to block my long lost/recently found smackhead brother from facebook?

[pickyvic]

this is gonna be a long one so grab a stiff drink. (then send me one)

im really bricking it. ive made a huge HUGE mistake and i dont know what to do.

i come from an incredibly fucked up extremely abusive background. its amazing that im sane, with a very very boringly normal family life, in fact my life is now so far removed from my childhood that i dont even think about it..until tonight.

my long lost brother found me on facebook. he seemed desperate to get in touch. i took pity on him and i phoned him and ive made a massive mistake. im just not going down this road. the last i saw of him was 10 years ago. i took him in when he was living rough. he was a smackhead. he ripped me off and put my family in danger. ive had no contact since then. im also trying to get into the police - i am a special constable now and i really dont need this shit!
he is now married and has a baby on the way. i rang him (i havnt given out my number but i did add him on facebook so he may well have seen my other contact details) seems my hopes were to be dashed. he sounded off his head. he was spouting such shit from the word go alarm bells rang loud and clear. i only rang him cos he said it was really important, well it was - to him. im afraid not to me - ive managed all this time without him in my life and ive no idea why i did it.

he wants his baby to have a family. well tough shit. my kids havnt had any and theyve done just fine, and where was the concern for my kids all those years ago? i cannot believe this selfishness. and...second bombshell - i thought my mother and stepfather were dead. seems SF is, ha fucking ha, he was a complete and utter little hitler and he deserved it when he dropped dead, but my mother is apparently still live and kicking, and my brother has discovered a new and exciting close knit relationship with her - well woopee fucking doooo. she had emigrated but has now sadly come back to blighty.
i was the result of a fling or two - she hasnt got a fucking clue who my father is and she has been dead to me for 10 years. i thought she actually WAS dead but no - risen from the grave to fucking haunt me. apparently now she is "remembering things" that my stepfather did to me. well good. i hope it sodding haunts her, but my SF is dead and i had let all of this go - i had councelling a few years ago. i made my peace with it. i was doing ok.

if i block my "brother" he will see that ive blocked him. he had also found my son on FB and had been messaging him. ive told DS NOT to message back. im shit scared that if i block him he will come looking for me or worse still contact someone on my friends list or even try and trace me through he police....WTF have i done. im absolutely panicking. this was bad bad news and i should have followed my gut instinct and ignored...

what do i do?

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Cripes!

What a mighty can of worms, you poor poor thing.

I would block your 'brother' and get your son to block him too. Then give yourself some time to calm down, think, get use to the fact that your mother is alive.

What an absolutely massive amount of stuff to get your head around.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Yep, good idea Kerry. Trash the whole Facebook account.

[pickyvic]

i suspect ive put this in the wrong place.... have customised my stuff on FB so that brother cant see my pictures or friends list, then i decided to send him a private message explaining that because im still trying to get my head around all of this that im disappearing from FB for a while. then i blocked him. fuuuucckkking hell. im an idiot sometimes. now i should try and sleep. wtf have i done.

[pickyvic]

oh thats a good idea. i could trash the whole account. off to investigate....

[pickyvic]

seems you cant completely delete the account but you can deactivate it. ive done it. i am feeling just about as shite as shite can feel right now.
am having a coffee and trying to calm down. aw fuck.

[pickyvic]

off to bed to attempt to sleep. am contemplating waking DH up so i can witter to him. am feeling shite shite and shite, and very sad, confused, hopeless, numb and just feel out of it. i wont be back on mn early. am going for a blub and a sleep.

[Qally]

I think the thing to focus on is that you are amazing. You have come out of a childhood that would have broken most people, and have nonetheless built a good life for yourself. That's an incredible achievement, as is the fact you've broken the cycle of deprivation for your own kids. You can't possibly let chaos back in, and you have the brains and self-respect to know that.

He's deleted, and remember that the shitty feeling will fade soon, and you'll have your blessedly normal life back.

[pickyvic]

thank you. i did wake DH up, i talked to him until about 4.30 this morning. i did have a blub and then i got up this morning, gave the kids a hug and thanked my lucky stars.

