all means continue to help her, and encourage her as you have been doing. but stop doing it for her.
does she still expect you to wipe her bum as well?
your dd is acting spoilt, and you have fallen pray to the myth that you must do everything for your child to be a good mum..... trust me you can be too good to the dc! i did the same with my first born , until the teacher questioned one parents evening, why could dd complete all her homework no problem, but was struggeling in the classroom? blush. we were caught out, i was doing it for her!
so i stopped, let dd struggle for a bit, but eventually she got there in the end. was painful, we had the tears and screams too.
Now shes at high school and in the top classes, little madam was just being lasy! grin..... hope it works out for you soon! ,us mums have enough to do!

drlove8 Sun 12-Jul-09 11:59:56

You could offer to "swap" jobs with her?.tell her you'll do her project if she does every single thing in the house, including garden and childcare for any dc! make sure you include toilet scrubbing on the list. threat of being up close to a dirty bog/used nappy, sends fear into my dc and they usually stop asking then! grinwink

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 12-Jul-09 12:02:42

I have not been doing it for her.

I have helped and assisted with the preparation. I have advised and talked through the plans.

The problem is DD has utterly no concept of what 'helping' actually is.
I reiterate. She has other 'issues' goin on. She doesn't get it.The point is I fecking hate projects sent home because the school assume all the children are able to deal with this sort of self directed work.

DD can't do self directed stuff.

That means it is left to me to direct and fill in the gaps.

I don't like doing this.

I'm no good at it.

I don't want to.

If i don't DD then gets into a huge tizz anbout not being able to do it herself and takes it out on me. I then have to deal with screaming tantrums and stress and angst for weeks on end. That is what home projects do to us.

janeite Sun 12-Jul-09 12:06:21

Okay. I take it dd has SEN issues? In that case, the school should be aware of this and should break down 'projects' into small, manageable chunks. You can then offer small, time-fixed rewards, for each chunk done. One page of notes about Roman food by teatime = 10 minutes tv viewing. A labelled picture of a fortress by 5.30 = icecream after dinner. Whatever works.

HuffwardlyRudge Sun 12-Jul-09 12:06:49

How old is she?

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 12-Jul-09 12:08:23

She's 11. and going to secondary in September. Christ knows how she is going to deal with that.

Quite possibly SEN issues but still ongoing tryig to get to the bottom of it.

GiraffesCanRunA10k Sun 12-Jul-09 12:11:36

If she feels she isn't able to self direct and plan it herself then this could be something the teacher should help with. Some children can get on and plan it themselves, others need help and guidance on HOW to plan, organise etc. The teacher needs to differentiate here. If DD isn't able to take guidance from you then ask the teacher for help.

Carrying on this way isn't working. You have tried and now you need help for her, recognising that is half the battle. You are quite right you are NOT a teacher, nor should you have to be.

<passes wine cuppa tea>

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 12-Jul-09 12:13:41

It has all gone very quiet.

Either she has left home, done some work on her own or exploded into a million pieces.

drlove8 Sun 12-Jul-09 12:17:29

hmm , in that case i think you should have a word with the school. get them on side so to speak.... anything thsta causeing that amount of stress is counter productive , assuming there is SEN?. i thought your dd was much much younger from your earlier posts! she sounded about 5 or 6yrs .
can you get your doc to refer you to a peadiatrition ?, it might help in finding out if your dd has extra needs.smile

drlove8 Sun 12-Jul-09 12:22:36

just a thought , have you been on the SN BOARDS? , you might want to have a look there, some lovely ladies with "difficulties at schools" might be able to help you out....has HFA been mentioned? , or dyslexia? or adhd? The temper that your dd has may be a symptom of any of these?
Tbh , it sounds like your needing a break yourself. your stressed.

gigglinggoblin Sun 12-Jul-09 12:24:33

Ds has aspergersand is just like this. 2 years ago I did all you fif and ended up doing most of it really, he stuck it onto paper and got a really good mark, then was dead proud of what 'he' had done. Last year I refused to help and he did leess than one page which did not get a good mark but I xplained to him why. And yes he beleived it was my fault but it was much easier than the previous year. Leave her to it. If she has SEN then this is a great example for school to use in how she needs help.

swanriver Sun 12-Jul-09 12:30:38

YANBU
Of course you have to help with the project. People who imagine otherwise are nuts.
On the otherhand I agree that you do have to lower standards completely if she is not getting anywhere. Don't worry what anyone else thinks of YOUR input. Just let her do something really basic, even if it's just sticking on a few captions, or painting one loo roll to look like a corinthian pillar with leaves.
It doesn't matter if it looks like the work of a younger child.
Sounds like she is a perfectionist like you and wants to do her best but fears failure so gives up.
Let her see that the smallest effort is good enough for now, and then build on that.
I really feel for you because these projects always touch a raw nerve when it comes to underlying mother/child ishoos about control and frustration.

My ds1 projects (at 7 and 8) were always secondrate (in my eyes) I could have done them a thousand times better if he'd shown more interest taken more time listened to my brilliant suggestions, but then he always felt proud when it was finished and that he had done what he had. I found the less time we spent on them the better - that was our relationship. He hated craft.
My other children love it.

qwertpoiuy Sun 12-Jul-09 12:43:25

OP, what age is your daughter? TBH, I am horrified that the school is giving her work like that to do!If it's taking up that much of your time, imagine how difficult it is for your child!

We never had projects like that to do until we were at secondary school.

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