this sudden apparent need to make his peace is because he is expecting a child (god help it). both he and his wife are smackheads, though he claimed he was clean, but he was clearly on something last night. it just amazes me that someone can breeze back in expecting it all to be ok. and he seemed quite determined to drag up my past, and to try and find something "wrong" with me. it was like he couldnt just take my word for it that im ok, doing fine and dandy, 2.4 kids, car, house, job, yadda yadda yadda.
i only phoned because the temptation was just too much. i had questions but then he said he wouldnt tell our mother he had spoken to me anyway - i was going to be his dirty little secret.
well finding out that she is alive and kicking changes nothing for me. i thought she was dead and to me she was and is. i look at my kids and wonder how in gods name anyone could allow their children to suffer like i suffered. shes told my brother (he is actuallt a 1/2 brother) she had "blocked it out". yeah well tough tits. i couldnt. and she stood and watched - she knew full well what a shit he was, but he left her alone so i got it. though, i think she got a taste of it when they emigrated - he had no one else to use as punch bag then it seems he became violent with her. he died young in his early 50's and it really couldnt have happened to a nicer person. my life is so normal now and i like it that way, so im going to preserve it, just like it is.
my curiosity was satisfied last night - i now know im doing the right thing. just a shame that ive had to delete my facebook account but small price to pay in the great scheme of thngs.
anyway - rant over and im ok this morning. and i know im NBU.

[mrsboogie]

You have done the right thing. And there was always the possibility (however slim) that he would have redeemed and rehabilitated himself to the extent that you could have had him back in your life. The fact that he hasn't is his problem and his alone.

You could always set up a new FB account under a nickname so he can't find you again.

[MissSunny]

Message withdrawn

[ilovesprouts]

you and your dc need to block him .you dont need fam like that

[tearinghairout]

MissSunny you're deluded - "I don't think somebody being a drug addict is a good enough reason to copmpletely disown your own brother" If he was clean, yes. But not while he's still screwed up - the OP has been there already with him.

OP you know that cutting him off is the right thing for your family. It's hard but necessary for your sanity. As Qally said (that woman is a fount of wisdom!) you have come through something awful and built a life for yourself - if there was a problem with deleting Facebook & I thought this bloke would be able to contact me I would chuck the computer out of the window.

[TeaOneSugar]

MissSunny You clearly have no experience of having a drug addict in the family and the harm it does to everyone.

I unfortunately can imagine what he's done in the past.

Keep him far far away from you and your family.

[TeaOneSugar]

OP: You don't need me to tell you, he will say and do anything it takes to get money and things he can sell from you, you've worked too hard to give anything away, it's a bottomless pit anyway.

[imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy]

Just want to add my support, i am sorry for your brother, you coped, he didn't. BUT that is not your problem, you worked hard for your lovely family that you have now and you must not allow guilt or any other emotional blackmail to jeopardise that.

[KIMItheThreadSlayer]

block him and do it now.
Do not let crazyness back in to your life, block him he wont know you have he just wont be able to see you on a search.

DH1 has blocked tons of his family.

[TracyK]

This is exactly why I will never have a facebook, twitter etc etc account.
It is unbelievable the things these sites are used for - maybe not now - but in the future - and its there for everyone to see.

[pickyvic]

thanks - just nipping on for a min cos ive got visitors - ill be back later.

miss sunny - he moved in with me for 6 months 10 years ago. in that time i had drug dealers hammering down my door, he stole, lied, cheated then did a runner leaving me his debt.

ill be back to explain later....

[pickyvic]

ok im back.

i was totally up for having some tentative contact if he had turned his life around, or even if he was trying to. please believe me when i say that im not hard or embittered. ive always been too soft if anything. not able to say no very easily.

but over the course of the conversation i realised it wasnt happening. he was all over the place. he was off his head on something, and he just seemed to honestly think that after 10 years of no contact he could just breeze back into my life and my kids life despite the trail of devastation he left me to clear up when he went. no thanks. he also seemed desperate to find something "wrong". like he couldnt just be happy for me. and it was all about him. HE wanted his child to have family. everything was about what HE wanted. he didnt ask what I wanted. what about MY children? all my kids have ever had is me and my DH. no body ever bothered about that.and he was just constantly making excuses for my mothers vile behaviour. and she really is vile. i know that eventually he would want me to reconcile with her but again it would have to be totally on her terms, because she is so volatile and caustic and i really dont want it. and he was saying he didnt dare tell her that he had talked to me - WTF?? despite him claiming to have a good relationship with her now?? and why? when im the bloody normal one! why should i be someones dirty secret?.

well i can live without letting this madness back in to my life. im happy now. it took me 30 years to realise that the woman that gave birth to me couldnt give a fuck about me as long as she was happy. she allowed the most vile excuse for a human being abuse me daily from the age of 7. im not talking a little tap, he beat the shit out of me. i was in and out of hospital. he made me wash him in the bath. he treated me like something he had stepped in. i was the lowest of the low. he played mind games, he threw me scraps to eat like i was a dog. he treated me like scum, he clicked his fingers and signed what he wanted as if i was too good to waste words on. he called me vile names that i was too little to understand the meaning of. i was a child and i should have been protected from him. i was on the at risk register. but they always pulled the wool over everyones eyes and got away with it. she watched him abuse me and she used him to threaten me with to get whatever she wanted from me. she knew i was frightened of him.last night my brother raked all of this up, he asked me if i remembered when my SF broke my fingers etc etc. thats not the type of reminiscing i want to do these days, im past it. over it. its like it happened to someone else because im not that person anymore, im living a good life, not allowing that period of my life to have bearing on what i have today. i have worked hard, i found a man who was gentle and kind, and ive been married a long time. ive got two lovely kids who i adore, im not a bad person, im just not as easily taken for a ride, im more balanced than i used to be i think, not so desperate for approval.

now why should i allow that back into my life? it was easier when i thought my mother was dead. i was given duff info by a distant family member, maybe they thought they were doing me a favour. my (1/2) brother isnt a good person. he is a selfish drug abuser with a selfish drug abusing mother. i dont want or need to get involved in their lives, sob stories or anything else ever again, so im choosing not to and at least now i know for sure im doing the right thing.

so thats that, please dont tell me to try and reconcile. it would not be a good thing for me or my family.
thank you to you all for your thoughts on this most of you appear to agree with my initial reaction anyway.
miss sunny - im not hard hearted, im really not, but i cant afford the risk on so many levels.
i dont want to hear about my mother. i dont want to hear about my SF and already ive found out where he is buried etc and its not something i wanted to know. its just raked up a past id rather forget.
x

[mrsboogie]

Fuck me - why would anyone tell you to reconcile with THAT?? He is still stuck right there in the middle of it all by the sound of him and that's just too bad but you can't help him.

He would have to help himself like you did - and Jesus you must be one in a million to be able to live a normal life and move on from all that. The family you have now is all that matters. Leave these people where they belong - in the past.

And you totally are too soft - or else you wouldn't have rung him. Please, please just treat this episode like the bad dream it is and don't waste another second of your time thinking about it or them.

[Rachmumoftwo]

I couldn't read this thread and leave without a comment. Pickyvic, you are an amazing, strong woman with all the family you need around you. You are obviously a fighter and have built yourself a wonderful life out of the ashes of your childhood (if you can call it that).

You don't need any shit in your life and your every instinct is telling you to not let them near you and your family- trust your instincts, you are a tigress protecting your young. You are inspirational and fabulous and you don't need any of them!

[jetcat32]

pickyvic - you could be writing my story (unfortunately)

I also come from a nightmare family, was in care from being a young baby, and only had very very sporadic contact with any of my birth family (never even met my dad).

Suffice to say, when i signed up to FB, i was well aware of the dangers of people coming out of the woodwork, so although i have actually changed my name in RL, i also didnt put my full name one, just in case. Anyway, it didnt work as i am in touch with one sister, who is in touch with smackhead brother and desparado sister. They then got in touch with me through her. I replied, stating that as i hadnt seen them for over 25 years, i wouldnt be adding them as friends. I then got a torrade of abuse from both of them - confirming i had done the right thing. The only good thing to come out of FB is that another brother (who i had a better relationship with) got in touch, though he seems to have disappeared now as well

I can understand about people saying, we should give them another chance, they are family etc. But, i think that sometimes, its just too dangerous. My sister and brother for example, are like strangers to me - we were all in care, though separate placements. I have my own little family now, and have experienced too much heartache and abuse within the confines of a supposed loving family that there is no way i am going to put my daughters in any kind of position like that!

My eldest is on FB, but she knows she is not allowed to add any adults, not even me, as that way i know she is limited in the info she can see.

I really hope you get the peace you deserve x

[WetAugust]

OMG Vic. What a shock to find that your mother is still alive. WTF was that relative thinking about telling you she had died?? Beggars belief.

You should have absolutely no quams at all about cutting them totally out of your life. You can't chose your family but it doesn't mean you are stuck with them.

You've got enough on your plate at the mo with DS etc.

Just be thankful that despite the crap that you faced when you were a child you are now a totally level-headed, hard-working, generous and compassionate mother of 2 great kids and have a wonderful family of your own.

You'll know just how unusual the following is (for me), but meant very sincerely

[pickyvic]

thank you all, really, your all very kind.

Wetaugust - im still reeling actually to find my mother still live and kicking - it was a cousin who i think may have meant well or who could have just got the story wrong, but we never really have much contact so im wondering if she still thinks that my mother is dead...whatever, she is to me.
SF it seems dragged mother to a very remote place abroad, and that was his downfall as when he died no medic could get there in time, but i now know where his ashes are which is already more than i needed - and when my brother started to tell me about my mothers "ordeal" at his hands i began to feel just the tiniest bit sorry for her - and i cannot afford to.

thanks again all, for the support. and WA thanks for the hug - much appreciated tonight. i feel so so strange about it all, but secure in the knowledge that im doing the right thing.
thankyou. x